Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

Eternity rocks. You’re just getting Earth sick! Ah! How sweet! Oooh! Makes me feel all gooey! I bet you miss your old, pointless, Earth jobs. My father made this ship for us - rich on earth, rich in space -we’ll be able to travel in style. We had teething problems, I know, all the money vanished, and we had to get the ship going earlier than planned. You do know the CIA are on to us? Well, they noticed our millions vanishing. My father, Chief Relton, will make us a futuristic society. These conditions are only temporary. Follow me.

Terw: Is this for the futuristic orgies and stuff - like we see on Bravo. You know I thought we would all wear lycra and spandex!

Hagen: No.

Refto: Maybe we stowed away on the wrong ship, duckie?

Scene 0.
The spacecraft.Small polystyrene Pods covered in tin foil are lined up. They are frozen. An airlock opens, hear a zwish sound. A puppet child enters. The airlock closes. The child wanders around, but the airlock opens again, another zwish sound. A Bio-Chemical war suited person grabs the child, crushing it slowly, and drags the child away. The child resists, but is, eventually, dragged away. The airlock closes. Silence.

Penis Bank.
Penises are on shelves and there is a monitor in the background showing a man attaching different types of large penises - all uncomfortable looking. Bob, the manager, dusts the penises on the shelf, with a jiffy cloth. Moth enters.

Moth: You okay, Bob?

Bob: No, not really. (Pause.) Sorry, how are you?

Moth: Feeling shit.

Bob: So you thought a new penis would cheer you up - good idea! I’ve got a couple new ones just in’ you could try ‘em out - like a test ride. I’m selling the new Juicebuster67. That’s if you’re interested.

Moth: I’m pissed off, in a big way. I don’t know.

Bob: Didn’t you win the lottery? This is the same Moth?

Moth: Yeah, I won - but it was the Martian one.

Bob: Yeah, I remember. I ain’t seen you in ages.

Moth: I’ve been dead.

Bob: Have this penis on the house.

Moth: Cheers Bob.

Bob: No, it’s nothing. It keeps the population down; let’s us folk enjoy life; gives us a demand on things. As long as it stays like that, it’s cool with me. I don’t mind dishing out freebies.

Moth: But what about…

Bob: The new advertising drive thing - well the GovAgency better get it sorted or we’ll just hire a cheaper one. I mean, it’s been going that way for ages. People want quick results, you know, er, what’s the word, quickly.

Moth: You know I was a bureaucrat, and I jacked my job in. Said I’d deserved it. That was nice, but I knew everyone hated me. I really don’t care about money.

Bob: That’s good. that’s very good. I think you should buy the Juicebuster - I’ll give you a discount?

Moth: Yeah, cool.

Scene 0.5
A space craft. A corridor. Terw and Refto follow Hagen, stalking her as she sleepwalks.

Hagen: Look, you’ve just watched Dark Star too much.

Terw: No way, I got bored of everything. I am boredom. I don’t know…will death be fun? It’s harsh to say, as life is cheap, but I really love life, and I hate the thought of death. But living is so boring and -

Hagen: I know you think I’m a spoilt rich girl; but I think you don’t know me. Find out what is really going on. Trust me - it’s only a sensory overload. You’ll be in love with it soon. Meet back here at zero four hundred million hours

Refto: No way - I’ll be in bed.

Hagen: Yeah, I know.

Terw: Oh, Hagen, you durrrteeee gurl! You going to join us in bed?

Refto: What you on about? We don’t sleep together, you spaced-fucker!

Terw: I’ve forgot my lazer-lenses that is why I’m being so random - sorry.

Hagen: No need to apologise to me. I didn’t think you were sleeping together?

Refto: Join us, join us! Who the fuck cares! Bring your own cable though!

Terw: See! Aaahwanker!

Refto: Fuck you, bitch.

Pause. They all glare angrily at each other; it’s tense as if they’re going to launch into a argument, then suddenly soften, smiling, stroking each other, tenderly, giggling, then move away glaring at each other angrily again.

Hagen: Okay, well, I better get back to my work. See you here...Later?

Refto and Terw try to strip, but the cables are to tight on them, they suck each others tubes and then get tangled and mixed up, trying to unhook themselves, looking exhausted, they sit in:

Scene 1.
A spacecraft: Holo-lounge. Refto and Terw are in chairs. They don’t move. Both have their eyes blacked out. Lights in multi-coloured patterns swirl round them in rapid strobes, then relaxing star-lights. Shadows gyrate around them. Valance and Guinow enter.

Valance: How long have they been in there?

Guinow: For ever. As long as I’ve known them.

Valance: So it’s been a while. Look, Guinow, let me make it up to you. I used to lick ass for a living?

Guinow: Okay, Valance, but I want to know why this experiment has gone wrong.

Valance: It wasn’t real enough for them. They wanted a reality, but we gave them the world of varying alternate realities. They knew no better.

