Cries From the Heart by Trish Hanan (best ereader for academics TXT) 📕

the blame.

That was then. That was me.

See the girl, she’s just fifteen,
Isn’t that too young for suicide?
What could make her want to die?
What bad secrets does she hide?

That was then. That was me.

All grown-up, the child’s in the past,
But the adult still feels so confused.
Inside the pain and guilt still live,
Down inside, she still feels abused.

This is now. This is me.

The future looms, not far away,
Where all the blackness turns to gray.
And I will live free, not barely survive,
And I will be happy that I’m still alive.
That will be soon.
And I will be me.

written: February, 1990


You Can Mend

What can you do with a broken heart?

You can glue it together,
Piece by piece, bit by bit.
But you’ll find that the pieces,
Somehow just don’t fit.

What can you do with a soul ripped apart?

You could sew it together,
Small even stitches, nice and neat.
But you’ll find out at the edges,
It’s still just a little bit weak.

What can you do with shattered dreams?

You could sweep them all up,
And put them away in a safe place.
But one day when you need them, you’ll find
They’ve disappeared with trace.

What can you do with a battered mind?

You could smooth it all out,
Clean and polish it with care.
But you’ll find if you look closely,
All the bruises are still there.

How can you fix your broken life?

With Love’s special glue,
Some silver and gold ‘trust’ thread.
A broom held by angels,
And God’s cleansing tears.

You can find your way out of the darkness.

Out of the confusion, the pain and the fear,
And find a life with no sorrow.
Where you can find hope, love and dreams,
Where you won’t be afraid of tomorrow.

written: February, 1990


Existence in Gray

I hurt myself again.
I don’t know, sometimes it feels,
As if the pain will never end.

I can’t decide what hurts the most.
The pain I cause or the feeling,
Of being forever lost.

Within the hollowness inside.
A little child dwells,
Never at peace and forced to hide.

That child still cries.
As empty years pass quickly,
Buried beneath the lies.

In the dark, a silent scream.
I go to sleep each night and pray to God,
“Please, let me not dream”.

I struggle through a maze.
A thin shroud of fog about me,
I can’t see clearly through its haze.

I stumble, then I fall.
And through the tears I look and see,
Before me a giant wall.

That wall I start to climb.
Then, suddenly it’s now a tree,
And I’m left alone out on a limb.

And the limb begins to break.
As I fall, I want to scream but strangely,
I have no voice, I cannot speak.

Spinning wildly to the ground.
I cry and beg for mercy,
But help cannot be found.

Without a sound my body crashes.
And I realize that truth lies somewhere,
Between, dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

It is justice that I seek.
But it’s always been so that the strong,
Cannot inherit, only the meek.

Revenge is mind, says THE MAN.
But I know that true justice can only,
Be done with these two hands.

The pain I know will never go away.
But soon the darkness will begin to fade,
And the black I fear so much will turn to gray.

To exist with control is the plan.
So that when life tries to knock me down,
I will just sway, not fall, and I will stand.

written: March, 1990


The Real Me

I stand here alone, alone you can see.
But there are two people, two people in me.

Existing together, but forever apart.
One controls my mind, the other my heart.

One of them is blind, the other’s afraid to look.
The one who won’t speak, the other’s not listening.

One of them is hiding, the other’s afraid to come out.
The one who’s always lying, the other’s afraid of the truth.

One of them dying, the other’s not living.
The one barely exists, the other barely survives.

One of them still hopes, the other just copes.
The one who can’t feel, the other’s afraid to be touched.

One of them is so mad, the other is just angry.
The one who is so sad, the other’s not happy.

One of them silently screams, the other screams without sound.
The one who feels no good, the other just feels worthless.

One still feels so confused, the other still feels the abuse.
The one who never grew up, the other was never a child.

One of them is the real me, the other’s me in reality.
They seem so alike, but then again, they’re so different.

One wants forever to hide, the other longs to be free.
When the two become one, then I will become ME.


written: March, 1990


Silent Tears

Outside the light has turned to gray,
And soon the night must fall.
In my bed, I try to sleep,
My back against the wall.

Within the safety of my room,
A monster comes to call.
In the quiet of the sleeping house,
Footsteps softly echo down the hall.

Those footsteps stop when they reach my door,
I pray to God in vain.
I know what he wants when he comes at night,
He wants to give me pain.

Without a sound the doorknob turns,
And I know I must be insane.
‘Cause in my mind comes a crashing sound,
Like the roaring of a train.

