Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

DIRKSON Right, yeah, right. (Secretly worried.) Fuck - what exam?

STAR Oh, Guthrie’s chatting on about some academic conference piss-up; I’m only going if there’s some free BOOZE! Fuck any academic book-shit; I don’t care what some academic book plug has to say. Though, it might be interesting…I haven't made my mind up yet folks! I’ll need to be really wasted - to make it go quick - but you never know until you go! I wonder where Doctor Sukim is?

DIRKSON Star - you’ve got more lust for butt-kissing than me! Getting fucked and actually turning up for the lecture events - wow! you want a Double-Oner? (To WILF, who's looking ill, staring into nothingness.) I think Palace play mid-week don’t they?

STAR I have no idea - DUDE! I hate soccer, don't I?

DIRKSON Oh right, shit. Now I suppose I'm not in-in there, right? Bad move. Forget hearing that bit!

STAR You know, you're talking your thoughts to me - out loud, like?

DIRKSON AND? Everyone talks to themselves!

STAR Yep, sometimes - just not in public, Buck! And what was that you were going on about libraries being in Boots?

DIRKSON It's-.

STAR Crazy, I know. Fuck off, sir - I know you're perving on me.

DIRKSON I'll fuck you for a high Two-One? Right?

WILF Nope -

DIRKSON(annoyed by WILF.) Not you, posh-boy! (STAR laughs; DIRKSON is sounding really fucked now and WILF seems to be strangely more sober.) You dirty buck! Percy might be there too - is he doing lectures?

STAR Do I look like a message-board? I don't know he was saying about going for a safe fast-food feast with his PhD studs. I think they're all on acid. They're crazy. I don't know, they all go for pizza.

DIRKSON We’ll bring our pizzas - we’ll take a cakey dessert, too.(Trying to see at what STAR'S wearing under her coat) Star - I won't call it a date - but will you accompany me?

WILF Yes, well I better go and type up me diss; it’s got to be in tomorrow and I need to prepare for my exam in a couple of hours, I think. I lost my exam schedule, I’m doing them off tha cuff; freestyle.

DIRKSON(amazed.) How you blag it then?

WILF By hoping I’ve read everything then reworking it in my exam questions and mentally excreting it; it’s pretty simple, really - I’ve been doing it all my life. I’ll be buggered if I actually have to try - might as well get a real job then, something useful; but all I’m good at is taking exams.

DIRKSON Shit, you’ll be done in. Aren't you fucked, you jammy bastard?

WILF Fuck it, eh? I suppose life’s too short to worry about it. I'll be safe whatever the cost. It's who you know and where - that's the key. Star feel free to come round to mine, and fuck me whenever you want.

STAR smiles, as WILF laughs. DIRKSON looks shocked, as it is what he wanted to really ask STAR,but didn't have the bottle to ask.

STAR Oh, right. Thanks, but I'm a re-born Cana-Atheist-Pagan-Christian-Spiritualist. I do not believe in that.

WILF Oh, right - well that's great; worth a try. I'm sure we'll think of something later. You take care, erm...Sorry - what's is your name again?

DIRKSON ignores WILF and tries to force his way to join some other people at another part of the lecture room. WILF makes the wanker sign behind DIRKSON'S back, as STAR laughs out loud.

THREE:BAR
SADLER and STAR are passed out. STAR has puked everywhere when they've both passed out on top of each other. SADLER has stodgy ketchup around his mouth; STAR has powder around her nose, and swigs from a bottle of Port, passing some to SADLER.

STAR Well, we’ve woke up in this place together before….I guess…(Spits out her joint hanging from her mouth; SADLER swigs some Port, smeared ketchup around his mouth.) Shit…What we do last night?

SADLER Got anything left from -

STAR(wipes SADLER’S mouth, with a dirty tissue.) No way, have I? You got some messy goo stuff.

SADLER Don’t worry, it’s fuck all these days.

STAR I lost my certificate thingy…is it the real one or will they send a fresh one in the post?

SADLER(shrugging.) Don’t worry it’s fuck all these days, too. When I went for a job stacking tampons they didn’t even to bother to look if I had any cee-vee.

STAR I’ll leave all that to my dad's people back home.

SADLER Oh, right.

STAR That reminds me I should phone my dad for another loan, I’m all maxed out - I didn’t realise how costly pounds can still be; everything’s so expensive here, and the quality of things isn't great here - it's a weird bargain.

SADLER Yep, well, you kinda get used to it. If you’re always gonna be a loser then -

STAR You should try and go for a real job. Maybe in politics.

SADLER WHAT?

STAR Well, it’s something creative.

SADLER(the worse Joe Dolce impression ever.) Shaddappa ya face.

STAR But they all think your smart.

SADLER(almost serious, almost sober.) You’re smart - why you wasting your time here?

STAR I haven’t ever lived OK? I hated it being all locked up and protected. Obliviously, as you'll know, I didn’t plan to spend all this money; I’m sure my family will pay for everything, though.

SADLER That's lucky, I'm looking forward to the chilled existence on various benefits.

STAR You'll come and visit me?

SADLER Really...shit, that sounds serious.

STAR It is, dick-wad!

SADLER Shit - I can't tell no more!...Did the band come on in the end?

STAR laughs, as she hugs SADLER, who looks surprised.

