Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (100 best novels of all time txt) đź“•
Excerpt from the book:
- Stories from women who survived difficult marriages.
- A guidebook to help women during the end of their marriage.
- Tools for helping a woman who is the victim of domestic violence.
- A guidebook to help women during the end of their marriage.
- Tools for helping a woman who is the victim of domestic violence.
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- Author: A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends
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women stall and make excuses for not taking steps toward divorce. They prolong their own agony…
“I made a mistake. I remarried too quickly after my first marriage ended abruptly. (Husband #1 chose his girlfriend over my son and I rebounded.) We had been married less than 6 months when I knew I needed out of marriage #2. I had my Action Plan cocked and loaded. I was planning to leave my husband after the holidays. No need to ruin everyone’s Christmas, right? January finally came into view and I was ready to move out, start over again, to finally begin the next chapter of my life, when Husband #2 came home with the news that he had been laid off. OMG! No! I dropped to the floor and sobbed. He thought I was crying for his job loss! I couldn’t kick him when he was down despite how much I wanted out. I convinced myself to ride this out for a month or so until he found a new job. Twelve months later…still no job. I was insane! I lived on my therapist’s couch as I tried to cope with whether to stay or go. Finally, after thirteen months, he landed a job. I told him I was leaving one week later. I have never been so relieved in my life to walk into my own house! I dropped to my knees and kissed the dirt floor! I had put my life on hold for far too long. I stalled my Action Plan for more over eighteen months to protect the feelings of someone I didn’t love. (And no, spousal support was not the issue.) Why are women hardwired to self sacrifice like that?” – Chelsea, 42
“Don’t expect it to be easy – it’s not. Expect the worst, pray for the best, make your plan, put your head down and go until you reach the end. Someone once told me “Going through a divorce is like being in a car wreck every day for two years.” That’s pretty accurate, but I think they neglected to include that you may be wearing an emotional neck brace for another two! Time takes time.” – Margaret, 43
"I knew something was not quite right with our relationship. Everything seemed okay but I suspected he was cheating on me. I asked him and he said I was nuts. My gut said differently. So I bought a small digital tape recorder ($30) and planted it in his car. I knew his daily work schedule. I would drive past his office just before lunchtime unlock his car, turn the recorder on and drop it under the front seat. It would record all day and I would recover it in the evening after he came home. I would download the recording to my laptop; then repeat the process the following day. It took less than a week to capture enough evidence against my "faithful" husband – talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend, making plans to meet her, even having sex with her in the car on his lunch hour. I took the recordings to my attorney and shortly served my darling with divorce papers...and a copy of his recordings on CD!" – Kathy, 36
“You can’t reason with an idiot and you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself, so don’t try. If you know it's not right and you've tried all you can, just end it and move on.” – Ella, 52
Let’s take a quick visualization time out. Let’s jump ahead for a second and actually sit back, take a breath and visualize the day that it actually happens. Imagine that you’ve told him, you were prepared, the attorneys sorted it out, the divorce papers were served, they were signed and you are driving away from the courthouse. It is over and you made it. As you are in the middle of stressing over your Action Plan, picture the day that it is over. What do you have for breakfast? What are you wearing? What do you do that night and then imagine that you have so many great things waiting for you!
Chapter 4 Checklist: Now What? – The Tactical Top 10
___ It’s a lot to think about, huh? Check here to show YOU are ready to plan your divorce.
___ Put an “X” here when you have completed your Tactical Top 10 tasks:
___ 1) Consulted an attorney
___ 2) Established a separate bank account and credit card
___ 3) Have a secure mail box
___ 4) Made copies of financial records
___ 5) Obtained a no-contract cell phone
___ 6) Rented a storage space
___ 7) Created an exit plan
____ Check here if you have read this chapter and are relieved to discover that most of these steps may not be necessary because you have an amicable husband. (We are thrilled for you! Whew! Now use this knowledge you have gained to help another girlfriend in the future.)
___ Make a note of which Tactical Ten is most important to you: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 5
It’s Really No One’s Business…But What Will Everyone Think?
“I told him I want a divorce.” When that sentence comes out of your mouth you can expect a circus of reactions from family, friends, and coworkers. Brace yourself for countless questions and an assault of comments like:
“WHAT? You and Hubby are the PERFECT couple!”
