Cries From the Heart by Trish Hanan (best ereader for academics TXT) 📕
Excerpt from the book:
These are poems and stories written by me when I was recovering from the horror of my childhood. Not at all light reading.
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- Author: Trish Hanan
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we were all so happy, except that we were all sad because the baby died. They named the dead baby Raymond Charles and I miss him so much even though I never met him. Maybe one day I will meet him in heaven, if God lets us. Well, I hope that this baby doesn’t die and I hope it’s a little sister ‘cause I always wanted one of those.
I’m happy because it’s Christmas and we’re going to have a new baby soon and everyone is here to celebrate and my Uncle Steve is here. He’s not really my uncle, but Aunt Virginia and Uncle, I don’t remember his name, (Steve’s Daddy and Mommy) are going to be the new baby’s godparents and pray to God that the new baby is okay and everything. Aunt Virginia has a lot of kids, Steve’s my favorite boy and Juanita, she’s nine and my favorite girl. I don’t like Vincent, he’s the oldest and really old, about nineteen or twenty or older. He scares me a little and is always looking at me funny.
Steve is nice though. I really like him a lot and he likes me. Sometimes when my Mommy and Daddy go out, Steve baby-sits us. He is really funny. He makes us peel grapes for him and then we feed them to him and we get him pillows for his head and fetch him sodas and cakes. He’s really goofy! He likes all of kids, Jimmy, La-la, Mikey and me but he likes me the most. I know because he told me so. Sometimes when I sit on his lap he calls me his girlfriend and he bites me on my nose, see right here, and I laugh. I know I’m not really his girlfriend because he’s so old, about seventeen or eighteen. My Mommy says he’s too old for me, but Steve says that he’ll wait for me to grow up and then we’ll be boyfriend and girlfriend for real. Mommy laughs when he calls me his sweetheart. Daddy does too. I think he’s really funny.
Now I am Five and a Half
Hi. My name is Patty and I’m five and a half now and we have a new baby girl. She’s so pretty and so sweet and we named her Rosie. I love her a lot and sometimes Mommy lets me rock her in the rocking chair and give her a bottle. Everyone is so happy that we have a new baby and we have a new house too. I got to watch Rosie when we were packing and didn’t have to do anything else. That was the best part.
The only thing I don’t like is when I spend the night at my Aunt Virginia’s house. I used to like it the first couple of times, but now I don’t like it anymore. She has monsters in her house and when I try to tell Mommy and Daddy about the monsters they just laugh and say that I’m being silly. I know there are monsters there because at night when it’s so dark you can’t see anything down the hallway but I can hear the monsters tip-toeing soft, soft, soft down the hallway. I always wet the bed now when I spend the night. All the other kids make fun of me and call me smelly pants, but Aunt Virginia is nice and holds me in her arms and rocks me and sings lullabies to me and makes me watery oatmeal, the kind I like the best. Mommy and Daddy got mad at me for wetting the bed and say that I’m too big, almost six years-old and too old to be acting like a baby and scared of the dark. I don’t care. I hate them all. I wish that I didn’t have to spend the night there anymore.
Daddy got really mad at me today and spanked me really hard and now I can’t spend the night at Aunt Virginia’s anymore ‘cause I set fire to the garbage in the big can outside. I really didn’t mean to set the garbage on fire, I just wanted to burn my panties ‘cause when I woke up this morning, I had peed the bed and that didn’t bother me too much ‘cause I did that before and no one spanked me. But this morning it was really strange ‘cause when I went to the bathroom, there was blood on my panties and I got really scared ‘cause I know that the monsters had gotten me and no one believed the monsters were real and I would get into a lot of trouble, so I burned my panties so no one would ever know. I know that it was real bad to set fire in the trash can and I could’ve se the house on fire and hurt everyone. But even though Daddy spanked me really hard, I didn’t tell anyone about the panties and now I can’t spend the night there. I don’t care!
Almost Six
Hi. My name is Patty and I’m almost six and really glad that we’re moving. Far, far away and I won’t have to see my Uncle Steve anymore. I hate him and I think that he’s the monster that used to live at Aunt Virginia’s house whenever I used to spend the night. He really stinks and I never want to see him again. Mommy says that I’m being silly and why do I hate my Uncle Steve. Go on, Patty, give him a hug, he doesn’t know why you don’t like him anymore and what’s wrong with you, you’re going to hurt his feelings.
I’m too afraid to tell anyone what happened, I really don’t understand and I’m so scared but I’ll tell you.
