Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

THREE: LECTURE ROOM
A mandatory course introduction lecture is beginning, and we see PROFESSOR PERCIVAL, dressed very smartly, looking over some badly photocopied print-outs; he's starting to get flustered as he ruffles his hair. DR SUKIM enters dressed like a dominatrix. She carries a thin plastic folder, and a large PVC raincoat. TAV stumbles in, checking out SUKIM, drooling, slightly. SUKIM is busy staring at PERCIVAL. TAV eventually sits down, and starts to give SUKIM a series of "looks", which he think will make SUKIM notice him.

PERCIVAL(shocked to see SUKIM standing behind him; stares at her looking awkward.) AH! Doctor Sukim, how nice of you to join us! I'm just annoyed at the quality of the reprographics. It really is shocking - I wish they'd get something in to sort this out - like a new photocopier!(Laughs, but SUKIM doesn't get the joke. She looks at the empty lecture room.) But it's your call today...Enjoy the baptism of fire - the call to the frontline as I used to say! But yes, well...(Tries to read the print-out again.) I'm not too sure on terrorist tendencies and sexualities. But I'm sure you'll have lots in common with Andre, though - you know must know Andre Dirkson, by now?

SUKIM(an evil smile.) Uh yez, yez, Deeksun -(She laughs loudly; winking at TAV, who's listening in.) I spank hiz boodee lurst night - hiz mind is vurry noortee!

PERCIVAL Erm...right, yes, of course. well, I better...I'll go to the back and watch if you don't mind me hanging around to find out what you do?

SUKIM Oh purr-leeze stave - vurry nice, Purcee.

PERCIVAL(smiles, looking awkward, as there's only one student there[TAV].) I reckon this might be it. Good luck.

PERCIVAL hovers slowly edging away from SUKIM, as if he is scared of her. TAV is still posing.

SUKIM(a fucked variant of English, that no-one really understands her.) Fonk yar vurry mooch Purcee - yaaar - I begin und says fonk yarz, yar? - heure, ine Rumsbum, und I lecture, mah research - yar - on effnic minaratees earleee mudon Bra-tun, mar-be huro-fungy, der-pend on foooooon-ding yar? (Laughs at her own joke, no-one understands a word she says.) Goo'. Weeeeeeeeeeeell, I deleevar pap-par at Hooooogdon Hull, Vindsarr, yaaaaaar? Goo' I let Purcee tooke ovuh fur kar-westonz. I show imergez fur new rez-erch, heure.Purr-leeze see, fonk yar vurry mooch.

Pause, PERCIVAL and TAV look utterly confused. SUKIM opens her plastic folder and takes out some photographs of tortured people, torture devices and then fetishists; she is in some of the photographs, either being the submissive or the dominatrix. These photographs, she passes to TAV and PERCIVAL. PERCIVAL quickly hands the photographs he receives to TAV. SUKIM then starts to read through Camille Paglia's 'Vamps and Tramps', ignoring TAV and PERCIVAL.

PERCIVAL(embarrassed, trying to look away.) GREAT! ANY QUESTIONS? NO? Thank good-

TAV(looking intensely at the photographs.) What she say?

PERCIVAL(struggling to explain.) It's fine, very complex, erm...Yes, brilliant! Actually, I'll refer everyone to the intranet, as there is such a low turnout today. Very odd. I wonder who's signing everyone else in? (TAV looks baffled; PERCIVAL smiles, nervously ruffling his hair again.) GREAT! Got a print-out, Tav?(TAV shrugs; PERCIVAL laughs.) It might be handy, but I suppose the pictures are better right?

TAV Yeah, sure. I'm keeping these. Not comin' for a few pints, Percy?

PERCIVAL(jovially to TAV.) ONLY THE ONE - ONLY THE ONE! WHY NOT! Don't let the Dean find out though!

TAV(mimicking PERCIVAL, laughing. PERCIVAL laughs nervously with him.) Of course, Percy, of course! You know Dirkson might be there. though.