“Oh no! You are going to ruin those kids’ lives!”
“How can you do this to our Supper Club? You are supposed to host next month.”
“You’ll never find a better man. All the ones left out there are damaged and crazy.”
“I hate my husband too, but you don’t see me getting a divorce.”
“I hate it for you. This had better not affect your sales quota this quarter.”
“Your mother and I expected more from you. Marriage is forever.”
“Good for you, girl! Glad you finally grew a pair.”
“We never knew what you saw in him anyway.”
“How could you take him always criticizing you?”
“OMG! Aren’t you afraid you won’t be able to make it on your own?”
As if you don’t have enough to deal with, suddenly you will be running the gauntlet of family, friends, and frenemies who feel compelled to offer their advice, opinions and words of “wisdom”, whether you ask for it or not. If you have ever been pregnant you will remember how everyone (even strangers) would impose their blissful prenatal tales or gestational war stories on you. It’s just like that. Sometimes your “We’re getting divorced” announcement will be met with eye rolling, heavy sighs, disapproving grimaces and that irritating “no-no” head shaking. Ugh! We truly despise that last one!
“People will always surprise you–with their generosity
or their nastiness.” –Alexandra Penney
“There are two sides to every story.’ True enough, but it is such a pisser when you expect your friends and family to be comforting and supportive and instead they morph into Judge Judy.” – Liza, 47
“Sometimes married or single friends who haven’t been through the same thing can be hard because they just don’t know what to say.” – Emily, 23
“I was married and divorced by the time I was 26 years old. Reactions were: “Oh my God! You were married!” and “Aren’t you too young to be getting a divorce?!” Most of my friends who were divorcees or were in the trenches of divorce were much older than me. It made me feel horrible for a while, but my personality leads me to basically not care what others think. I know I made the right decision and my true friends back me up on that.” – Hayley, 27
“My parents were supportive to a certain degree. They wanted us out of the "mess", however, they insisted that we move to their city so they could help us more. That sounds great and all, however, we already had a home in a great city and there would have been strings attached I'm sure. Since the divorce, they have been less supportive than I ever would have imagined.” – Katlin, 32
“My in-laws didn't say much about the divorce, except they were sorry that I had gotten mixed up with their son and that he had treated me so badly. Now I have a great relationship with my former in-laws.” – Bonnie, 25
Deal with it. Divorce does not exist in a vacuum. Everyone you know, who knows you both will be affected by your divorce in some way. You can bank on shifts in your relationships coming at the most expected times as people try to butt in or take sides.
“Many people are concerned. Many are saddened. Some are just plain rude.” – Julia, 37
“We separated/divorced 3 years ago. It has been so interesting to see who ended up supporting me in the end. I lost some friends. I lost my in-laws and some sibling in-laws. As time has passed there are those who have asked to be allowed back into my life now that they understand the evil regime I had been living under. Now they see the truth.” – Kate, 38
“Superglue your mouth shut. As much as you want to vent to his family and try to make them understand your side – DON’T. If they care about you, they will show it. More often than not, they are going to give him their unconditional love regardless of how wonderful a daughter in-law you have been.” – Molly, 61
When you break the news, remember these three golden rules:
1. Save the drama for your momma.
Be brief. Avoid embellishments. Unless the person you are telling is a true friend spare the juicy details. Be extra selective about what you share with co-workers and your boss. You do not need them to be more critical of your work performance and blame it on your “divorce breakdown”. It happens a lot!
2. Keep the details on the down-low.
The fewer people that know your business, the less ammo they have with which to judge you. The spectators don’t need to know who your attorney is. They don’t need to know how you want to split the assets or that your son is struggling a bit in school because he is upset about the split. Find your one or two BFFs and keep everything else top secret.
