Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

STAR(laughs.) It's got nothing to do with spirits.

GUTHRIE(stunned.) Shit - sorry you were joking, right? I'm just checking - it's just your soooo serious. (STAR smiles, shaking her head.) I mean, I don't want you to say balls to arse-licking your new lecturer and get ratted with me? But seriously, what else have we got to do now? Come on sink a few, it's nothing. It's good to see you round here. STAR is about to answer, but GUTHRIE'S already speaking again.) We'll start on tequila as respect to revolutions and Tila Tequila! (Sounding like Speedy Gonzales.) TEEEQUILA! UNDERLAY UNDERLAY ARRIVAARRIVA! TEEEQUILA! REMEMBER THE SONG? (STAR shakes her head, looking ill, huffing still tring to look around the bar for DOCTOR SUKIM.) No? Okay fine, I'll shut up and drink now! (A bottle is handed to GUTHRIE by a mystery gloved hand, and a bong with a dildo in and GUTHRIE fills up dirty plastic pint glasses with tequila, hands one to STAR who looks shocked, but tries to steal the bong with a dildo in.) First that, then on to the malt whisky and I'll have a few Pernod and blacks - for the good old days! Before I came here for more good times, that is! Then we'll work our way on to all the sherry and port. I can't tell the difference between them anyway, but it's civilised drinking apparently. But it's possible to drink this bar dry, you know?

STAR(looking spaced with a mouthful of saliva, as if she is wearing a dental retainer.) Dry? Am I slurrrrrring meeeemmywwwwworrrrrdssss?Am-I-I-am?...AMI?I- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!...Aren't I?

GUTHRIE You're as bad as the others!

STAR (scared, spitting some saliva into the glass, mumbling.) D'yer k-k-k-now there's a w-w-w-weird man under OOOOUR table? Is he trying to film up my skirt?(Giggles.) I let a friend do that once and they put the pics online. I was SO embarrassed.

GUTHRIE Why?

STAR Is he a perve? Did he spike my drink?

GUTHRIE(looking around, baffled.) Who did?

STAR I'M SEEING THINGS? (Looking tearful, quietly.) Aren't I?

GUTHRIE Why are you whispering?

Hear the band starting to sound-check again, over Marilyn Manson's cover of 'Tainted Love'.

STAR Oh my God! It's liquid X, isn't it?

GUTHRIE No, I'm fine, but I don't know what Sadler's doing though - he likes it all.

STAR Who?

GUTHRIE You must've seen my mate? He's in the bog now. We're going to get the bus, but thought better of it. It's warmer in here than at the bus stop!

STAR Oh right. YES! I need to -

STAR exits, looking ill, stumbling away to the toilet. TEDDY enters, yawning and struggles to sit at the table; GUTHRIE turns around and jumps when he sees TEDDY next him.

GUTHRIE Shit - where you come from?

TEDDY I'm Teddy, sorry, you're-

GUTHRIE G-

TEDDY It's Gareth, isn't it? I remember now. How have you been? (GUTHRIE looks baffled staring at TEDDY.) Have the bands started?

GUTHRIE I don't think the drummer's turned up - you know how it goes? They're only jamming I think.

TEDDY So - the bands've started?

GUTHRIE It's all disco-fever now, safe cheese, all the fondue-shit.

TEDDY Oh right.

GUTHRIE Billie Jean, Bette Davis Eyes.

TEDDY I don't know them people yet - they new here then?

GUTHRIE Mate, I'm going to go to a lecture I think. I'm can't be arsed to use the public tranny now - come on mate, I know someone in halls - we'll find a floor in a corridor and camp down for the rest of the night. I'm determined to make at least part of one lecture, as I've just now realised I don't know what some of my courses are yet. I've already had a lecturer tell me where to go for the rest of semester - they can be rude little geeks when they want to be! I'm hoping a couple more might tell me to do the same - it'll really free up my time. But I'll pick up the credits sometime next year - if I can squeeze an extra year out of it; maybe defer - or intermit as they now say - another year, then I'm thinking of studying up North. Sorry, am I boring you?

TEDDY Sorry - what did you say?

GUTHRIE Don't worry about it. Let's go!

GUTHRIE and TEDDY exit the bar slowly as if going through bodies, avoiding to bump into people, but they're both out of it.

THREE:CORRIDOR
GUTHRIE is curled up in a harsh looking corridor, sleeping. We hear heavy vomiting and shit-farting mixed with sex sounds from above. SADLER is in his boxer shorts, prodding GUTHRIE with a dildo, trying to get him to wake up. GUTHRIE stirs, then screams when he sees the dildo. SADLER laughs.

GUTHRIE Fuck - where are we?

SADLER I look like Yoda don't I?(Giggling, pointing upwards with the dildo.) I can guess what they're doing up there, though. Don't worry - I've already got the footage!

GUTHRIE What?

SADLER Funny stuff - you's one funny guy! Mate - your random mate - he's gone; vanished. He's been in the bog for hours and hours, I busted the door, but it was open. You can see for yourself mate; he's sitting on the bog shitting for the world and chucking up in the sink, it's mad - I've never seen anything like it! It reeks, it's really bad up close, but you need to see it to believe it!

GUTHRIE(looking around, trying to figure where he is.) I don't know who it is - as long as they don't call Rodge.

SADLER Security don't care - Rodge's upstairs filming a porno, I think.

GUTHRIE I knew it!

SALDER But it's messy everywhere now.

