Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

have the fruition of that which is so precious but at a great

cost, so neither do we perfectly prepare ourselves for it. I see

plainly that there is nothing by which so great a good can be

procured in this world. If, however, we did what we could, not

clinging to anything upon earth, but having all our thoughts and

conversation in Heaven, I believe that this blessing would

quickly be given us, provided we perfectly prepared ourselves for

it at once, as some of the saints have done. We think we are

giving all to God; but, in fact, we are offering only the revenue

or the produce, while we retain the fee-simple of the land in our

own possession.

3. We resolve to become poor, and it is a resolution of great

merit; but we very often take great care not to be in want, not

simply of what is necessary, but of what is superfluous: yea, and

to make for ourselves friends who may supply us; and in this way

we take more pains, and perhaps expose ourselves to greater

danger, in order that we may want nothing, than we did formerly,

when we had our own possessions in our own power.

4. We thought, also, that we gave up all desire of honour when we

became religious, or when we began the spiritual life, and

followed after perfection; and yet, when we are touched on the

point of honour, we do not then remember that we had given it up

to God. We would seize it again, and take it, as they say, out

of His Hands, even after we had made Him, to all appearance, the

Lord of our own will. So is it in every thing else.

5. A pleasant way this of seeking the love of God! we retain our

own affections, and yet will have that love, as they say, by

handfuls. We make no efforts to bring our desires to good

effect, or to raise them resolutely above the earth; and yet,

with all this, we must have many spiritual consolations. This is

not well, and we are seeking things that are incompatible one

with the other. So, because we do not give ourselves up wholly

and at once, this treasure is not given wholly and at once to us.

May it be the good pleasure of our Lord to give it us drop by

drop, though it may cost us all the trials in the world.

6. He showeth great mercy unto him to whom He gives the grace and

resolution to strive for this blessing with all his might; for

God withholds Himself from no one who perseveres. He will by

little and little strengthen that soul, so that it may come forth

victorious. I say resolution, because of the multitude of those

things which Satan puts before it at first, to keep it back from

beginning to travel on this road; for he knoweth what harm will

befall him thereby—he will lose not only that soul, but many

others also. If he who enters on this road does violence to

himself, with the help of God, so as to reach the summit of

perfection, such a one, I believe, will never go alone to Heaven;

he will always take many with him: God gives to him, as to a good

captain, those who shall be of his company.

7. Thus, then, the dangers and difficulties which Satan puts

before them are so many, that they have need, not of a little,

but of a very great, resolution, and great grace from God, to

save them from falling away.

8. Speaking, then, of their beginnings who are determined to

follow after this good, and to succeed in their enterprise—what

I began to say [1] of mystical theology—I believe they call it

by that name—I shall proceed with hereafter—I have to say that

the labour is greatest at first; for it is they who toil, our

Lord, indeed, giving them strength. In the other degrees of

prayer, there is more of fruition; although they who are in the

beginning, the middle, and the end, have their crosses to carry:

the crosses, however, are different. They who would follow

Christ, if they do not wish to be lost, must walk in the way He

walked Himself. Blessed labours! even here, in this life, so

superabundantly rewarded!

9. I shall have to make use of a comparison; I should like to

avoid it, because I am a woman, and write simply what I have been

commanded. But this language of spirituality is so difficult of

utterance for those who are not learned, and such am I. I have

therefore to seek for some means to make the matter plain.

It may be that the comparison will very rarely be to the

purpose—your reverence will be amused when you see my stupidity.

I think, now, I have either read or heard of this comparison; but

as my memory is bad, I know not where, nor on what occasion;

however, I am satisfied with it for my present purpose. [2]

10. A beginner must look upon himself as making a garden, wherein

our Lord may take His delight, but in a soil unfruitful, and

abounding in weeds. His Majesty roots up the weeds, and has to

plant good herbs. Let us, then, take for granted that this is

already done when a soul is determined to give itself to prayer,

and has begun the practice of it. We have, then, as good

gardeners, by the help of God, to see that the plants grow, to

water them carefully, that they may not die, but produce

blossoms, which shall send forth much fragrance, refreshing to

our Lord, so that He may come often for His pleasure into this

garden, and delight Himself in the midst of these virtues.