“I made the mistake of sharing too much of my personal separation info with co-workers and soon discovered that they were more than happy to jam that knife in my back and narc to my boss that I was too stressed to perform my job. Then this person just slithered right into my position before I knew what hit me!” – Leah, 32
“I told my neighbors and brother and sister-in-law everything. I don’t know why I did that but I was so overwhelmed that was not thinking clearly. Well, they were all too happy to share millions of pieces of advice concerning what I should or should not do. They told me how to handle just about everything. I was so confused that I was exhausted every time they talked to me.” – Megan, 27
3. Project a positive attitude.
Everyone will expect you to be wallowing in a pity puddle. DON’T! Positive energy breeds positive results! No one has to know that you are freaking out in the inside. Only your closest confidantes need to know your inner most fears, because they will be the ones to help you through it. They won’t be the ones
“I made a mistake. I remarried too quickly after my first marriage ended abruptly. (Husband #1 chose his girlfriend over my son and I rebounded.) We had been married less than 6 months when I knew I needed out of marriage #2. I had my Action Plan cocked and loaded. I was planning to leave my husband after the holidays. No need to ruin everyone’s Christmas, right? January finally came into view and I was ready to move out, start over again, to finally begin the next chapter of my life, when Husband #2 came home with the news that he had been laid off. OMG! No! I dropped to the floor and sobbed. He thought I was crying for his job loss! I couldn’t kick him when he was down despite how much I wanted out. I convinced myself to ride this out for a month or so until he found a new job. Twelve months later…still no job. I was insane! I lived on my therapist’s couch as I tried to cope with whether to stay or go. Finally, after thirteen months, he landed a job. I told him I was leaving one week later. I have never been so relieved in my life to walk into my own house! I dropped to my knees and kissed the dirt floor! I had put my life on hold for far too long. I stalled my Action Plan for more over eighteen months to protect the feelings of someone I didn’t love. (And no, spousal support was not the issue.) Why are women hardwired to self sacrifice like that?” – Chelsea, 42
“Don’t expect it to be easy – it’s not. Expect the worst, pray for the best, make your plan, put your head down and go until you reach the end. Someone once told me “Going through a divorce is like being in a car wreck every day for two years.” That’s pretty accurate, but I think they neglected to include that you may be wearing an emotional neck brace for another two! Time takes time.” – Margaret, 43
"I knew something was not quite right with our relationship. Everything seemed okay but I suspected he was cheating on me. I asked him and he said I was nuts. My gut said differently. So I bought a small digital tape recorder ($30) and planted it in his car. I knew his daily work schedule. I would drive past his office just before lunchtime unlock his car, turn the recorder on and drop it under the front seat. It would record all day and I would recover it in the evening after he came home. I would download the recording to my laptop; then repeat the process the following day. It took less than a week to capture enough evidence against my "faithful" husband – talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend, making plans to meet her, even having sex with her in the car on his lunch hour. I took the recordings to my attorney and shortly served my darling with divorce papers...and a copy of his recordings on CD!" – Kathy, 36
“You can’t reason with an idiot and you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself, so don’t try. If you know it's not right and you've tried all you can, just end it and move on.” – Ella, 52
Let’s take a quick visualization time out. Let’s jump ahead for a second and actually sit back, take a breath and visualize the day that it actually happens. Imagine that you’ve told him, you were prepared, the attorneys sorted it out, the divorce papers were served, they were signed and you are driving away from the courthouse. It is over and you made it. As you are in the middle of stressing over your Action Plan, picture the day that it is over. What do you have for breakfast? What are you wearing? What do you do that night and then imagine that you have so many great things waiting for you!
Chapter 4 Checklist: Now What? – The Tactical Top 10
___ It’s a lot to think about, huh? Check here to show YOU are ready to plan your divorce.
___ Put an “X” here when you have completed your Tactical Top 10 tasks:
___ 1) Consulted an attorney
___ 2) Established a separate bank account and credit card
___ 3) Have a secure mail box
___ 4) Made copies of financial records
___ 5) Obtained a no-contract cell phone
___ 6) Rented a storage space
___ 7) Created an exit plan
____ Check here if you have read this chapter and are relieved to discover that most of these steps may not be necessary because you have an amicable husband. (We are thrilled for you! Whew! Now use this knowledge you have gained to help another girlfriend in the future.)
___ Make a note of which Tactical Ten is most important to you: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 5
It’s Really No One’s Business…But What Will Everyone Think?
“I told him I want a divorce.” When that sentence comes out of your mouth you can expect a circus of reactions from family, friends, and coworkers. Brace yourself for countless questions and an assault of comments like:
“WHAT? You and Hubby are the PERFECT couple!”
“Oh no! You are going to ruin those kids’ lives!”
“How can you do this to our Supper Club? You are supposed to host next month.”
“You’ll never find a better man. All the ones left out there are damaged and crazy.”
“I hate my husband too, but you don’t see me getting a divorce.”
