Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

dragon impression. WILF sees TEDDY, smiling.

WILF(to TEDDY.) How about a drink first?

SUKIM(smiling at WILF.) Mmmmmmm...ooh yar!

WILF We'll get some pints in first - before the extra-curricular fun begins, eh?

SUKIM(clawing WILF'S back.) Hmmmmmmyaaar?

WILF What happened to the cheese and wine?

SUKIM shrugs, suddenly doing the yoga 'Lion'- position to WILF. WILF swigs his cider and chomps on his pasty, still confused.

TEDDY Good question - isn't this the new course?

WILF Sure - don't worry, it's all on the thingy. We'll catch-up, it's fine! I remember when I was in Peru, I...actually, I reckon we can tab some wine at the bar! Damn - why didn't think of it! It's got to be done! You coming Doctor S?

SUKIM(excited like a schoolgirl.) Ooh yar! YAAARRRRRRRR!

WILF I’m sure you will! Get them in then please Doc; my temporary embarrassment of funds is down to my lack of credit, so maybe you can get them in?(SUKIM smiles, nodding like a Geisha, bowing to WILF.) Cheers, love - I'm sure I'll pay you back in more ways than one.(SUKIM smiles, packing up her things and eagerly running out to get to the bar, dropping some of the awful print-outs.) Later, babe-cakes. (To TEDDY, who has picked up an awful print-out, looking baffled by it.) Whoo-wee - she's a good, firm, piece of ass! I wonder what she's into! I bet it's nothing that shocking - you know how repressed these academic geeks are! Probably just wants a good hug.(TEDDY smiles, but looks embarrassed.) But I had a Chinky-woman once, when I was travelling in Mexico.She tied me up and robbed me afterwards - I was going to pay her! But I didn't know there was heroin in Mexico, too. But she was amazing; she taught me a lot.(TEDDY tries to hide his erection, but he's struggling.) She gave me crabs, too, but it was worth it. I still think back and remember the smell of her juicy, tender, little Aztec pussy. It was like a good bit of Salmon.(TEDDY gulps,as a wet-patch of pre-cum appears on his trousers, as TEDDY tries to hide the fact he's getting turned on. WILF suddenly comes out of his reverie.) Lovely, absolutely lovely - sorry I'm boring you, aren't I? I should be going to drinketh thee night away.

WILF takes ages to put his scarf on, after altering his Jedi Knight costume. TEDDY, wipes sweat from his brow, then looks lost again and goes to exit one way, then turns back to go another way. TEDDY stops and stares at WILF and slowly builds up his courage after staring at WILF putting on his scarf. TEDDY approaches him.

TEDDY(meekly.)Can I come along? Mate?

WILF Yes, of course...umm, sorry - I've forgot your name again!

TEDDY Teddy.

WILF Yes, right, er-

TEDDY(smiled, looking relieved.) Cool - neat!

WILF What is?

TEDDY I‘ll get some drinks in, too.(Taking out a Velcro-wallet, produces a crisp, new £5 pound note, making sure it's real.) Oh, Waldo, I heard you were deejaying at the bar? (WILF nods, smiling.) I like Marilyn Manson.

WILF(shocked.) Fuck off! Really?

TEDDY(looking as if he's about to cry.) I've seen him live - he's very loud.

WILF(joking.) No shit!

TEDDY Yep.

WILF Right...(Looking weirdly at TEDDY.) I'm sure we've had exactly the same conversation haven't we? (TEDDY looks pale, smiling, searching for something to say.) Come on then - we've got to get to the freebies quick!

TEDDY(looking confused, picking up one of the awful discarded print-outs.) But I've just got to finish my -

WILF drags TEDDY along with him - as TEDDY drops his backpack, and the awful print-out on the floor.

PART THREE: EVO-WASTE-AGE[abridged]

ONE: LECTURE ROOM
A sparse room with a laptop. PROFESSOR PERCIVAL is trying to work the laptop, but can't seem to figure it out, sniffing it and trying the Vulcan mind-meld-thing. GUTHRIE enters, looking pale.

PERCIVAL(shocked.) Amazing! You've made it!

GUTHRIE I know.

PERCIVAL Well, I do enjoy our chats.

GUTHRIE Good weekend for Fulham then?

PERCIVAL Don't get me started!

GUTHRIE I know, it's cool. Oh yes, I didn't do the reading by the way, but I'll sort some coursework for you. Sometime.

PERCIVAL Brilliant, brilliant! Anything'll do!

GUTHRIE I know.

PERCIVAL Where's Sadler?

GUTHRIE He's having a lie-in. He knows you always mark him in. I scan his card for him, too. But you know what he's like if he misses Neighbours.

PERCIVAL Oh right. Fine. Well, erm, yes, it's quite straight forward I've stuck it all online - so maybe mention it to the others!(GUTHRIE nods, making the thumbs-up sign to PERCIVAL.) I'm trying to figure why my machine isn't responding.

GUTHRIE For a presentation?

PERCIVAL Oh no - not for a lecture! It's for a board meeting at our main campus - you know Penrose Way? (GUTHRIE shrugs, looking baffled.) It can get quite technical.

GUTHRIE Sounds it.

PERCIVAL Umm, yes.

GUTHRIE Fulham done brilliantly getting that what's-is-name to -

PERCIVAL Yes, I suppose it's good for the cause. I was also impressed by the pass and move play in the cup.

GUTHRIE Well, I thought football was all about pass and move!