11. Let us now see how this garden is to be watered, that we may

understand what we have to do: how much trouble it will cost us,

whether the gain be greater than the trouble, or how long a time

it will take us. It seems to me that the garden may be watered

in four ways: by water taken out of a well, which is very

laborious; or with water raised by means of an engine and

buckets, drawn by a windlass—I have drawn it this way

sometimes—it is a less troublesome way than the first, and gives

more water; or by a stream or brook, whereby the garden is

watered in a much better way—for the soil is more thoroughly

saturated, and there is no necessity to water it so often, and

the labour of the gardener is much less; or by showers of rain,

when our Lord Himself waters it, without labour on our part—and

this way is incomparably better than all the others of which I

have spoken.

12. Now, then, for the application of these four ways of

irrigation by which the garden is to be maintained; for without

water it must fail. The comparison is to my purpose, and it

seems to me that by the help of it I shall be able to explain, in

some measure, the four degrees of prayer to which our Lord, of

His goodness, has occasionally raised my soul. May He graciously

grant that I may so speak as to be of some service to one of

those who has commanded me to write, whom our Lord has raised in

four months to a greater height than I have reached in seventeen

years! He prepared himself better than I did, and therefore is

his garden without labour on his part, irrigated by these four

waters—though the last of them is only drop by drop; but it is

growing in such a way, that soon, by the help of our Lord, he

will be swallowed up therein, and it will be a pleasure to me, if

he finds my explanation absurd, that he should laugh at it.

13. Of those who are beginners in prayer, we may say, that they

are those who draw the water up out of the well—a process which,

as I have said, is very laborious; for they must be wearied in

keeping the senses recollected, and this is a great labour,

because the senses have been hitherto accustomed to distractions.

It is necessary for beginners to accustom themselves to disregard

what they hear or see, and to put it away from them during the

time of prayer; they must be alone, and in retirement think over

their past life. Though all must do this many times, beginners

as well as those more advanced; all, however, must not do so

equally, as I shall show hereafter. [3] Beginners at first suffer

much, because they are not convinced that they are penitent for

their sins; and yet they are, because they are so sincerely

resolved on serving God. They must strive to meditate on the

life of Christ, and the understanding is wearied thereby.

Thus far we can advance of ourselves—that is, by the grace of

God—for without that, as every one knows, we never can have one

good thought.

14. This is beginning to draw water up out of the well.

God grant there may be water in it! That, however, does not

depend on us; we are drawing it, and doing what we can towards

watering the flowers. So good is God, that when, for reasons

known to His Majesty—perhaps for our greater good—it is His

will the well should be dry, He Himself preserves the flowers

without water—we, like good gardeners, doing what lies in our

power—and makes our virtues grow. By water here I mean tears,

and if there be none, then tenderness and an inward feeling

of devotion.

15. What, then, will he do here who sees that, for many days, he

is conscious only of aridity, disgust, dislike, and so great an

unwillingness to go to the well for water, that he would give it

up altogether, if he did not remember that he has to please and

serve the Lord of the garden; if he did not trust that his

service was not in vain, and did not hope for some gain by a

labour so great as that of lowering the bucket into the well so

often, and drawing it up without water in it? It will happen

that he is often unable to move his arms for that purpose, or to

have one good thought: working with the understanding is drawing

water out of the well.

16. What, then, once more, will the gardener do now? He must

rejoice and take comfort, and consider it as the greatest favour

to labour in the garden of so great an Emperor; and as he knows

that he is pleasing Him in the matter—and his purpose must not

be to please himself, but Him—let him praise Him greatly for the

trust He has in him—for He sees that, without any recompense, he

is taking so much care of that which has been confided to him;

let him help Him to carry the Cross, and let him think how He

carried it all His life long; let him not seek his kingdom here,

nor ever intermit his prayer; and so let him resolve, if this

aridity should last even his whole life long, never to let Christ

fall down beneath the Cross. [4]

17. The time will come when he shall be paid once for all.

Let him have no fear that his labour is in vain: he serves a good

Master, Whose eyes are upon him. Let him make no account of evil

thoughts,