One time when my Mommy and Daddy went out, my Uncle Steve came to baby-sit us. It was so fun and we had a really great time peeling him grapes and watching TV and staying up really late. Everyone was asleep and I had just gotten up to go to the bathroom and gotten back into bed when Steve came into the room. I was really quiet ‘cause I didn’t want to get into trouble for being awake when everyone else was asleep so I pretended to be asleep. I heard Steve whisper to see if anyone was awake and when no one answered he came over to my bed. He sat down on the end of the bed and whispered, are you awake sweetheart? I didn’t answer ‘cause I wanted him to think I was sleeping and then he would go into the other room and wait for Mommy and Daddy to come home. I didn’t even feel him slipping his hands under the blanket at me until I felt his hands on my pajama bottoms. I wondered what he was doing and go away and just leave me alone, I don’t like that. But I pretended to be asleep, I don’t know why, I just didn’t want him to think I was awake.
After Steve pulled down my pajama bottoms, he pulled down my panties too. I kept my legs really tight together and we sort-of struggled for a minute all the time I was pretending to be asleep. I just couldn’t figure out what he was doing and this is really strange and leave me alone. He touched me down there down there for a little while and I felt him get off the bed and thought, thank God, this is over when I felt this wind on me and suddenly realized he was blowing on me. With his mouth and then he was kissing me and licking me and putting his fingers inside my hole where the pee-pee comes out. I tried to put my legs together but he held them apart really hard and I wanted to cry and scream but I just pretended to be asleep. When it was over, Steve pulled up my panties and pajama bottoms and went into the other room. I cried really quiet ‘cause I didn’t want to wake anyone up. Why did he do that, I don’t understand but it makes me feel bad.
Steve baby-sits every time my Mommy and Daddy go out and every time he does that kissing stuff again. I’m so afraid of the dark and I don’t like Steve anymore. I went to Mass and prayed really hard to God, but the next time it still happened so I think that God doesn’t like me anymore ‘cause he didn’t stop Steve and it happened again.
Now Daddy and Mommy are really mad at me ‘cause last night when Steve baby-sat us, I ran away from home. I really didn’t run away, I just hid in the closet of the empty house next door to us and didn’t come home until it was morning and light outside. They called the police and were so worried and shy did I do such a stupid thing and Daddy spanked me really hard when the policeman left. I had to stay in my room all day and nobody likes me anymore and I don’t care. I don’t like them anymore eight and if I had a little girl I would be a lot more nicer to her than this and wouldn’t let the monsters get her.
But we are moving now and I got to watch Rosie again and this time I blew on her belly and she laughed until her little face got so pink it was cute. Mommy and Daddy like me now and I don’t have to see Steve anymore and I’m really glad. I didn’t tell anyone what he did and I don’t think I should ‘cause I really was asleep when it happened and I think that I must have been having a bad dream. Don’t you think?
written: January, 1991
The End
Imprint
I’m happy because it’s Christmas and we’re going to have a new baby soon and everyone is here to celebrate and my Uncle Steve is here. He’s not really my uncle, but Aunt Virginia and Uncle, I don’t remember his name, (Steve’s Daddy and Mommy) are going to be the new baby’s godparents and pray to God that the new baby is okay and everything. Aunt Virginia has a lot of kids, Steve’s my favorite boy and Juanita, she’s nine and my favorite girl. I don’t like Vincent, he’s the oldest and really old, about nineteen or twenty or older. He scares me a little and is always looking at me funny.
Steve is nice though. I really like him a lot and he likes me. Sometimes when my Mommy and Daddy go out, Steve baby-sits us. He is really funny. He makes us peel grapes for him and then we feed them to him and we get him pillows for his head and fetch him sodas and cakes. He’s really goofy! He likes all of kids, Jimmy, La-la, Mikey and me but he likes me the most. I know because he told me so. Sometimes when I sit on his lap he calls me his girlfriend and he bites me on my nose, see right here, and I laugh. I know I’m not really his girlfriend because he’s so old, about seventeen or eighteen. My Mommy says he’s too old for me, but Steve says that he’ll wait for me to grow up and then we’ll be boyfriend and girlfriend for real. Mommy laughs when he calls me his sweetheart. Daddy does too. I think he’s really funny.
Now I am Five and a Half
Hi. My name is Patty and I’m five and a half now and we have a new baby girl. She’s so pretty and so sweet and we named her Rosie. I love her a lot and sometimes Mommy lets me rock her in the rocking chair and give her a bottle. Everyone is so happy that we have a new baby and we have a new house too. I got to watch Rosie when we were packing and didn’t have to do anything else. That was the best part.
The only thing I don’t like is when I spend the night at my Aunt Virginia’s house. I used to like it the first couple of times, but now I don’t like it anymore. She has monsters in her house and when I try to tell Mommy and Daddy about the monsters they just laugh and say that I’m being silly. I know there are monsters there because at night when it’s so dark you can’t see anything down the hallway but I can hear the monsters tip-toeing soft, soft, soft down the hallway. I always wet the bed now when I spend the night. All the other kids make fun of me and call me smelly pants, but Aunt Virginia is nice and holds me in her arms and rocks me and sings lullabies to me and makes me watery oatmeal, the kind I like the best. Mommy and Daddy got mad at me for wetting the bed and say that I’m too big, almost six years-old and too old to be acting like a baby and scared of the dark. I don’t care. I hate them all. I wish that I didn’t have to spend the night there anymore.
