Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi (read me like a book .TXT) 📕

whole story. Everyone else will have the reaction story. You’ll be the one who gets to tell the world how it happened and what it all means.”

“Jesus,” Van Doren said, after a minute. “You don’t screw around, do you?”

“Not when it’s business, Jim.”

“What’s the catch?”

“The catch is this: Drop your stories on me and Michelle. Quit The Biz. And keep your silence until we’re ready to make our debut.”

“When is that going to be?”

“I don’t know yet,” I said. “We’re still working it out. It could be tomorrow, or it could be years. But whatever it is, not a peep out of you until then. Not even a hint of a peep.”

“What happens if I refuse?” Van Doren asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “Except that you won’t be able to get off this ship while we’re off doing what we’re doing. In fact, you’ll be sent back as soon as we get there.”

“Without your car,” Joshua said. “Have fun hiking back to the 15.”

“What’s to stop me from filing a story when I get back?” Van Doren said.

“Nothing at all,” I said. “You can tell anyone you like. In fact, I encourage you to, since there’s probably not a quicker and easier way for your credibility to get squashed than for you to run around, saying that Michelle Beck is an alien.”

“So she is an alien,” Van Doren said.

“Jim,” I said. “Stay focused, here.”

“I am focused,” he said. “I’m just trying to make sure I have the story right.”

“Then you’re in?”

“Are you kidding?” Van Doren said. “You’re offering me the biggest story ever in the universe, and you’re asking me if I want it? Are you that dumb?”

“It’s not actually the biggest story ever in the universe,” Joshua said. “Just in this little corner of it.”

“Close enough for me,” Van Doren said, and turned back to me. “You’ve got a deal, Tom.”

We shook on it. Chalk one up for our side.

“You all right with this, Joshua?” I asked.

“Well, the only thing I’ve seen of his is that piece he wrote about you,” Joshua said. “It was kind of lousy.”

“I can do better,” Van Doren said.

“Lord, I hope so,” Joshua said.

“I don’t suppose you could tell me now how much this gig pays,” Van Doren said, to me.

“Don’t worry about it,” Miranda said. “Tom’s easy to score a raise off of.”

*****

One of the Yherajk meeting us in the hangar pointed at Van Doren as the cube melted away. “Who is that?” it asked.

Van Doren pointed back. “What is that?”

“That’s what my people normally look like,” Joshua said.

“Yeeeg,” Van Doren said. “I like the dog suit better.”

“This is Jim Van Doren,” Joshua said. “He was a stowaway.”

“A stowaway? Arrrgh,” The Yherajk said. “Ye’ll be walking the plank come morning, laddie. Arrrgh.”

“This is really not what I expected out of an alien race,” Van Doren said to me.

“You get used to it,” I said.

The Yherajk slimed his way over to me and extended a tentacle. “You must be Tom. I am Gwedif.”

I took the tentacle. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Gwedif. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m sorry we have to meet in these extreme circumstances.”

“Extreme? You have no idea,” Gwedif said. “No one around here has been able to talk about anything else. The air stinks of shouting. That reminds me.” A smell like a wet, mildewed rug erupted from Gwedif; one of the other Yherajk immediately set off towards the door. “Now that we have an extra human, we need another set of nose plugs.”

Gwedif moved the tendril to Miranda. “This is Miranda, I assume,” he said.

“Hi,” Miranda said. She didn’t make an attempt to shake the proffered tendril. “You’ll have to excuse me,” she said. “This is the first time I’ve seen one of you in your natural state.”

“Of course,” Gwedif said. “I look pretty ooky. But I’m a really nice guy once you get to know me.”

“I’m sure you are,” Miranda said.

Gwedif next considered Van Doren. “How did you happen?” he said.

“I’m a journalist,” Van Doren said. “I was following a story.”

“I’d say you caught it,” Gwedif remarked. “What do you think of us aliens so far?”

“You remind me of the headcheese at a smorgasbord,” Van Doren said.

“Is he always like this?” Gwedif said to Joshua.

“We don’t know. He was sort of a last minute addition,” Joshua said.

“Usually he’s worse,” I said.

“Hmmmmm,” Gwedif said. “You know, headcheese man, you and I are sort of in the same line of work.”

“Nuts,” Van Doren said, smiling. “And they promised me I’d have an exclusive on the story.”

“I’m sure we can collaborate,” Gwedif said.

The noseplug Yherajk had returned with three pairs of noseplugs. We each fitted them in. Then he joined the other Yherajk at the ambulance and lowered Michelle’s stretcher onto the floor. I went over to her stretcher and checked the battery on the portable respirator. It was three-quarters drained.

“We’d better get moving on this thing,” I said.

“What are we doing now, anyway?” Van Doren wanted to know.

“Nobody tell him anything yet,” I said. I looked at Van Doren. “Sorry, Jim. Hold your horses a couple more minutes.” I looked over to Gwedif. “Jim doesn’t know exactly why we’re here. I think that’s something that could be useful for what we need to do.”

