Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

was strange; there was something human about them. We have them in the medi-deck. They look freakish; still moving, but nothing’s there. You know? Like ghosts.

Terw: No, we’re going to have to see.

Hagen: No! Stop! The real purpose of my trip to see you was to tell you that my daddy wants to see you. He knows you’re both fucking me, but he wants to assign you to new duties. Okay, I’ll let you boys play; I’m going to get spaced. I got some brilliant yen pox apples. They were really popular on a Venus colony about two cycles ago. I picked a load up, because you know how productive terra-formers are. No, they gave me some cut price, saying the real opium is not as good as synth-opium-trip-shit; as this stuff was artificially cultivated - you hear all that bullshit? - but this shit was also made with modified starches, so it's kinda healthyish. They turned this into apples and effectively found out that they could make synth-opium-apples; fucking trippy. This was due to the apple shortage. They decided -

Terw: Hagen: please stop chatting shit; you’re doing my head in! SHUT IT TART-FART!

Hagen: (smiles.) Well, fuck you too. You can kiss my granny’s crusty fanny, you scummy piece of shit.

Terw: I’m sorry, but you’re a fucking twat at times. We don’t care about what you’re doing. You’re always on about you. YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT ABOUT ME! ME! ME! Is that who you love?

Hagen: Oh, so I’m a hollow bitch now?

Refto: I don’t know what he’s up to Hagen, he obviously doesn’t trust you.

Hagen: I think you’re right Refto. At least you’ re loyal; you were my favourite, anyway.

Terw: Well, I’m off to see the twat in charge.

Hagen: Go on, you bogey-fucker - I know you‘ll fiddle with those death machines - you‘re sick, Terw. (Terw laughs, so does Refto. Terw starts to film then, he‘s pressed a button on his pad and he‘s now invisible even though they bump into him, it‘s as if they just ignore him.) Refto: I’ll see you later. Meet me at the spa deck for stasis rubdown

Refto: Sure babe. Sorry about him. He’s got a problem, as you can see, with authority. Maybe he needs more time.

Hagen: I’ll get daddy to get him to see the doctor; he’s probably feeling depressed due to space travel, but he’ll be okay. I think he should have more drugs, especially if he wants to get on with people and have self-control. Does he eat replicant-food?

Refto: Not the food we have. He’s got other stuff. He says he grew it. But where? Is he doing something dangerous? He does like his moulds and fungi.

Hagen: I’ll get my dad to monitor him. He could be unstable. He is part of a dangerous class anyway, with his background and all that.

Refto: Yeah, I know about his background. He’s bored me with his hardships. You get to a certain stage and just don’t want to hear about hardships anymore do you?

Hagen: I agree. You’ve made me horny now - let’s have a quickie. Right here, right now.

Refto: Okay.

Refto starts to clothes-fuck Hagen. She stops him.

Hagen: (angry.) No, don’t clothes fuck me. I don’t have periods, so you don’t need to clothes fuck me. I like people watching me; I thought you liked it too?

Refto: Er, yeah okay.

Hagen: Strip me off or do I have to get intergalactic with you?

Hagen rips open Refto’s suit and chews off his tube penis, taking a huge chomp out of it.

Mor-ones
A spacecraft. Relton’s office. Relton is clothes-fucking Doldo. They’re going at it rapidly, both in spandex undergarments that only reveal the backsides (and the fronts.) Relton comes ridiculously quickly. They get their breath back; a silence. Then Terw walks through the portal door. He stares, then walks out again, as Relton sees him and panics; in his attempt to return to normality his cyberpenis comes off. It is stuck up Doldo’s backside. Doldo, not realising, takes an old poster of Earth handed to him by mechanic hands and wraps it round himself. Relton composes himself.

Relton: Yes! What is it?

Terw enters through the portal.

Terw: Ensign Refto and myself, Lieutenant Terw. Reporting for new orders.

Relton: Oh, I suppose you think it’s funny to interrupt my meetings? Have you completed your other tasks?

Terw: Yes. About two years ago. Just muddling on, while everything else falls apart.

Relton: That’s not a criticism of my command is it?

Terw: I suppose - but nothing will change will it?

Relton: You're right. I take it the holo-deck has subdued you. I know it can do that. You lose a grip on reality, don’t you?

Terw: I suppose. (Looks at Relton appear with no penis.) Yeah, I suppose it does.

Relton: You see, we had to adulterate the food for obvious reasons. We needed to get off Earth because everything was fucked; but we also had produced too much fake food. We were killing ourselves. But we had real food, but it didn’t became real in space climes, if you understand. So what happened was we tried to make the food more durable, but that didn’t work. We had failed tests; we couldn’t maintain the costs. So we decided to just make substitutes to be on the safe side. It’s not my fault,. But we’ve killed all the scientists now. We’ll never listen to market forces again, but we are now on our own. I like Terw. I know you and Refto fuck Hagen. She tells me about it - I see it all for official purposes of course. I would eventually like a go myself. At Hagen that is.

