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.01 His Name Doesn't Matter

He was the first.

Tan skin, small eyes.

Tall and lean and I thought I was in love.

Love at first sight doesn't exist.

I learned that later.

2am Walmart walk and back to his place to watch a movie.

I fell asleep and he stayed awake touching.

I wasn't in love.

I learned not to trust.

 

 

I saw him only once more.

 

.02 Him

 

Guilt.

I was heavy with guilt but free.

He didn't have to know.

He didn't need to know.

I’m an adult now.

I can lead my life.

I'm 22.

 

Age is but a number.

 

.03 Bao part 1

 

The second showed me patience.

Large hands and a snake wrapped tightly around his arm.

His words and touch came with a contract.

A leash and a promise.

I feel safe and warm.

If only he didn't have to leave.

 

He’s too good to be true.

Don’t fall for him.

 

He doesn’t love you, just the gift of pleasure you can give and the security that you won’t leave.

 

.04 Min part 1

 

The third was kind.

Broken English and rough hands.

3 am beers and weird egg rolls from an Irish pub.

He tells me of Korea, of his time here in America .

The walk back to the shop keeps me awake, and his hands wandering at 4 to the music of piano at 4am has me coming back more and more.

 

We’re both lonely.

He isn’t happy either and he’s 31.

Stop looking for happiness in the wrong places.

I don’t learn this lesson.

 

.05 Jeremy part 1

 

The fourth doesn't promise me the world.

He comes early, leaves late.

Never stays the night but makes sure to kiss me on the doorstep once more before he disappears.

He's confusing.

But when I call him crying and not knowing what to do, he comes without a second thought.

Beer and warm touches and whispered words of encouragement because he is just a call away.

 

Happiness is a simple Corona at 1am while being held in someone's arms to forget the pain he has caused.

 

Thank you.

 

.06 Goodbye

 

He catches me.

2 am with Bao, curled up after a long night and enjoying myself.

He yells.

Screams.

Accuses.

I just want to leave.

So I do.

 

I learned packing your things in a hurry while avoiding being hit is hard.

 

I forgot my sweater.

 

Rash decisions aren’t always the best.

 

.07 Just Stop

 

No car.

No phone.

Late to work.

Everyone tells me to go apologize and make up.

I can't do that.

I can't be in prison again.

 

They don't understand.

They won't understand.

 

Not everyone will understand when you do things to protect yourself.

 

.08 Rewind

 

I remember when he first came back into my life.

A father is every kids dream of they never had one.

It was perfect.

We were best friends.

I was 18.

Now I'm 22.

I don't talk to him.

He's ruined me.

He was always proud of the fact I won’t want anyone else in my life but him.

I can't leave the house without thinking he's going to show up on my doorstep.

 

I just wish I was gone.

 

.09 Jeremy part 2

He calls me an idiot.

Says I should have left years ago when it all started happening.

He says this over a bottle of wine and fast food chicken.

I hate the distance between us in the bed but I know he's right.

He asks me if he can help and I say no.

I can do it on my own.

 

I couldn’t do it but I tried.

 

He cried for me that night.

 

I’m sorry baby.

 

.10 Min part 2

 

He steals me away.

We're both alone on Christmas.

It's been a long year, he says.

He smokes on the balcony of the hotel, looking out to the Gulf.

The bathrobe I'm wearing is too small but warm.

We talked until the sun came up and we had to leave.

I had work that day.

I learn that night that I can't hate him, even after everything I've been through.

I can't hate him, but I don't have to like him.

He reassures that's okay.

I can't thank him enough.

 

Sometimes you just need to escape.

 

.11 Jeremy part 3