And in my bed with my eyes closed tight,
And my hands clenched tight with fear.
He mustn’t know that I’m awake,
I can sense when he moves near.

A whispered sort of scurried noise,
Like the stirrings of a rat.
I can feel his hands up my legs,
Oh no, please don’t do that.

And then he pulls apart my thighs,
And sticks his fingers in.
I don’t know why he does these things,
But I know that it’s a sin.

Then he lies on top of me,
And sucks on my little breasts.
And he’s grunting like a big fat pig,
And I wonder, “who is this beast”?

Then he takes his tongue,
And kisses me down there.
And whispers, “Isn’t this so nice”.
As if I really cared.

Then he puts my hands upon it,
It feels like a big fat worm.
And works them back and forth,
‘Till I feel liquid, sticky warm.

Then he throws the blanket over me,
Trying to hide my shame.
And he leaves my lying there,
In the silence that he came.

And I’m left crying silent tears,
Afraid, no longer safe in my own bed.
And I no longer wonder anything,
I only wish that I was dead.

So I lie here, alone and scared,
And watch the sunlight fade.
And think, maybe, if I scream loud enough,
God would take me far away.

written: April, 1990


A Cry For Pain

The pain begins
A dull throbbing ache
Deep within my heart

Slowly growing
Engulfs my body
Like a giant tidal wave

Surging
Swelling in my brain
‘till it’s about to burst

Spinning wildly
My soul cries out in need
I am dying slowly inside

Eroding
I can feel it gnawing
At my insides until

I’m gone
Eaten away at the soul
There’s no me, left in me

Steel blade
Glistens in the gray light
Outside is dark with night

Sweat breaks
Out on my brow and my mouth
So dry I can’t swallow

Eyes reflected
In the mirror are glazed
Dulled with resignation, knowledge

Touching my face
I see my hands connect with
The flesh, but feel nothing

No feelings
Are there, only pain
I know what I must do

Flesh tears
Pain echoes through
The hollowness inside

Relief slowly
Eases up my spine
It’s a message of peace

Bright red
Waterfall flows down
Like gentle summer rain

Again! Pain!

Again! Pain!

Pain until
Salty tears mingle
With the red flow

To wash
The hollow ache inside
And fill the emptiness

Then comfort
Washes over me and
I drift on a calm red sea

written: August, 1990


With Rainbow Butterflies

Through the darkness of my mind,
I grasp for sunshine
And I find…

A blood red sun burns brightly,
Against a cobalt blue of sky.
With silver puffs of gleaming clouds,
That float above the earth so high.

Below the sky, a hazy field of amber gray,
Where blazing flowers of violet grow.
With their soft petals alight with,
A shimmering shroud of snow.

A thin pink mist floats in from,
Across a crimson bay.
And those crimson waves just sparkle,
“Come dance with me” they seem to say.

And I stand alone,
In this field of amber gray.
While all about me flash,
With little wings so gay.

A thousand rainbow butterflies,
I see them, oh, so clearly.
And they come so close to me that,
I can almost touch them, nearly.

They flutter and dance around me,
With such a joyful mood.
And I am left with such a sadness,
Alone in my unwanted solitude.

From the silver clouds a shower fills,
The air with its fine gray tears.
That cleanses the dark reaches of my mind,
So full with pain and fears.

I walk down to the crimson shores,
And step across the golden sands.
And I finally feel at peace, alone,
In this, my fantasy land.

If only life could be this way,
And I could fly with butterflies.
And never have to find the answers,
To their once forgotten lies.

But, alas, here comes the darkness,
To chase away my world of hope.
And I am left alone with the reality,
To live, to me, means just to cope.


written: October, 1990


Let Me Keep You Safe

I know how hard it is to find,
Someone that you feel safe with.
So far everyone has let you down,
And you believe that trust is just a myth.

But you can let your guard down,
Don’t hide forever behind that wall.
It’s protected you well for all these years,
But now, it’s not where you belong.

You’ve walked enough in the shadows,
It’s time for you to walk in the sun.
One day someone will show you sunshine,
Please, let me be that someone.

Life has hurt you badly,
Of this, I can clearly see.
But I will never hurt you,
And I can help to set you free.

So take a little love from me,
And don’t worry, it won’t be too many.
‘Cause everyone needs someone sometimes,
It’s so hard to live without any.

I want to be that someone,
Who can teach you to love and to trust.
To show you that it can be safe,
Your heart, I would never crush.

I’d treat it oh, so gently,