EPILOGUE [OR PROLOGUE]: P.S.ANOTHER POINTLESS BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

ONE:TOILET
GUTHRIE is dressed as Mandrake the Magician; he's post-interview, tearing up his letter and another application form, slipping on the pissy, vomit-smeared, floor. He looks at himself in the smeared-up, broken, mirror. Trying to smarten himself up, brushing smears of white powder and ash off him, adjusting his cape and top hat.

GUTHRIE(looking annoyed; looks like he‘s going to kill himself.) Not worth studying for it - bloody great advice! (Mimics a stereotypical Oxbridge accent.) Oh yes, I hope you've got some rich folks - brilliant advice, just classic! New Britain, same mess...Why do I want another call centre job? I just quit a call centre a few years back thinking I’d get something more, erm, something - anything!…Hopefully, in what I’d like to do - I should've stayed at the call centre! Though that might've been gone too now! Damn it!….I’m better off without this…I really miss being on a pointless course. I was someone there…(Takes out a battered mobile phone, putting a filthy resin covered smoke in his mouth, and opens a half-bottle of Napoleon brandy, guzzling it as the he fiddles with his mobile phone; waiting for someone to pick up, this takes a bit of time, as the University administration like to answer the phones when it suits them. He keys in automated requests, guzzling more brandy. Suddenly, a person picks up; GUTHRIE suddenly transforms - very fake - into a very cheerful mood, complete with a cheesy TV Presenter style-grin.) Hello! Yes! Hi! I need a wee bit of advice, please!...Well, I’ve just graduated, right; but it’s a pile of doo-dah out here in the real world - isn't it?!... Sorry, I thought you'd know!...'Kay, so, I'm only wondering if you've got any places on any Masters courses left?

While GUTHRIE waits for an answer, he starts getting more and more drinks handed to him, some are even thrown over him as GUTHRIE’S trying to listen but he can’t hear the reply as the worse DJ set ever blares out, as the CD starts to jump really bad, then cuts out, the power goes, then comes back on slowly, a flickering light. The set continues, gripped firmly by campy cheese tunes - with a horrendous, but crowd- pleasing remix of Kylie Minogue's 'Locomotion'. Oddly, The Chemical Brothers 'Hey Boy, Hey Girl' is filtering through, but is getting hacked, as we hear Smashing Pumpkins 'Bodies' dominate the horrendous remix; but feel free to dance and have it right off [/out], etc, as GUTHRIE starts to dance away with the rest of the cast and anyone else who wants to join in.

TWO:BAR
Enjoy the wank that is student culture and embrace it fully in a mutual love for it's superficial existential wank, as people [cast and audience] can join in and dance to the aforementioned set.

ZWISHZAPZINGZONG by O'Sullivan and Peterson

Entities electrified:

DOLDO/TODDY - both annoying fascists.
HAGEN/BOB/MALDEN - fantasisies of one of these entities, but who?
RELTON/MOTH/TEMPLE - the schizoid leader of the spacecraft.
REFTO/COLLEY - the epitomy of annoyance; both bored by boredom.
TERW/'DR.TOSKEN'/KASCANO - another annoying entity, but uses the programme more than the others.
VALANCE/TABBY - a lost soul who wants fun.
GUINOW/MILLS - another lost soul who wants order and constantly seeks a companion.
'MAWTER' puppet, WAITER puppet, 'BOVVY'-puppet. Voice of 'MARGE'.Advert VOICEOVER

Set: apparently on a spacecraft, but everyone seems to be trapped between a virtual-stasis programme which merges their past/future lives with their fantasies.

A PHASE: Runtime Error.

Secret Scene Inside...
On a space craft, cargo bay. Doldo enters, addressing everyone.

Doldo:(glaring at the audience, drooling.) You fuckers, you better shape up and get started! You know you lazy researchers better come up with something and eat your fucking food. We know that you know it’s shit, but you will be shot to shit if you keep resisting. (Everyone pelts Doldo with paper cups, charred foil and other junk; he cringes but loves it.) Don’t fuck with me or the section committee: if it wasn’t for us you’d still be on Earth!

They pelt him again. Doldo exits, crawling. Hagen enters looking confused. Refto and Terw enter, linked by tubes that keep falling out, but there’s loads of tubes connecting them.

Hagen: Hello people. How’s the life?

Refto: Fuck you, rich bitch. We followed your father's instructions and joined him on this crappy crusade. I’m going to get off at the next colony.

Terw: Don’t go there, man. It’s Colony Forty-Six. It’s full of mutants. Somethin’ real shitty. Not like Watchmen or X-Men.

Refto: Like I give a shit - and I don’t care about nothing okay! I just want to get out of this mess. I’m going mad in space. It’s like an old, bad, movie. It’s just that I wish their was an alien here to kill me.

Terw: Hey, Refto; I think Doldo will kill you for nothing.

Refto: You know what I want to know, Terw: I want to know why we left earth when we could have saved it!

Hagen: Look, the Earth only had seven point five billion years left - roughly. It wouldn’t have lasted much longer the way we were going. We are lucky to be part of my fathers sect; he can’t do it without your money.

Terw: Look, let's just get off this shit ship.

Hagen: Guys, guys, guys! You have to stay. It’s a whoa-man magicky sorty crystal-uppy ship -how many ways can you spend your time?