Terw: She’s your daughter, isn‘t she?

Relton: You hearing things? What did you think I said?

Terw: You wanted to have a go - like a sexual 'go' with your daughter.

Relton: I didn’t say that! No way! Did I ,Doldo?

Doldo: No, sir, no. Negative. I’m positive about that negative.

Relton: See, Doldo’s positive about being negative, so he must be reliable.

Terw: I guess. I’ve had a long day, so it’s therapeutic decay now!

Relton: Are any of the crew displaying these symptoms?

Terw: What symptoms?

Relton: Well, whatever it is you’ve got!

Terw: I’m tired. I’m sorry. Sir.

Relton: No need to get all defiant. You really do have an attitude problem. You’re going to have a hard time here.

Terw: Look, can you just give me the orders; I will do them then get wasted. You just get me out of here GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Relton: (to Doldo.) That’s what I’m starting to think; get my gun. A stubborn one, Doldo! I know you like to shoot off.

Doldo goes to get a gun from a compartment ion the wall. He types in an access code and takes out a gun, then types a code into the gun, making beeping noises Terw suddenly goes berserk; Doldo drops the gun. .

Terw: WHY DO YOU HAVE NO PENIS? WHY THAT IS NOT A FUNNY JOKE? I‘M NOT LAUGHING! WHY DO EAT AWAY AT ME? ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK ME UP? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? YOU FUCKERS!

Pause. Relton feels himself; realizes his penis is missing. He screams, as does Doldo, who tries to reach for the gun, it’s heating up, and is burning his hand.

Relton: Search for my penis! Fuck the gun! You had it last! Don’t let him see it! This is most subordinate, Doldo! You’ll be demoted! Oh, you don’t care do you! It doesn’t work no more - just find the cock.

Terw looks on the verge of collapse. Terw takes some pills off Relton’s desk and drinks powdered water.

Relton: Look, Doldo, this is serious. I need that thing…

Terw: So what does this make us? How long have you known?

Relton: You know abut the dead-alive fake people? (Terw shrugs, one side of his body goes limp, as if he can‘t control it no longer.) Yes, we were shocked; thought they were dead humans, but they were not. they were even real. They were cloned bio-cybs. Very sophisticated. They were a sign, but we ignored it. Colony Forty-Six has problem. We don’t know if we can cope. But we need to go somewhere and Colony Forty-Six is as far as we’ve gone.

Terw: You’re selling us a dream, aren’t you? Playing fucking God! I hate that old fucking thing! Why does someone always want to be God? What do they want to do when someone else is God?

Relton: Yes, well, maybe their won’t be too many gods. One God has created enough problems, but I have to sell a utopia, considering their is nothing else on earth to hope for.

Terw: Well, it’s not utopia; utopia never existed.

Relton: Well, it might‘ve somewhere, I dunno…fuck it. We’re travelling blind. You’re clever and argumentative for a menial core worker. You’re going to do a boring job; one that will bludgeon your brain to accept this reality. Hopefully. You can still hope, but I run the show, we’ll all decay together, okay? So no counter-revolutionary ideas form you.

Terw: I don’t care about what you sell over the counter, it’s just that you forget the fact that you’ve messed us up. We don’t know what we are now; what have you made us? Are we all you’re experiments?

Doldo punches Terw weakly, Terw laughs. Relton restrains Terw from reacting.

Relton: Look, just calm down. You’re working in cargo storage. Monitor it.

Doldo: Yeah, from some aliens. You love them, don’t you, spaceboy?

Terw: look, Dildo, you have issues, but just keep your brain cell out of conversation. You’re such a Mawter! I’M MUTATING IN MY FUCKING SLEEP!

Relton: What is that from? Mawter? That’s my favourite holo-prog!

Terw: I needed to get some action.

Doldo: (to Relton) He’s flipped? He’s quoting his imaginary film! This reality is not in our jurisdiction.

Relton: Shut up and find this dick - you dick!

Doldo(laughing; Terw does not find it funny, reaches for the gun, it does not burn him, he takes it.) Oh, very funny! I get it…I think I do…yep…umm…I’m not -

Terw sits down while Relton and Doldo search for Relton’s penis. Doldo turns around and bends over to stick the penis into Terw’s face. Terw sees the penis jammed intoDoldo’s anus. Terw screams, shooting it with the gun, as he thinks it‘s some sort of alien. Relton and Doldo turn around simultaneously . There is a pause as we hear the laser blast pinging around off the cosmically protected penis.

Relton: What? We’re under attack - who fired the blast?

Doldo: (whispering to Relton) Let him go…for now, he can be seized later when he’s on duty.

Relton: You’ve saved my arse! Thanks, Doldo. (To Terw.) get off then, you.

Terw: I heard that you were going to arrest me later. Why not now?

All stare at the gun. Beat. Then stare back at each other.

Relton: Let’s