Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

settle this peacefully. You didn’t see anything? Good? Good.

Terw: Yeah, whatever. I’ll see you.

Doldo: Where is Refto as well?

Terw: I think he’s fucking the Hagen sample - again. You should know this, she’s your daughter?

Relton: Why yeah, okay. Keep on going as normal. Later on, Terw. You’ll have a fine future on this ship. If you survive, of course. I keep dreaming I’m on Earth helping someone called Derek.Weird or what? But then I remember: it’s that episode of Quantum fuckin’ Leap - it’s in here. HERE, HERE! RIGHT IN THERE!

Terw exits, pointing the gun around him as if he’s being tracked by invisible aliens, as Relton and Doldo laugh.

Relton: That showed him, eh? I can do crazy too. His wasn’t very good. I think I’ll sleep for a while, and dream of Derek as a woman. It turns me on.

Doldo gets annoyed and storms out, jealous, crying completely over-the- top. Relton smirks, dozing off.

Scene X Moth’s apartment.
Day. Moth enters in lycra; wires are strapped to him and he is covered in candle wax. The lounge is basically his kitchen, bedroom and dining room all rolled into one.
Kascano emerges from under pile of clothes, in lycra and a wig. He has wires too.
Tabby enter, wearing a bath robe. She carries a bag of vomit.

Tabby: (to Moth.) I got it in the bag.

Moth: Oh.

Tabby: Lucky huh?

Moth: Huh?

Kascano: Shit - I’m late. Why didn’t you wake me?

Moth: When do you start?

Kascano: Half an hour! Fuck, fuck fuck! What happened last night.

Tabby: I don’t know - did Colley stay?

Moth: Not for long; just a quick tia-coke mixer.

Tabby: I do like Colley; he’s a good-

Kascano: Moth! Where are my clothes?

Tabby: You gave them to charity as a dare!

Kascano: Oh, shit. what the…I could buy em back.

Moth: If you liked them, do that. But you can borrow one of my suits.

Kascano: Really?

Moth: Yeah, just go through the hall, pass the bathroom, and there’s a hidden attic. The clothes are down there, with other junk.

Kascano: Cheers mate. Thanks.

Kascano exits, looking embarrassed.

Tabby: For a cop, he’s okay.

Moth: Yeah, he was good.

Tabby: So was that shit Colley gave us. Real punchy, like that. Wiped my mind.

Moth: Yeah, it was cool, I dunno. I never know. Toddy’s stuff is pretty shite compared to it; but Toddy’s always conning people. So it’s probably crap. He’s just a prick.

Tabby: I think I fucked a Todd - but not a Toddy.

Moth: This guy - I use to work with this guy and he was a complete bitch to me. He's taking the pain out on Colley. I feel sorry for that kid. I mean, I’m younger than toddy and I was doing penis permits for over ten years. Toddy was there before me and he hated it when I won. He knew I’d give him fuck all. Still rips me off on drugs, but Colley’s all right.

Tabby: You’re protective of Colley aren’t you?

Moth: Yeah, I guess I am.

Tabby: You like him?

Moth: Yeah. Yeah I think I do. But everyone fucks around, don’t they?

Tabby: Did you know I’m Colley’s wife?

Moth: I didn’t know, nope.

Tabby: Well, it works. Keeps things cool.

Moth: Yeah, I guess it would.

Pause.

Tabby: Can I …

Moth: I’ll put my juice-buster on when Cop-boy's gone.

Tabby: I didn’t know he was trying to find a killer.

Moth: Who Colley?

Tabby: No, Kascano. The cop-stud.

Moth: Er, oh, yeah.

Tabby: That’s it, pretend to remember!

Moth: No, I never…okay I can’t-

Tabby: I know, don’t worry.

Kascano enters in one of Moth’s polythene suits.

Kascano: Cheers moth - could you call a persocab for me, by the time I get down to ground floor?

Moth: Sure, no probs.

Kascano: Take care - thanks again Moth. Take care all - see you soon.

Kascano exits.

Moth: (picks up a watch on the side; into watch.) Hey, morning Jay, can you get Mr Kascano a persocab please - he needs it urgently...Cheers...Yeah, send up some breakfast. (The watch beeps.) Cool, huh?

Tabby: Good service.

Moth: That’s what I pay rent for.

Pause. Tabby then kisses moth.

Moth: I have to speak with Colley.

Scene 3.6
Hagen runs frantically through a dimly lit corridor on the space craft, just going round in circles, wearing a tutu and a kimono. It is claustrophobic and we see smoke. Hagen looks sacred. She screams; her clothes dirtied. She carries no weapon and looks sacred, as we hear a rumble and the lights flicker out. We see her squat on the floor and urinate; the lights come back, full on, as she urinates, the sound of piss deafening. We hear Relton laughing.

Malden’s apartment.
Day. It is in a similar state to Moth’s but Malden and Colley are psi-fucking; they have wires placed on their genitals and they convulse rapidly, as if they’re having absence seizures; tubes go up their butts. Malden cums, yelling. Colley laughs, mainly to himself. They hug.

Malden:(cleaning a wire, placing a microchip on its forehead with glue.) Thanks for coming back to me.

Colley: (sniffing the glue.) Look, I like you. A lot.

Malden: Don’t start. Not now. Let’s go to work. We better call this a business meeting.