PERCIVAL You should watch K.G.B Chelski when they're up against it.

GUTHRIE They're not that boring!

PERCIVAL I know - just a wee dig - as they say: 'Death wears a big hat!'

GUTHRIE Er, right...What?

PERCIVAL Sadler's knowledge of Schelling impressed me greatly - you yourself have some ability too, if you want to join the elite of grade grubbers here. I must be off - the new lecturer is here next, so I better go. I've a conference in Bloomsbury anyway, after the board meeting, then after nachos with the wife, I'll then go and see my mother - she's into conceptualism now, but I don't know if it's the Alzheimer’s kicking in! Hopefully, I can squeeze it all in before midnight as I'll be marking yet more papers tomorrow! Another deadline, eh!?

GUTHRIE Great - rather you than me!

PERCIVAL That's what they all say today! And lecturer's today struggle to get to the elusive forty grand mark. It really is disgusting.

GUTHRIE Sounds okay? You don't get that on benefits?

PERCIVAL(shrugs, suddenly looking irate.) But research costs have risen and -

GUTHRIE I suppose no-one cares no more.

PERCIVAL(smiling.) I would blame the politicians but that really does sound like a gimmick.

GUTHRIE That's a good one that!

PERCIVAL Yes, I thought so too. I'll crack it again at the conference I think. Must dash - I've booked a cab to get off this damned campus - the buses here seem to hate people and there's no-where to park your car! Crazy, eh? You take care - and please check your study-log in the next month or so!

GUTHRIE nods, smiling as PERCIVAL picks up the laptop and runs off quickly, checking his mobile phone. GUTHRIE goes to leave but TAV enters, trying to look really tough, posing with an unlit cigarette and tooth-pick in his mouth. He takes out a compact mirror and checks his appearance, body-popping and posing some more.

TAV Oh right! I am looking double-dipalicious! I look so good.

GUTHRIE Oh hi, mate.

TAV Oh you's again. I and me homes been scoped, slipping and tripping. Tough love vibe - erm, blood.

GUTHRIE(holding his nose, looking for blood again on his fingers.) Am I bleeding again? It has to be the Pot Noodle or that dodgy marching-powder Sadler got off -

TAV Man, I've been here for a bit - I got to take some long skills class - what it all about Gee?

GUTHRIE It's because you're failing, thick-shit!

TAV No - I'm really trying - it's really tough here. The geek stuff ain't for me. I wish we had bigger marks for turning up.

GUTHRIE That makes sense - but it'll never happen.

TAV That's the future, mate. And lecturers will be big robots - like Arnie mixed with Homer Simpson.

GUTHRIE Arnie was a Cyborg - not a robot!

TAV Same thing, man, same thing!

GUTHRIE I suppose you'd know?

TAV I'm such a gee-lad though - check it bro-blood-brethren. Me and my crew - me real time brethren - the Green Streeterz, yep with a zee at the end, iiiight! Yo, yeah - check our site, yeah? Like I's chatting like, totally mentalist, erm, yeah, like - we's ripping it up dark-sick-cowboy-gangsta-style; listening to some sicko-dark-shit-tunes, blasting real wild mental tunage vision vibes; all of it, maaan.Yeah? Oh yeah...We get to go to some party, a house-warming-ting - it turns into a orgy! Serious blooder - I screwed two birds, and it was messy, you know? It was - you know?

GUTHRIE No - I wasn't there was I?

TAV I'm sure I saw you there!

GUTHRIE No...I don't know -

TAV Well, these two birds dressed like porn stars - they even kept their heels on when they got into bed! How wild style can you get? I'm kicking myself I didn't film it. Or did I?

GUTHRIE I don't know - it sounds like something I'd avoid.

TAV It was darkside sicko-wickee-wildstyle FOR REAL! I deejayed, spat my new lyrics - I would bust me rhymes now, but I can't risk you ripping them.

GUTHRIE Don't worry - I'll catch it on your page.

TAV Need no techno-pages fool! We're too underground.

GUTHRIE You busk on the underground?

TAV I wouldn't turn it down, but I don't like crowds, they get me stressing and flexing; I'm more of a studio person - though I ain't ever laid a beat before. It's my trigger-finger it needs itching. (Making a gun sound; GUTHRIE shakes his head, laughing at TAV.) I busted it playing G.T.A.

GUTHRIE You're kidding me?

TAV Fucking well tough iightin-nit.

GUTHRIE Of course - tough hood stuff that squares will never know!

TAV And my beard trimmer broke, and my moisturiser's playing me up - so I'm a bit of a mess this morning. I still look good though. If I was a ho I'd want me, erriight? See, I can still be buff.

GUTHRIE You said it! I heard you dig the lady-look! All that make-up! I thought you'd hate Buffy though.

TAV(checking himself in his compact.) You up for going to the bar? I'll pick up some more babes - as you know being a player's tough.

GUTHRIE Who is this crew of yours?

TAV See there's my outside-of-geeky-uni mates - me ol' skool crew, then zee bitches; they don't mix with you losers as they're losers too - get me?

GUTHRIE Yes, erm...no I -

TAV But we can still get some drinks in - can't we?

GUTHRIE I can't see why not! I suppose chatting bullshit is public property these days!

TAV Right on blooduh! (GUTHRIE offers TAV a dried tissue that he waves away, GUTHRIE puts it back into his pocket.) That Sadler mate of yours owes me a few pints, too.