GUTHRIE(rubbing his brow.) I'm worried. (Points to the dildo.) Why have you got that?

STAR enters wearing just SADLER'S tattered jumper, snatching the dildo off SADLER, blanking GUTHRIE.

STAR I need THAT back, BITCH!

STAR exits. GUTHRIE laughs, as SADLER shrugs.

SADLER Twenty-first century virgins, man - what can you say? You can't properly fuck 'em and fill 'em in 'em - but everything else is fine! (GUTHRIE looks baffled.) You want to film that random shit-puking?

SADLER helps GUTHRIE up off the floor, as GUTHRIE'S in hysterics, as they stagger off. We then hear someone playing the bongos really loud and chanting from another part of the building.

PART TWO: S.U. WASTER: A BRIEF LIVING HISTORY [2nd Vol.]

ONE: HALLS
Early hours of the morning. SADLER is face down on the floor, covered in pitta bread, looking ill. WILF is vomiting into a bin. DIRKSON is trying to dance with STAR but she's staring at her smoke, dancing to Frank Zappa's 'Disco Boy'.

SADLER(coming round; to WILF.) I think security'll be round soon - I think most of the bar has come round.

DIRKSON tries to pogo but slips on some pitta bread. WILF, SADLER miss it, but STAR is creasing up; they all think she's stoned.

DIRKSON(tries to get the attacking pitta bread off his butt.) Who's puked pitta bread? A whole pitta - I need another drink! - where's your fridge gone again?

WILF It's in the kitchen - where else?

SADLER(yawning going, eyes rolling.) You okay, Star?

STAR Yeah, just cool, like...erm...(Smiles.) I dunno.

SADLER Cool - here's a sharp one; it'll keep you warm.

STAR takes it, downing it.

STAR Cheers. (Turning up Frank Zappa; we see SADLER cutting lines quickly and messily and snorting them off a massive chunky textbook - whereas WILF who has puked down himself, but he's still drinking and starts to head-bang, downing a pint of absinthe swaying, staggering all over the place.) Whoa, careful! (Looking really stoned.) Yeah, it's cool, just take care, I mean, I just wanna be so nice.

SADLER(wakes up.) Man - where-

WILF Okay mate? (Laughing at SADLER. Offering him a smoke, a weird looking cigarillo.) Looking rough, mate - you puke all that pitta?

SADLER Yep...shit, I need a brandy.

WILF I’ve always got bottle, mate.

DIRKSON (approaching STAR again, persistently trying to get her to dig him.) Yes, Star! Oh woo! Oh yar, Star, I was going to talk about your research brief, for the Communities course. I think it's close to Doctorate quality, of course.(Hypnotised by her breasts, talking to them.) I don't say that to every student - only to the one's with -

STAR Oh, whatever.

DIRKSON Yeah, I know it's getting late - oh yes! This is a really neat tune...I remember The Electric Prunes, too. The Yank-stuff always pulls it for me; all the time...You like Phish?

STAR Huh?

DIRKSON So your politics - you must have some?

STAR I hate it, I'm no...(Yawns, then burps. Grabs a bottle of vodka, pours herself some into a chipped mug off the floor.) Erm…all kinda uh-huh, really.

DIRKSON Umm. Right. Babe-bebo - y'know I’ve scored a fundamental research grant? Worth a fair bit; book deal too, curriculum status has been guaranteed. I’ve made it. I’ve strived to be the footnote for so long. I’ll be a Prof in a few years, I reckon. (Trying to sleaze up to STAR, but she’s pretty zoned, as he attempts to feel her up, she feels up SADLER and ignores DIRKSON.) Maybe we should discuss it in a bedroom, get comfy - it's a bit loud here.

STAR Huh?

DIRKSON I think security may come round - let's blow.

STAR HUH?

SADLER(to DIRKSON, who looks baffled.) Serious? I reckon we can chill.(To STAR.) Can I have some of that vodka?

STAR(handing the bottle to SADLER.) Here.

SADLER Cheers.(Looking in STAR'S eyes, the possible look of love.) Shit...your eyes look messed.

STAR(giggles, gushes.) Alright - I keep saying whatever, don't I? Whatever, right!?

DIRKSON Pour me one, too, Mate-bruvvo. Sadler, isn't it?(SADLER ignores DIRKSON.) Yes? Hello, mate.

SADLER(refills his cup and hands a practically empty bottle to DIRKSON.) Yeah, I think thingy and the others are chilling upstairs soon, but we've got the corridors. I think Wilf's puked in the bath so let him have it.

DIRKSON(STAR ignores him still giggling, DIRKSON looks at SADLER who is licking his lips as if he’s never had a some water before.) Umm, yes. I might call a cab actually, I dunno. Anyone want to go half?(Laughs, mainly to himself.) Does anyone want to get out of this shit hole?

But SADLER is swaying, hugging STAR. DIRKSON exits, looking gutted, while STAR tries to sway- dance, WILF has now passed out. SADLER, slowly, sits on the floor, with STAR; they're slowly falling asleep against each other. Hear My Pet Junkie’s ‘Baked Bean Skins’ which sounds as if it’s getting played live next door at another party.

TWO:TOILET
TEDDY is sitting on the toilet, moaning, and vomits into his backpack. He strains, then retches.

TEDDY(drooling bile; in agony.) Please - no more, please! I won't have fun again! Nev-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!

TEDDY buries his head into the backpack, violently retching - almost simultaneously - we hear some chunky piece of excrement plop into the toilet. TEDDY groans, as if close to an orgasm.