“I hate it for you. This had better not affect your sales quota this quarter.”
“Your mother and I expected more from you. Marriage is forever.”
“Good for you, girl! Glad you finally grew a pair.”
“We never knew what you saw in him anyway.”
“How could you take him always criticizing you?”
“OMG! Aren’t you afraid you won’t be able to make it on your own?”
As if you don’t have enough to deal with, suddenly you will be running the gauntlet of family, friends, and frenemies who feel compelled to offer their advice, opinions and words of “wisdom”, whether you ask for it or not. If you have ever been pregnant you will remember how everyone (even strangers) would impose their blissful prenatal tales or gestational war stories on you. It’s just like that. Sometimes your “We’re getting divorced” announcement will be met with eye rolling, heavy sighs, disapproving grimaces and that irritating “no-no” head shaking. Ugh! We truly despise that last one!
“People will always surprise you–with their generosity
or their nastiness.” –Alexandra Penney
“There are two sides to every story.’ True enough, but it is such a pisser when you expect your friends and family to be comforting and supportive and instead they morph into Judge Judy.” – Liza, 47
“Sometimes married or single friends who haven’t been through the same thing can be hard because they just don’t know what to say.” – Emily, 23
“I was married and divorced by the time I was 26 years old. Reactions were: “Oh my God! You were married!” and “Aren’t you too young to be getting a divorce?!” Most of my friends who were divorcees or were in the trenches of divorce were much older than me. It made me feel horrible for a while, but my personality leads me to basically not care what others think. I know I made the right decision and my true friends back me up on that.” – Hayley, 27
“My parents were supportive to a certain degree. They wanted us out of the "mess", however, they insisted that we move to their city so they could help us more. That sounds great and all, however, we already had a home in a great city and there would have been strings attached I'm sure. Since the divorce, they have been less supportive than I ever would have imagined.” – Katlin, 32
“My in-laws didn't say much about the divorce, except they were sorry that I had gotten mixed up with their son and that he had treated me so badly. Now I have a great relationship with my former in-laws.” – Bonnie, 25
Deal with it. Divorce does not exist in a vacuum. Everyone you know, who knows you both will be affected by your divorce in some way. You can bank on shifts in your relationships coming at the most expected times as people try to butt in or take sides.
“Many people are concerned. Many are saddened. Some are just plain rude.” – Julia, 37
“We separated/divorced 3 years ago. It has been so interesting to see who ended up supporting me in the end. I lost some friends. I lost my in-laws and some sibling in-laws. As time has passed there are those who have asked to be allowed back into my life now that they understand the evil regime I had been living under. Now they see the truth.” – Kate, 38
“Superglue your mouth shut. As much as you want to vent to his family and try to make them understand your side – DON’T. If they care about you, they will show it. More often than not, they are going to give him their unconditional love regardless of how wonderful a daughter in-law you have been.” – Molly, 61
When you break the news, remember these three golden rules:
1. Save the drama for your momma.
Be brief. Avoid embellishments. Unless the person you are telling is a true friend spare the juicy details. Be extra selective about what you share with co-workers and your boss. You do not need them to be more critical of your work performance and blame it on your “divorce breakdown”. It happens a lot!
2. Keep the details on the down-low.
The fewer people that know your business, the less ammo they have with which to judge you. The spectators don’t need to know who your attorney is. They don’t need to know how you want to split the assets or that your son is struggling a bit in school because he is upset about the split. Find your one or two BFFs and keep everything else top secret.
“I made the mistake of sharing too much of my personal separation info with co-workers and soon discovered that they were more than happy to jam that knife in my back and narc to my boss that I was too stressed to perform my job. Then this person just slithered right into my position before I knew what hit me!” – Leah, 32
“I told my neighbors and brother and sister-in-law everything. I don’t know why I did that but I was so overwhelmed that was not thinking clearly. Well, they were all too happy to share millions of pieces of advice concerning what I should or should not do. They told me how to handle just about everything. I was so confused that I was exhausted every time they talked to me.” – Megan, 27
3. Project a positive attitude.
Everyone will expect you to be wallowing in a pity puddle. DON’T! Positive energy breeds positive results! No one has to know that you are freaking out in the inside. Only your closest confidantes need to know your inner most fears, because they will be the ones to help you through it. They won’t be the ones
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