Guinow: (wiping her butt with a cloth and throwing it over his face, enjoying it.) Sorry. Run that by me again; I wasn’t listening. I was thinking of probation.

Valance: (sniffing the cloth, deeply.) Yes, so was I - the shit’s so good, love space shit. I was trying to come up with a bad innuendo.

Guinow: No, you were trying to be arousing. Weren’t you?

Valance: I suppose, yes, I was displaying an emotion. But I wanted you to feel my trauma. I do care, I’m not pretending. Well, I think so...

Guinow: I think you are. Look, let’s not get personal. The crew has the right to know that this isn’t safe. And it’s all in their food and in their DNA. They’re fucking mutants now. What are we going to do? They’re on their way to Colony 46. We have to stop them.

Valance: No, we must cover this up. No-one must find out. They were guinea pigs, but we must not tell the crew. Underplay it as a myth. They will get suspicious and so will Relton.

They stare; pause. They then kiss gently.

[Advert]
We see an office made out of cardboard; it has a cardboard table and chairs and the computers are even cardboard. We hear: System of a Down’s ‘Arto’ and we see a young bureaucrat called Colley jump into the office. He then starts to trash it and dance in a weird way to the savage beat. Then , once the office is really trashed, we hear a cheesy voice over. Colley does a catalogue pose; bearing his chest and picks up a pot-plant which he holds.

VO: Hey people, you lucky, lucky, people. Do you think the bureaucrat is all pen-pushing and being geeky? They’re overpaid and they know it! The yuppie scum are gonna hafta to do some work! And this is how it works: we give workers the opportunity now to alleviate stress by trashing their offices for a chunk of their monthly wage. This experience is fun and is the ultimate group exercise. Also, we’ve started an initiative that the bureaucrat will help you. The first sign is watch these office bores plant tress, clean streets, wipe the shit away; and help improve the community; it’s needed and must be done. Thank you for you’re time.

Scene 1.5.
A spacecraft. Corridor. Hagen is waiting. Refto appears then Terw does, moments later.

Hagen: Why did you arrive later? I thought you two slept together? Oh, now that ruins the fantasy.

Terw: Err, yeah we do sleep together. On occasions. Not always.

Refto: You’re making it worse. It was your idea to arrive separately, now you’re saying we’re sleeping together. Look, just stop coming onto me.

Terw: Look, she has the power. it’s called sex magic.

Refto: Oh, really. Well, I didn’t know women were sexual shaman.

Terw: You’re a twat do you know that? I think that light-speedy thing fucked you up. Up, like proper. Proper-fucked in the head. Refto, that could be the name of our space documentary?

Hagen(to the audience, while Refto and Terw discuss their plan.) Trilight. It’s a bad name, but we want something catchy, but daddy couldn’t get the rights to get light-speed off George Lucas. Everyone calls it light-speed. Warp whatever never really caught on - well it's cool. Better than fucking Trilight. (Turns to Refto and Terw, who stop talking. She thinks they are gay and she likes that. Hagen takes off her jacket and throws it down.) It’s getting hot in here. Shall we take off all our skins?

Refto: Well, yeah. We might do. But we thought you were going to tell us something. Like some deforming shit that’s in the food, or something like that. (Trying to scare; laughs it off.) We’ll be mutants and all that shit!

Hagen: It’s in you, it’s in you, it’ll always be in you.

Terw: Alien? Not Aliens?

Hagen: No - NO! There’s a Alien Three or Four. No Five or Six. Is there? I dunno. You should always free the inner alien, though. My twin died inside me, but we still speak, it’s nothing new - we are each other now, I’m gonna cut the lazy fuck out!OH YES I AM! YES! I AM A CRAZY CUTIE! (Taps to the back of her skull, then jabs it violently, wiping a ball of saliva from the corner of her mouth, laughing at Terw and Refto.) Fuckin’ -

Refto: I’m lost. Are you suggesting, Hagen, that we play astral hide and seek in this quadrant?

Hagen: Well, yes! That’s what I wanted to show you. My play quadrant. This ship is massive and you think it’s small! You have no idea what a large place this is. I have control because Relton is my poopsie poppa. But you know I get lonely. I bother your world, but that gets too competitive sometimes. I like to masturbate here. And I like getting caught - that is a huge turn on! I fuck the person who catches me masturbating. I fucked a dog last week because it saw me through the walls of my bedroom.

Refto: Ah, that explains everything!

Hagen strips off completely, revealing an oily scaled-reptilian body and Refto and Terw try to follow her, stripping as well in desperation, but they can’t seem to part from their slithery suits

NEXT PHASE: Treason of the Clerks [or: Thank You, Iris!]

Office.
Night. Cardboard again but spray painted messily. Bovvy walks in, and throws the telephone cord round a beam and wraps on end round his neck. He then clears the papers off the cardboard table and stands on it, the cardboard table cannot take his weight and it collapses, part of the cardboard tears , and this hangs Bovvy.