Colley: The focus group's tomorrow.

Malden: Yeah, but I’m your boss and I have to pretend to care. I’m…when was the focus group?

Colley: Tomorrow, erm, I’m not sure on the time.

Malden: Well, you’re fired then, aren’t you?

Colley: Whoopee-woo-woo-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Malden: Oh, so you think that I’m joking.

Colley: Shit! I must know you too well now!

Malden: You do. I better go in. You can have the day free, if you want.

Colley: No, it’s cool. I’ll come in; it’s nothing.

Malden: Cool. Look, I think it’s cool, you know, that you-

Colley’s watch beeps.

Colley: Sorry. (Answers watch by clicking button.) Hello...Oh, Toddy. Hi…Yeah, it’s early…No, I’m at home…yeah, yeah…oh. Well, I can meet you…I’m coming in later - I took flexi-time…Yeah, yeah, cool. I can help you…no, I’m out…Uh, well, if you…I mean, I…Oh, well, yeah, I think we could be…Yeah, bye - see you in ten…Okay, bye, mate. (The watch beeps off.) That was-

Malden: Toddy! What the fuck?

Colley: I’m shocked; he sounded fucked. He must be still high from the night before, must be. He probably forgot how to de-waste himself. He wants me and him to ‘do’ lunch.

Malden: If he comes on to you tell me and I’ll fire him.

Colley: I could make something up, couldn’t I?

Malden: I was hoping you would.

Colley: No, no…I don’t really know him.

Malden: He’s a dick.

Colley: I know. I better go to meet him.

Malden: What the fuck? You’re on some weird shit; get your head, oh, you’re so funny. You religious?

Colley: Not to my knowledge; I think it’s natural to help-

Malden: Oh, fuck off. I’ll see you in a bit.

Malden exits. Colley changes, looking stunned.

Scene 6.7
A spacecraft, cargo bay. Terw patrols. He has a torch and we hear the dripping of old pipes. It is quite dank in the cargo bay and their are a few eerie noises that make him turn. The torch goes out and Terw switches on the lights. He lights a smoke, then takes some pills, drinks some powder, wincing. Terw has a bag. In it is a plant. He eats one of the leaves.

Newly Recycled Cardboard Office.
Day. The desks have been stacked up and the chairs are stacked up. Workers are sitting on the floor, like children, looking bored, their heads bowed.
Malden sits in the middle. There is an eerie silence as we hear Malden typing on a calculator sized computer, looking bored. Malden takes a pill and sips her coffee.

Malden: so that’s the end of the meeting, huh? (Pause.) Anymore comments? (Longer pause.) Okay, fuck it. You don’t care; yeah? Right.

Colley and Toddy enter, looking flushed.

Toddy: Sorry, Mal, for being late.

Malden: You didn’t miss much.

Colley: Could you recap?

Malden: That would be wasting time.

Colley: Surely debating about it is wasting time!

Malden: Well, stop wasting my time then.

Colley: Yeah, sure, Mal.

Malden: Any ideas? We’ve got to sort this image problem. We’re being made to look like wasters - we’re not. We’re needed.

Colley: Okay. I have one plan: environmental pen-pushers go green. If we have more plants and plant trees, around the community, then people will think we’ve got dual purposes.

Malden: Umm, yeah, that’s cool. I think the GA will like that.

Colley: Do you like it?

Malden: I like it, yeah. I better watch it or you’ll be the boss - or the resident agony aunt.

Toddy: What’s that suppose to mean?

Malden: It was a joke; it could mean anything you like.

Toddy: I didn’t find it funny.

Malden: You’re a dick.

Pause.

Toddy: That’s what you think of me, huh?

Malden: I’m under pressure - you’re under no fucking pressure - I have to make this image, make-over thing look cool. The public don’t buy it, we’re out. They’ll get computers to-

Toddy: (pushing Colley, but speaking to Malden. Colley laughs.) I HAVE GOT FUCKIN’ PROBLEMS YOU FUCKER! YOU THING! I’M ON THE FUCKIN’ EDGE HERE!

Malden: What the fuck?

Colley: Toddy, chill man! He’s a joke.

Toddy: STOP TELLING ME TO FUCKIN’ CHILL - THAT’S ALL YOU EVER SAY TO ME!

Colley: Oh, fuck you then - fuck you!

Kascano enters, looking worn out, and annoyed. He carries a gun.

Kascano: Sorry to interrupt but I have to speak with Toddy Hudenberg.

Toddy: NO! NO! NO!

Kascano: Come with me, come quietly, Toddy.

Toddy: Look, I didn’t mean to fuck up his permit and I didn’t mean to do yours too - honest it was an easy mistake, I’m really sorry.

Kascano: Mine wasn’t fucked up - YOU FUCKED MILLS OVER THOUGH, YOU SICK PIECE O’ -

Toddy: My supply was low and I had to mix…it was domestic - I didn’t know he had allergies, I really didn’t…I was gonna sort it. I-I-I, er, yeah, hah! I’m hoping you’ll see this as, a mistake. Yeah?

Kascano: Mills, man, my fuckin’ partner. We got kids man, we got fuckin’ kids. You piece of shit.

Kascano smacks Toddy with the butt of the gun. Toddy falls easily, whimpering. He crawls along the