Plays 1: Weird Time Blues by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (smart books to read .TXT) 📕

tonight! There'll be strippers!

TEDDY They're refurbishing?

GUTHRIE Some dodgy slappers from the brothel in town; me mate, Sadler, he fucked one in the field! He got caked in cow shit, puke, cum, blood and grass! Now that was a night! I'm not joking, mate, the rashes we had in the morning! I can't remember much, though, it's a bit of a blur - thankfully!

TEDDY(as if he's been thinking about something else.) What is?

GUTHRIE It's always messy - you know how it goes?

TEDDY No, I don't. Sorry what's your name again?

GUTHRIE Guthrie, mate. (Offers his hand to shake TEDDY'S, but TEDDY doesn't shake his hand, just stares at GUTHRIE'S hand.) Nice to meet you...? -

TEDDY Yes, nice to meet you, too.

GUTHRIE(pause, staring at TEDDY, expecting him to say who he is, but TEDDY just smiles and looks around nervously, putting his map away neatly in his backpack.) Sorry - I must be feeling a bit rough today! - I didn't catch your name, mate?

TEDDY I'm Teddy. Mate.

GUTHRIE Nice name. Erm, mate?

TEDDY Sorry -?

GUTHRIE Guth-

TEDDY(getting quieter as he talks.) Oh right. Sorry Graham. Mate - sorry - almost forgot the mate bit at the end. Not use to -

GUTHRIE It can be loud in here, but only when it's rammed.

TEDDY(shocked for some strange reason.) They've got bands in here?

GUTHRIE All sorts - some are top notch - I'm shocked they don't get signed; but it's all do or die these days. And I suppose everything that's new now needs to have been done before, or it won't sell.

TEDDY I suppose music can be violent.

GUTHRIE What?

TEDDY It's a competitive world?

GUTHRIE Depeche Mode fan, eh? I like -

TEDDY(confused.) I'm -

GUTHRIE Don't rush to the bar, drink up - it's my round; we'll be trekking into ye olde Londrano soon - trying to embrace some hyped-up pricey club. Got kicked out of one as soon as I paid to get in last time! Funny that! (Briefly trying to speak like Ray Winstone.) But it shawwdun't stop yer gettin' on it - should it? (TEDDY shrugs, smelling his drink. GUTHRIE stares at TEDDY and yawns in his face, breathing stale breath over him; TEDDY grimaces, and resumes sniffing his drink.) We'll meet up with Sadler later. He's been in the bog for a while now - I bet he's passed out again.

TEDDY I don't like London - it's a bit big. I went out at night there once. I saw a band. It was a bit loud.

GUTHRIE(laughing, sarcastically to TEDDY, who thinks he's being serious.) No - really?

TEDDY(grimaces.) They were a bit.

GUTHRIE What?

TEDDY Well, I better -

GUTHRIE Finish up ye olde drinkey-pooey, eh?

TEDDY I suppose it's only an -

DIRKSON suddenly enters, wearing a strange fusion of denim and leather and has a DA quiff that ends in a dreadlock.

DIRKSON Hello boys - you do my Occult Sexualities module, right? Good to see familiar faces!

GUTHRIE(rolls his eyes at TEDDY, shaking his head as DIRKSON joins them.) Hello, there. You a student or lecturer again?

DIRKSON Yoyoyowhoa! Karma-chill the quizzing, dudeybro-e-boi! Mate, it's all Mega Mountain for me right now. I'm doing a bit of lecturing - they made me a research fellow, as I've just finished my -

TEDDY(suddenly thinks he recognises DIRKSON.) Oh, hello - don't I know you?

DIRKSON(unsure.) Umm, maybe.

TEDDY Oh right.

DIRKSON Where's Sadler then Guthrie?

GUTHRIE I suppose you're getting the drinks in?

DIRKSON Yes, why not! Spandau muso! (Grabs TEDDY'S drink and guzzles some, then takes a tray of fresh pints, way too many, and dishes them to GUTHRIE and TEDDY. TEDDY looks ill at the sight of all the pints.) I dig tha rudeboygroovio stuff, diggywigdidge?

GUTHRIE Huh?

DIRKSON Don't worry, boys - I know you've missed the seminar!

TEDDY In Jay-Four?

DIRKSON Where?

GUTHRIE What seminar?

DIRKSON As I'm a politico - a real revo-evo-devo-lutionary, mudduh-fool-fuckeeio-daddy-O! I dig you'll find it a stress-test, digger-roo? But chill bro-blunt-blud-men - I'll throw it all on the online -

GUTHRIE Careful, mate you'll do yourself out of a job embracing all the geeky techno-shit. We'll just need to go online and -

DIRKSON(laughs.) It won't happen - nice try though! But I marked you in, anyway. Sadler score then?

GUTHRIE He in the footie team, too? Shit...He's one dark horse - he makes out he's well thick and does fuck all.He was just in the bog a minute ago!

DIRKSON What's he got then?

GUTHRIE Probably the shits again.

DIRKSON has taken out some note paper and is reading through it, trying to study it

TEDDY(takes out a pack of cheap crisps.) They only had vending machines - the canteen's not open long here.

DIRKSON(ignores TEDDY; to GUTHRIE.) So it's methadone? Do I have to try to figure it out in shitty Street-language?

GUTHRIE I'm not sure how often he shits on the streets, but he can't help it sometimes - it's just one of those things.(Pointing at the cheap crisps TEDDY'S just opened, looking repulsed.) They're toxic, trust! I've lived off them for a month when my loan cheque didn't clear in time! Sadler might be doing the chunder deep-throat routine in there - he likes the canteen, and it's a right toxic-shock. I had some healthy herbalised ocean paste sandwich cack there once, and I might as well have got Delhi-belly - I couldn't stop -

TEDDY(disgusted, staring at a crisp.) How do people live on this campus?

