Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

clits, dickshafts, where ever. I love it all. I’d laugh to go up someone’s widdler. Or a big fat nuno.

Coley: that’s a new word - what’s a nuno?

Moth: I think I can guess.

Mills: (to Colley; in his face.) Cunt.

Colley: So I’ve been told. I like cunt.

Mills: You’re fucking so cheeky!

Moth: Did you order?

Tabby: I’m bored.

Moth: I know you’re falling asleep on me.

Tabby: Take me home.

Moth: I’m not going home.

Kascano: You okay baby?

Moth: Mills, you were going to ask me something - before you asked my name?

Mills: When?

Moth: A minute ago?

Mills: Oh, I can’t remember now, man. Feels like ages ago. Er.. I think it was about drugs. Do you know any good vendors?

Moth: Well, I know Toddy’s good. He gets stuff regularly.

Colley: I can get better stuff than Toddy.

Mills: I’m starting to like you now - tell me?

Colley: It’s from Malden.

Moth: No way! Malden’s a source! I love this world.

Colley: Malden’s cool. You should dig Mal.

Kascano: it’s been around the block.

Colley: Yeah, a lot of people have.

Tabby: I’m Tabby from the block!

Moth: I thought you were bored?

Tabby: Nope - you talkin’ about drugs now, yeah? YEAH!

Colley: Yeah - Tabs loves her drugs, especially hybrid drugs. We really like our mixers! Don’t we Tabs!

Tabby does a girly giggle, while Kascano slides his hand down her top; he cops a feel. Mills looks wasted, staring into space.

Moth: I noticed. I can mix, if the price is right.

Colley: Sounds like a party’s forming!

Mills: I got work in two hours - where these fuckin’ drinks?

Colley: They're cocktails.

Kascano: What they doing? The throwing-thing?

Colley: I dunno.

Moth: Throwing up more like. Those bar guys were hammering it.

Colley: It's cool; they let me try this cocktail for free. I was their test dummy! I didn’t mind! Yeah, shit, what was it called? Yeah, I done this cocktail called Puke, and it was-

Mills: (to Moth.) Your place big?

Colley: Well, it was well -

Moth: Huge.

Colley: Yeah?

Kascano: I BET YO' COCK’S HUGE!

Moth: Well, yeah. I can afford the works now. I bought my own cock - fuck hiring!

Tabby: You’ve got a big dick? Of course you have ! You’re loaded!

Moth: Look, I don’t flash it about - I’m not really-

Kascano: I would - I’d wear it down the bar, I’d be whacking ladies with it, maybe a few blokes.

Moth: It’s very sensitive, too sensitive sometimes; but with enough lubrication you can-

The drinks arrive; a Waiter brings the drinks. Mills glares at the Waiter.

Mills: Yeah, ‘bout time. All these years pass and all the technology and all we get is table-phone, so we don’t need to go up to the bar. It’s easier to pay. we want a faster fuckin’ service. The first robot that does you’re fucking job, I’m gonna tip it.

Waiter: Thanks sir.

The Waiter puppet is activated by Colley, looking high. Mills put his card into the phone at the time. It beeps.

Mills: Fuckers.

Kascano: Chill, man, chill.

Tabby: Let’s get some drugs.

Colley: I’ll sort it and can meet you round Moth’s in an hour or so?

Moth: Yeah, I’ll guard you’re cocktail;

Colley: Have it, mate. I owe you for the beer. See you later.

Colley exits.

Tabby: Shall we get a Shute to yours or do you want to get a perso-cab?

Moth: We’ll Shute it. The Shute is on my route, as it’s eaier. Plus it’s free.

Tabby: But you get everyone in peroscabs! I want to watch a movie! They do new releases - even movies specially made for persocabs!

Moth: Well, that’s great; but I’m not paying for that.

Kascano: The seats are comfortable.

Moth: I may be better off - but I’m not stupid. The shite’s automated and -

Kascano: Man, live a little. The Shute’s slow.

Moth: Well, can’t we…you know?

Tabby: No, fuck jabbering shite! I wanna get wasted and check out your gaff.

Mills: (throwing the powdered pint over him, and does a Batman vodka shot caplet.) I better go; Temple wants to see me.

Kascano: I’ll save you some.

Mills (taking his card out of the phone.) I’ll see you soon.

Kascano: You take care - the streets are rough.

Mills Fuck you; Temple’ll be getting me stacking shelves.

Mills wipes his mouth with a napkin and exits, sucking a THC-lolly.

Moth: I could’ve made him a coffee at mine.

Kascano: That’s cool; he’s a playmo - he’ll be fine. Nothing ever happens anyway.

Tabby: I’M GETTING BORED. beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, bloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopies.

Moth: (calling to the waiter, at the bar.) Bar-dude! Can we a have another bottle of Chamwig to go?