PERCIVAL It's okay - he's partial to a few tipples isn't he?

TAV He's a maniac, mate. He'll rape someone - anyone - one of these days.

PERCIVAL Well, I won't be there long. Dirkson's on his own in these matters. He does get a bit too close with the students - you ents, eh? - but he is still quite young for a mature lecturer. And his wife left him for a transsexual - his secretary, Valerie, told me.

TAV(shocked.) Shit - that explains a lot. I bet you already knows what he calls you - a sweet-sugar-dumpling. He's got you down in his phone as that. He thinks you're queer - you know? A batty man, mon?

PERCIVAL(laughing it off, shaking his head.) Great lilt there - I can tell you've been working on that.

TAV Yeah, thanks.

PERCIVAL Andre Dirkson - our very own Dirky, eh? He has a very bizarre sense of humour at times. It's funny, you mention him now - I think he had an article savaged recently on some site linked to The Hitch's excellent website. Now he's a jammy bastard, eh? Liberal Studies is a nice little niche. I'm gutted I didn't think of it!

TAV(thinking.) Yeah, you're right; Dirkson can be a twat at times!

PERCIVAL Yes, well - let's get that swift pint, I have a full schedule.

PERCIVAL quickly exits, though TAV is lingering behind staring SUKIM as she replaces her photographs back into the plastic folder. SUKIM, winks at him, wriggling her tongue at him. TAV smiles, puckering his lips. PERCIVAL re- enters, trying to hurry TAV up in frown-language, but he speaks to SUKIM, who smiles at PERCIVAL

PERCIVAL(flustered.) Sorry, I forgot to mention not to forget those forms; it is necessary paper work, unfortunately, and we do not want to be sued by any money grubbers. Told You so - to quote Depeche Mode, of course.

SUKIM(smiling at PERCIVAL, checking him out; PERCIVAL is clearly uncomfortable.) Fin, fin , Purcee. Dunt bee waareed, it fin. Weelaax, Purcee!(Goes to rub PERCIVAL'S shoulder, but PERCIVAL backs off and smiles, exiting quickly again.) Laytar Purcee, yaar?

PERCIVAL(nervously around SUKIM.) Yes - yes, indeed...I won't be back after lunch - I need to dash to Belsize Park - it's my mother again, she's started to re-discover naturalism. I think it's another new project she keeps going on - blowing my inheritance on, no doubt.(Nervously tries to laugh it off, SUKIM laughs with him, but the laugh is really fake.) Not that I begrudge her some money, as an allowance, of course...But you know how it goes these days! It's the Silver age...So the authorities are asking questions, naturally. It'll take me some time to explain this one, methinks!

SUKIM and TAV laugh as WILF suddenly enters, smeared in vomit, eating a pasty, and dressed as a Jedi Knight. WILF is, also, still finishing off a can of K cider. PERCIVAL and SUKIM pretend not to notice - though SUKIM laughs at WILF and PERCIVAL shakes his head in disbelief, checking his watch. TAV suddenly looks ill, covering his mouth.

PERCIVAL Good night was it?

WILF Of course Percy, as always.

TAV Wilf, you fuckin' dick! AHH! Man! Why don't you wash! My word! AWWWH!

WILF It's drying up now - it's fine, mate, it's nothing!

TAV I'm not your mate - I think you're one fucking filthy cunt!

WILF(laughing at TAV, nudging PERCIVAL, who looks confused.) Wow, coloureds do speak with blunt tongues! Daddy was right! You are funny, Tav!

TAV I ain't joking, I'm telling you that you're fucking-

WILF Don't worry, I'll get some wet wipes later, mate.You coming to the bar then?

TAV(checking his appearance in his pocket mirror.)Fucking stinky fucking -

WILF It's nothing - I've seen you do worse on a Friday night at the back of the fried chicken shop. Did you fuck that fat girl against the dumpsters there, too?