GUTHRIE They get on it, mate.

TEDDY(offering his crisps, both GUTHRIE and DIRKSON do not notice TEDDY'S offering them.) How do you know... (Forgets DIRKSON'S name or doesn't know it, but DIRKSON'S wiping sweat off his face, staring at his hands.) Erm, -

GUTHRIE Oh, him! I'm not sure actually! That makes me think the worse now! (Chuckling, does a cock-suck motion with his mouth, but TEDDY barely smiles; rips a page out from the front of the book, screws it up and throws the screwed-up page at DIRKSON to get his attention) Oi, how do you know me?

DIRKSON(laughs, eating his note paper, chomping it and throwing the soggy balls, most hit TEDDY'S back. TEDDY stares up at the ceiling, struggling to feel what hit his back.) They're all right - you're a right laugh, buddio-bro! (Suddenly serious.) Did you do the reading for week five?

GUTHRIE(lying, smiling.) Of course I did!

DIRKSON Good - I'll expect your five-percent presentation to be an eye-opener!

GUTHRIE Five-percent? That much, eh?

DIRKSON(suddenly looking at the ground for something.) You get attendance mark, too!

GUTHRIE(tries to blag it.) It was very interesting to read, errr, yes....What is this for again?

DIRKSON Always got an answer, eh groove-bud?(To TEDDY, hugging GUTHRIE; GUTHRIE looks shocked.) I have to tell this guy to shut up and let someone else chat when we have seminars! He'll -

TEDDY Is Jay-Four on this campus?

DIRKSON(shrugs, trying to swat an imaginary fly.) Stay for one more? That bus is non-existent!

GUTHRIE I'll need to cash my cheque -

DIRKSON You'll be able to pay by card soon.

GUTHRIE Sorry?

DIRKSON I heard the bar debt is getting out of control round here.

GUTHRIE I don't know - I've never paid mine off!

DIRKSON(punching the air like a dated, stereotypical, Class Warrior. GUTHRIE stares at DIRKSON looking worried as he makes TEDDY jump.) That's the spirit! REVOLT-REEEEEEEVOLT!

GUTHRIE It's the only way. Rufus and Stan had to drop-out after they ran up a -

DIRKSON I don't remem- (Screams as he goes to hit what he thinks is a bug on the table.) I think I squashed it. One big bug that. Bloody place is falling apart!

GUTHRIE I had a lecture in a portacabin once. It was a bit odd - very cold, though.

DIRKSON It's to put you off - see if you'll stick it out. If I didn't have a future here I'd completely drop out of the system and be an anarchist rebel.

TEDDY Is that to do with Theology?

GUTHRIE(DIRKSON ignores TEDDY; GUTHRIE and keeps looking under his chair.) They do courses on The Cosby Show? That's seems very specialised. Sounds intense...Wasn't Theo the son? I'm still hazy on it, even though I've been watching it online for nearly two years! It's funny as I got it wrong on the bar quiz the other day! Drinking that forfeit cocktail balls'd my quiz-mastery, too! But I have to admit, that's really specialised for a course - I mean you wouldn't think it'd be worth while in any society, but I'm -

DIRKSON Where's the peeps?

GUTHRIE(shrugging, illegally lighting an old smoke but no-one protests or stops him.) I haven't a clue!

DIRKSON(boasting.) I almost got a blowjob off a fresher at the faculty cheese and wine schmooze-fest! She was a hottie, I was almost -

GUTHRIE(figuring out DIRKSON'S ruse; smirks.) Almost!?

DIRKSON(thinking of a good lie.) Well -

TEDDY It's a strange cocktail - it's very tasty! I had a blowjob on holiday once - then a screaming orgasm with-

GUTHRIE Great - you film it?

TEDDY My family-friend told me to down it.

GUTHRIE That's too much info, mate.

DIRKSON(aggressively to TEDDY, checking him out; TEDDY looks like he's going to cry.) Yoo-da campus stud-muff-daddy-O then?

GUTHRIE(to DIRKSON, who looks baffled.) Those crisps are toxic - aren't they? I want you to add your name behind my theory - so it'll be credible, Dirky. It's true though, mate, honest.

TEDDY I'm not sure about the produce here. How can we study if they're trying to kill us?

GUTHRIE Produce you say? Mate - get real! They're made out of polystyrene! They always give shit to students, trust. I've been a student for a long time.

TEDDY You doing a Doctorate then?

GUTHRIE I should be by now, but -

TEDDY(sipping his pint.) Actually, it's a bit flat - I might get some lemonade.

DIRKSON What you need that for? So, Guthrie, there's a new Pol-Sci lecturer here now - with a firm rack, real tight - very sexaaaay, very moooollah moolai. In a mio-mao-meow-miaow-mew sort of way.

GUTHRIE(to TEDDY, who's now eating the cheap crisps, as he motions at DIRKSON) What's he chatting about?

TEDDY Who?

GUTHRIE(shocked; to TEDDY, who flinches.)DIRKSON!(To DIRKSON.)Dirky! Shut up mate, you're being a cock - you'll scare everyone away!(DIRKSON is giving GUTHRIE rapid eyes signals and nods for GUTHRIE to make the first move towards some ladies at the other end of the bar, as DIRKSON scans the bar to openly perve.) I reckon they're nurses or teachers. We know what they're like aft-

DIRKSON is giggling hysterically, as he jumps up and starts dancing, trying to give "the eye" to some random bird he's spotted across the bar.

DIRKSON(trying to compose himself, fingers his dread.) I think she wants me - oh yes! YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS! Lucky for me, I always bring lube here! OH YEEEESSSSSSSSS!(Banging the table, being ridiculously over-the-top.) YES