“Yes, you’re right.” Gwedif said. “How about that, headcheese man. You might come in useful after all. We won’t install the plank until tomorrow.”

“How long are you going to call me ‘headcheese man’?” Van Doren said.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Gwedif said. “It just has such a nice ring to it. Now, follow me, please, all of you. We’re going to the meeting chamber.”

The corridors were as low as Carl promised. Van Doren, the tallest of us, suffered the greatest from the low ceilings and lower gravity, bumping his head and cursing. Here and there Yherajk crossed our path, but mostly stayed out of our way as we headed towards the meeting chamber.

Gwedif pulled up to me as we walked. “I wish we had more time,” he said. “This happened with Carl, too. Barely time for introductions, and then off to decide the fate of our peoples. If nothing else, we’ve learned that you humans thrive on crisis.”

“Anything worth doing is worth doing at a fevered pitch,” I said.

“I don’t know about that,” Gwedif said. “I think the first place I’ll go when I visit your planet — really visit your planet, I mean, not that little trip I took earlier — I think I’ll go visit a monastery. Those people seem to have the right idea. Slow, meditative spiritual contemplation.”

“I think most of the monasteries these days are either making chant CDs or boutique wines,” I said.

“Really?” Gwedif said. “Well, hell. What is it with you people, anyway?”

Before I could answer, we got to the meeting chamber. Gwedif touched the door, and we went inside.

Inside, a double-tiered low riser had been constructed, on which lay several Yherajk. I suspected the tier was for our benefit, not the Yherajk’s, so that we could see who we were speaking to. The Yherajk who brought Michelle’s stretcher in set the wheel locks and left. I went and stood next to Michelle. Miranda joined me; Joshua walked over to one side and sat, his eyes closed. Van Doren stood between Joshua and the stretcher, looking lost.

“Will you be speaking for your group?” Gwedif asked me.

“I will,” I said.

“Very well. Today’s meeting is a little smaller than the one Carl endured, for which your nostrils will no doubt be thankful for,” Gwedif said to us all. “Rather than a shipwide meeting, we have convened the ship’s senior officers. Tom, you may be familiar with our ientcio —” The Yherajk on the far left raised a tendril — “who, of all Yherajk, is our leader.”

“I have indeed heard him spoken of, in the highest terms,” I said. “I hope he is well at this moment in the journey.”

“Oooh, nice,” Gwedif said. “You must have paid attention to whatever Carl told you. The ientcio returns your respects and welcomes you to the ship.” Gwedif then introduced the rest of the officer complement, about twenty in all. I didn’t bother trying to remember them all; I concentrated on Gwedif and the ientcio.

“Joshua has already given us his version of your request, and his issues with it.” Gwedif said.

“When did he do that?” I said.

“Just now,” Joshua said, and turned to me. “I used High Speech, Tom. One nicely pungent fart gets it all across.”

“I’m glad my noseplugs were in,” I said.

“You don’t know how true that is,” Joshua said.

“Now that Joshua has given his report, the ientcio would like to hear your request from you, and hopes you will be willing to answer some questions as well,” Gwedif said.

“Of course.” I said.

“Please begin whenever you are ready.”

“All right,” I said. I closed my eyes, said a little prayer to whomever might be listening, and opened my eyes. Then I began.

*****

“The human you see in this stretcher is named Michelle Beck,” I said, motioning to Michelle. “I was her agent, and also her friend. We were probably each other’s best friends, though I don’t think either of us realized it. As her agent, I helped to make her one of the most well-known actresses in Hollywood — people everywhere recognize her face.

“A few days ago, Michelle suffered severe and irreversible brain damage due to lack of oxygen to her brain. My friend is now for all purposes dead. Her body is being kept alive through the use of this respirator, but it will not sustain her body for much longer. Soon her body will be as dead as her mind already is.

“I mourn the passing of my friend, more than I can express. As I said, I don’t think I appreciated what she meant to me when she was alive. Michelle was a good person — good in heart and in intention, which I think counts for something. I could be wrong. But I think it does.

“As much as I mourn Michelle, I see an opportunity in her passing, and opportunity that I think gives her death, which was as banal and meaningless as any death could be, some resonance. I have been asked by Carl Lupo to find a way to introduce the Yherajk to humanity, so that humanity can accept you as the friendly race you are, rather than for the terrifying creatures you appear to be.

“It occurs to me that one way to this — perhaps the best way — is to have Joshua inhabit Michelle’s body. To be Michelle. Michelle is already known around the world. That much of the battle is already fought. What we can do now is to raise Michelle’s profile even further, and give her a worldwide platform to be the spokesperson for the Yherajk. She can be the most effective bridge between our two peoples — someone that humans know and who is not only non-threatening, but the focus of admiration. She can be the human face of an inhuman race — the Trojan horse, if you will, that gets the Yherajk through the gate of humanity’s fears.

“Joshua has several issues with inhabiting the body. The most objectionable of these has to do with her manner of death — not the actual moment itself, but the events leading up to it. Before any other issues can be raised, this one must be dealt with. We have to have a clear accounting of her death. That being the case, I’m asking