SUKIM is laughing now, enjoying TAV losing his "cool", as PERCIVAL looks away, embarrassed, checking his watch again. WILF swigs his cider and keeps swaying.

TAV(looking ill; sounding stressed.) Now you're really making me feel like shit - I'm gonna chuck! Fuck! I gotta -

TAV runs out, retching. SUKIM laughs at TAV and PERCIVAL looks annoyed, as TAV has now left him with WILF. WILF burps, swaying.

WILF(looking dazed.) Is it the morning now? Must've had a late one too that Tav - I can't stand people who can't hold their own drink. It's why society's so fucked.

PERCIVAL Erm, yes. Well, I better get -

WILF Have I missed it?

PERCIVAL Well, Doctor Sukim here has some photographs you can examine. But you're the second person here, so we decided to call time on it for today. But it's quite a forward thinking course - if I may say so, Doctor Sukim.(SUKIM bows at PERCIVAL, going back to her book.) I don't know enough about it myself, but I'm slightly interested in how it'll progress here - but it'll be more Hi-Tech as it goes on, hopefully.

WILF Great...great.(Holding his stomach.) Shit - I knew that porkpie for breakfast was a bad idea. Sorry - it's giving me the farts now.

PERCIVAL It's fine - my nose is blocked thankfully!

SUKIM(puts her book down, and starts feeling up WILF, the smell of vomit turning her on. WILF smiles at her, looking surprised as PERCIVAL looks away.)Ooooh, big ur? Yarrr?

PERCIVAL(innocently, slightly embarrassed.) Is that hop-gang-hip-rap-grime-crunk? Sounds like a dodgy herbal remedy I took in Cambodia last year...(Thinks SUKIM spoke to him.) Eh?

SUKIM(smiling at PERCIVAL.) Yar? Yar! It’s ool a loodar mar…wotar verd faaar sulve?

PERCIVAL(smiles, actually looks scared, as he has not got a clue what she‘s saying she‘s stroking her leg up and down; he might be shocked as he never gets hit on) Erm, well, erm, well, yes, I see your...erm…yes, well -

WILF(distracting everybody; taking loads of random objects/rubbish out from his Jedi Knight costume, looking for something.) Result - found my cheque-book.

PERCIVAL Huh?

WILF(kisses his ruined looking cheque-book.) I'm off to the bar - coming Percy?

PERCIVAL Yes, well, erm, no - best not now.(Looking at his watch.) Me and Dirkson don't get on - bloody rotter, isn't he?

WILF(stuffing things back into his pockets slowly.) Yes, he's a dick - but I don't think he can help it. I mean, let's be honest here - he's worse than me!

PERCIVAL(smiles.) I know...I think he hates me as I sorted this department out in a year and he's a bit envious I think; he's a bit of Gordon Gecko at heart, despite all that bullshit Anarcho-Marxist jargon he spouts. Only someone who's lived their entire life in Academia can get away with that sort of rubbish. Oh, yes, Wilf - brilliant essay by the way; very good indeed! I don't know how you do it - I always see you in the bar getting hammered with Sadler!

WILF I live in all the time though, Percy. Hazards of the halls!

PERCIVAL(smiles.) I suppose. You watching the fourth round, eh?

WILF Yes, definitely - it'll be a tough game for Fulham. Though I'm more of a rugger-bugger!

PERCIVAL(looking at his watch again, trying to end the conversation.) Yes - I'm also put off by rugby, it's a bit...slowish. (Looking at his watch putting right up to his face.) Oh, damn - must dash, I really need to get to Belsize Park! Cheerio folks!

PERCIVAL exits quickly, as we see WILF smiling at SUKIM, who sidles up to him and starts rubbing his crotch. WILF smiles, looking baffled, thinking he's part of a set-up. TEDDY enters, looking lost; he stares, perving, as SUKIM rubs up against WILF, breathing on him, doing a