Damaged Beyond Repair by Kashmira Kamat (KittyKash) (motivational novels txt) 📕

I wiped the bead of perspiration off my forehead, sitting upright. I grabbed for the glass of water and downed it. My eyes traveled to the little clock on the table, it was a little after mid-night. I still had a call saved up for the weekend; maybe I can use that right now. I jumped off the bunk, pulled on the gray thermal shirt and made my way out the ward room.

The hallways were soundless; most of the patients were already asleep. There were some who woke up at unusual timings but they were locked in so it wasn't like they could walk around in hallways like me. I was still the mild crazy here, probably the sanest of the lot.

The woman in charge of the phone had already dozed off, I tapped my fingers on the desk but her head continued to loll towards south, "Megan."

Megan lifted her droopy eye-lashes at me, confused.

"I need to make my phone call."

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" she asked me lazily, "its past midnight, Row."

I had made it very clear that I hated that new nickname but that didn't stop her from calling me that.

"I know it is, but its evening there. It's called a time zone in case you're not aware." I winked at her trying to work my charms even though she was as good as half dead.

She left me alone with the phone, the word 'smooth talker' hanging in the air. I had planned on talking to Minnie when I had left the room but I had a very strong desire to speak with Alana too. I wanted to hear her sweet angelic voice. I could only make one call a week, which obviously minimized my choices and forced me to prioritize each time.

  There was a reason why I avoided calling Alana, it was mostly because I knew she'd ask me to come back or she would probably say she wanted to come and see me in Denmark which wasn't a problem. The main problem was that I would issue her the plane ticket myself. I had left Carmel to become that someone she deserved, and if I were to talk to her and listen to her plead, it wouldn't take me a second to hop on the plane again and screw my plans for therapy.

There was room only for one call; I decided to do some cheating. I could call Minnie and Alana at the same time if my plan worked. I dialed Alana's number before I had any more time to blow it off and become a complete pussy. It was a Monday evening there; Carmel was a few hours lagging back. Chances were that she was in her dorms. All the more better for me to make a call. I'd decided I would hear her voice and hang up.

My fingers hovered over the device as I pondered over the best solution to my problem. Ready to press the disconnect button.

Screw this shit!

It rang a few times. A part of me wanted it to hit the voice mail but this other side of me was desperate to hear Alana's voice. The phone beeped as I heard her answer the call on the other end, "Hello."

I swallowed hard.

"Hello." She repeated, "Who is this?"

I was unable to utter a sound and ready to lower the receiver to hang up when she continued, "Rowan, is that you?"

I inhaled as my hands shook with nervousness.

I heard her choke a sob, "Rowan, talk to me."

I didn't. I didn't have the courage to say anything. What was I supposed to say? That I'm sorry for being such a total fuck up and ruining your life?

"I miss you so much baby, every single second feels like an eternity." She sniffled, causing my heart to ache, "I just want you to know that I'm not mad at you. You did the right thing and I will always be here waiting for you no matter how long it takes. It's a promise."

I listened to her sobs, "I don't want to sound selfish but I wish I was there with you. I love you. You know that right? None of this is your mistake. You make me go through hell sometimes babe, but my life is not worth living without you."

There was a sudden ache somewhere deep in my throat like she had sucked all the air out of the lungs. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the dampness of the tears graze my cheeks.

"Please take care of yourself. Eat your meals properly and call me back again. I don't care if you choose to remain mute but just ring me when you can."

The clock told me my time was up but I just didn't have the strength to put down the receiver, "Rowan, are you still there?"

"I...I need to go." I said.

"I love you." She said again as I pushed the call end button. Her voice was supposed to make me feel better and it did soothe me in some way but her words caused me great pain. Why does she love me so much? Why? I thought she'd tell me she didn't want to do anything with me, or worse, that she wanted me to get the fuck out of her life but all she did was remind me about how much she still loved me. Over the course of three months that I'd known her, being with me had only proved as a nasty test for her. I kept pushing and pushing until it reached a limit.

"Rowan." Megan called out to me. "Did you make your call?"

I shook my head. "Nobody answered the phone."

"You don't have to cry for that Row." There it was, the pity in her voice for the crazy man crying over a phone call. "You can come tomorrow evening and make your call again."

"I'm not crying, something just flew in my eye."

Meg probably saw right through my lies, she had been dealing with my kind for more than a decade.

Wiping the tears with the back of my shirt, I asked. "Can I get a sleeping pill?"

She seemed distressed by my sudden demand. "I will suggest you to sleep without taking it."

"Please, Meg." I begged. "Just this once."

Meg sighed. "I'll just let you take it this once. You're not supposed to make a habit of it. You understand that, right boy?"

"I do."

"Just this once." She warned and disappeared down the hall, appearing later with a pill and a glass of water. I popped it in and took a gulp. "Thanks."