Daddy got really mad at me today and spanked me really hard and now I can’t spend the night at Aunt Virginia’s anymore ‘cause I set fire to the garbage in the big can outside. I really didn’t mean to set the garbage on fire, I just wanted to burn my panties ‘cause when I woke up this morning, I had peed the bed and that didn’t bother me too much ‘cause I did that before and no one spanked me. But this morning it was really strange ‘cause when I went to the bathroom, there was blood on my panties and I got really scared ‘cause I know that the monsters had gotten me and no one believed the monsters were real and I would get into a lot of trouble, so I burned my panties so no one would ever know. I know that it was real bad to set fire in the trash can and I could’ve se the house on fire and hurt everyone. But even though Daddy spanked me really hard, I didn’t tell anyone about the panties and now I can’t spend the night there. I don’t care!
Almost Six
Hi. My name is Patty and I’m almost six and really glad that we’re moving. Far, far away and I won’t have to see my Uncle Steve anymore. I hate him and I think that he’s the monster that used to live at Aunt Virginia’s house whenever I used to spend the night. He really stinks and I never want to see him again. Mommy says that I’m being silly and why do I hate my Uncle Steve. Go on, Patty, give him a hug, he doesn’t know why you don’t like him anymore and what’s wrong with you, you’re going to hurt his feelings.
I’m too afraid to tell anyone what happened, I really don’t understand and I’m so scared but I’ll tell you.
One time when my Mommy and Daddy went out, my Uncle Steve came to baby-sit us. It was so fun and we had a really great time peeling him grapes and watching TV and staying up really late. Everyone was asleep and I had just gotten up to go to the bathroom and gotten back into bed when Steve came into the room. I was really quiet ‘cause I didn’t want to get into trouble for being awake when everyone else was asleep so I pretended to be asleep. I heard Steve whisper to see if anyone was awake and when no one answered he came over to my bed. He sat down on the end of the bed and whispered, are you awake sweetheart? I didn’t answer ‘cause I wanted him to think I was sleeping and then he would go into the other room and wait for Mommy and Daddy to come home. I didn’t even feel him slipping his hands under the blanket at me until I felt his hands on my pajama bottoms. I wondered what he was doing and go away and just leave me alone, I don’t like that. But I pretended to be asleep, I don’t know why, I just didn’t want him to think I was awake.
After Steve pulled down my pajama bottoms, he pulled down my panties too. I kept my legs really tight together and we sort-of struggled for a minute all the time I was pretending to be asleep. I just couldn’t figure out what he was doing and this is really strange and leave me alone. He touched me down there down there for a little while and I felt him get off the bed and thought, thank God, this is over when I felt this wind on me and suddenly realized he was blowing on me. With his mouth and then he was kissing me and licking me and putting his fingers inside my hole where the pee-pee comes out. I tried to put my legs together but he held them apart really hard and I wanted to cry and scream but I just pretended to be asleep. When it was over, Steve pulled up my panties and pajama bottoms and went into the other room. I cried really quiet ‘cause I didn’t want to wake anyone up. Why did he do that, I don’t understand but it makes me feel bad.
Steve baby-sits every time my Mommy and Daddy go out and every time he does that kissing stuff again. I’m so afraid of the dark and I don’t like Steve anymore. I went to Mass and prayed really hard to God, but the next time it still happened so I think that God doesn’t like me anymore ‘cause he didn’t stop Steve and it happened again.
Now Daddy and Mommy are really mad at me ‘cause last night when Steve baby-sat us, I ran away from home. I really didn’t run away, I just hid in the closet of the empty house next door to us and didn’t come home until it was morning and light outside. They called the police and were so worried and shy did I do such a stupid thing and Daddy spanked me really hard when the policeman left. I had to stay in my room all day and nobody likes me anymore and I don’t care. I don’t like them anymore eight and if I had a little girl I would be a lot more nicer to her than this and wouldn’t let the monsters get her.
But we are moving now and I got to watch Rosie again and this time I blew on her belly and she laughed until her little face got so pink it was cute. Mommy and Daddy like me now and I don’t have to see Steve anymore and I’m really glad. I didn’t tell anyone what he did and I don’t think I should ‘cause I really was asleep when it happened and I think that I must have been having a bad dream. Don’t you think?
written: January, 1991
The End
Imprint
Publication Date: 08-30-2011
All Rights Reserved
Dedication:
To ME and all of the other women and men who have experienced the struggle of rebuilding their lives and hearts after they have been broken.
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