Damaged Beyond Repair by Kashmira Kamat (KittyKash) (motivational novels txt) 📕

Rowan 

The sun shone so bright outside, it was a shame I had to remain confined within the four walls of the asylum. I took a deep breath as I turned another page of the classic 'Pride and Prejudice'. I had read the novel over a zillion times and yet here I was reading it all over again due to the limited collection of novels in the library. Next activity on my daily schedule was watching a bit of television, which also meant interacting with the other ward mates. That took up a lot of patience and energy and I being deprived of it, choose to remain aloof. As if on cue, Megan padded her way towards me with a bright smile. "Good Morning, Row."

"Morning Meg." I responded.

This doesn't have to be good.

"Dr Olesen would like to reschedule the timing for your session. If you're not busy then you may visit her right now."

"Oh, sure. At her disposal. I'll be right there in a few minutes." Meg smiled all too knowingly; she knew how great I was at intended sarcasm.

I trotted back to my ward room, pulled on a clean shirt, sprayed a bit of deodorant and made my way towards Dr Olesen's office. I knocked once and when given the permission to enter, I walked in. Dr Olesen was a very career devoted woman in her mid forties. She would normally tie her strawberry blond hair in a high pony tail which made her look ten years younger, today she had tied in a tight bun. She smiled politely at me, indicating me towards the seat. "How are you doing this morning, Rowan?" I like the Danish drone in her accent.

I settled down in the plush seat. "Was feeling better before I walked into this room. Don't misunderstand me, but it would have been nicer to see your beautiful face outside of the asylum, probably the Italian restaurant down the road. So, what do you say? Wanna go out for a quick date?"

Dr Olesen chuckled, "always the charmer, aren't you?"

She opened a yellow manila folder and began leafing through it. "I watched your little footage from a few nights ago. Anything you want to tell me about that?"

"What footage?" I tried acting dumb, although I knew what she was talking about.

"You made a call to your family that night and spoke to someone, now Meg tells me no one answered the phone therefore you made another call the next day but the second call is not what I'm concerned about. I want to know what it is that the first call trigged inside you. Why did your emotions go haywire? Now, boy, you try to deny that but I have valid proof."

I was pretty relieved Meg was in charge of the telephone. This woman had seen through the entire 'nobody answered my phone' plan which was my killer idea for making two calls in a week.

"It was Alana." I confessed since lying to this woman wouldn't work.

She nodded, "she is the woman you love, am I right? So talking to her should make you feel better. Why did you have an opposite reaction? What were you thinking at that time?"

"I...I don't know." Fuck! This day was going worse than I expected. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, then I'm afraid I might not be able to help you in anyway." Dr Olesen frowned at me. "You're wrong to assume I'm here to judge you, Rowan, because I'm only here to help. What you discuss with me is going to remain between the two of us. Don't make this difficult for yourself and me."

It was so much easier to depict the real definition. Sofia didn't take bull-shit from anybody.

"I was feeling really hollow that night and I decided to make a call. I thought listening to her voice would help but it didn't. It just made me feel worse."

"Why?" Sofia asked.

"Every time I talk to her, I'm reminded of the awful things I put her through. Alana has the ability to pull all the wrong strings inside me by saying the right things. She tried so hard to put up a brave front but I knew she was crying. I know I screwed up and she had every right to yell at me and tell me to fuck off but she didn't. On the contrary, Alana told me she loved me."

"Are you angry at yourself?" Sofia had a skill of being intimidating in a good way. Sometimes, I saw myself in her. An exact mirror version. She might be daunting but she was softer on the inside. Never did she look at me with pity or sympathy. Her perspective said I was an equal and I admired her for that.

"Disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself because I failed everyone. I failed my parents, my brother, Alana and..."

"And what, Rowan?"

"And Minnie." I said. I was once again on verge of tears. "I'm her father, but I've done nothing worthy of that title. I don't want Minnie to grow up and hate me."

Sofia listened to me attentively, like a priest listening to a confession.

"So when are you planning to get married?"

I contemplated if the question was part of the therapy interaction or was it just a question asked out of curiosity; nevertheless I ended up answering truthfully. "Not planned yet. I mean, I have given it a thought, but I'm not sure how she'd react to it and I don't want to pressurize her. Alana is in her second year of university, you know. The girl is ambitious. She is kind of like a kid."

"Well, doesn't she think it's about time to tie the knot, considering you guys have a daughter together."

Wait. What?

"Alana is not Minnie's mother." I explained and watched her expressions change to realization. I continued to tell her about the situation.

After a momentary pause she said. "Would you like to discuss it with me?"

I shook my head. I needed anti-depressants. "Maybe some other time."

"When you do have these panic attacks again, I suggest you count backward from ten. It will help you keep yourself in check and your nerves will stay calm." She continued, her eyes meeting my gaze head on, "So tell me, what are your hobbies? What's leisure for you?"