Waiter: (Colley does his voice.) Yeah, it’s on the house, Mister Moth. The manager wants to thank you for publicising this restaurant; people like to eat where rich people go and important-

Moth: I was just lucky-

Waiter: But you bring publicity, and word of mouth. Thanks on behalf of everyone here. This is for you! (Hands Moth a huge bottle of champagne; Waiter activates a control for canned bar applaud, as if he's won the World Cup.) Cheers.

Kascano: Now that has to be the same size as his cock!

Tabby laughs loudly, an annoying laugh, which could pierce any other sound. Everyone stops applauding and retches, coughs. we're drowned out by the sound.

Slip-scene…Another 1.
A spacecraft. Mess hall; it is quiet, slightly smoky, but quite morose Terw and Refto are eating.

Terw: Look, Refto, you’re a prick right? But you know the deal? We’ll we ‘re going to be shocked., the end is nigh. You know that.

Refto: Look, Terw we’re fine! We’re just cruising. Cruising in space. We’re not lost. We’re almost at that Colony Forty-Six. What can go wrong?

Terw: You shouldn’t’ve said that, cos you now know something will go wrong.

Refto: Fuck that shit; it’s all good. the foods shit; the holo-deck is out of order. The ship is falling part.

Terw: Will you keep quiet; the other drones are listening.

Refto: I don’t trust Hagen either.

Terw: We have to if we’re to get out of here.

Refto: I’m staying; I’m doing a runner when we get to the colony.

Terw: Look, I’m coming with you, but I just want you to know: I think this ship is haunted. I was in the holo-deck, before it all fucked up and it was really freaking me out. Some programme just activated itself while I was creating my own film. The bastards must have done something.

Refto: You sure it’s not the drugs?

Terw: Don’t blame the food. I can’t help it if things are getting funny.

Refto: Look, I think you should tell Hagen. What was the programme about?

Terw: This is going to sound funny, but it was about a couple who left earth and wanted to start a new life, but they were having problems conceiving. She had no womb and he had four sperm cells.

Refto: I see.

Terw: Well, she thought she had a daughter called Tinnie. But she then remembered that it was a doll she had when she was a kid. So the guy was all funny and all that.

Refto bursts out laughing, bleeding, dying again.

Terw: Man , it could be-

Refto: It’s a joke deck. It’s a programme that kicks in to scare the user. Kids do them all the time.

Terw: There are no kids.

Refto: Look, umm, I dunno your name, pea-brain; we’re friends, but try not to take this too seriously. Take some chemicals and gets some sleep. I’m going to search for Hagen, so I can fuck her. Hopefully, she’ll be masturbating again.

Terw: Give her a minute, she’s just got out of the shower!

Refto: I don’t want to fall out with you, but I will. I will compete with you, in the name of humanity, and you’ll lose. I know you won’t compete.

Terw: I won’t com-

Refto: See. Watch your back and don’t trust Hagen. If you tell her about this she’ll tell Relton. You’ll be locked up - labelled unstable.

Terw: I know what I saw. It fucked me up a bit to be honest.

Refto: Well, that’s your problem, isn’t it?

Terw: Suppose.(Smiles.) I like problems, I use to be good at Sudoku.

Refto: If you see Hagen tell her to find me and I’ll fuck her. (Beat.) Sorry, mate, are you two an item?

Terw: I fuck her, but I think that’s as far as it goes - no soul-weavings, not that messy.

Refto: Oh. Right. Good. Just checking, you see. Didn’t want to fuck you off. Get it? Hey, we’re still mates aren’t we?

Terw: Yeah, of course. Mates forever.

Refto: Good. (Pause.) I better be going. I have to use the toilet. I will be around, if you want to get spaced. Get it? No, I’ll stop now. I’m trying to break the ice, again. Make us all jokey like before.

Terw: Well, yeah, I can see that. But it won’t work. You know that don’t you?

Refto: I know.

Terw: But I want to keep it mutual - suck me off, or a wank comp? At least you were honest with me and didn’t back-stab me. You’ll always be my cum-muffin.

They shake hands and Terw kisses Refto, they hug. Hagen enters. She watches intrigued, and then laughs. Terw and Refto look embarrassed, but remain calm.

Terw: (to Hagen.) So what? We were hugging? Can’t a man hug his mates?

Hagen: Yeah, I liked it. I was just about to…You want to see what we have recovered though? You’ll never guess what.

Refto: An old satellite?

Terw: Fuck knows -just say it!

Hagen: Okay. We’ve found an old craft heading to Colony Forty-Six. The scan said no life forms, but when we opened it their were two in there. A man and a woman. They were sort of still alive. They are living, but really dead. Funny, right?

Terw: What in a deadlifey kind of way?

Hagen: No, this has nothing to do with science, it’s serious. (Terw looks confused.) It was weird because they were androids, but they looked like humans.

Refto: Yes, I know: I’ve read this and seen the simulation in the holo-deck.

Hagen: No, you don’t understand. It was different. They had been eaten by something, as if they were human once and then turned slowly into living death machines. It