Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (100 best novels of all time txt) 📕

/> ___ List 3 accomplishments you are proud of. (P.S. even ones like losing your post baby weight, walking 5 miles, relocating to a new town, giving up pizza for Lent…all these count! Yay YOU!)
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CHAPTER 8
Kids and Custody – The hardest part of divorce
How to tell your kids "We don't live in Pleasantville anymore"!
Divorce is not easy when you and your former Sweetie Pie are DINKS (Double Income No Kids), or when you are DIWPs (Double Income With Pets), but it can be especially unlovely when there are darling offspring involved. As soon as you come to grips with the fact that you are going to do leave this previously perfect man who has sired your children, the next thing that crosses your mind is “Oh my God, how am I going to tell the kids?”
Unless your angels are too young to know what’s going on, brace yourself –this is going to be a major suck fest. Kids can sense things are not quite right. They are more intuitive than the Dog Whisperer! So if the once blissful atmosphere of your home life is changing to a more stressful environment, and you have thought through your Exit Plan, it’s best to just go ahead and drop the divorce bomb on them.
Experts recommend that you and your husband sit the kids down at home and calmly tell them together. Good luck with this. We are wishing you the very best! We are sending you all the positive thoughts in the universe because honestly, this is just one of the hardest things most moms ever have to face. Try to remain calm and composed. This will be darn near impossible when you see their little faces crack and start leaking tears and their mouths gape open and the “WHY?” alarm starts going off. There are a few points you will want to get across to them. Kids don’t like things to be open ended. They don’t operate well in limbo. If you haven’t noticed, they do best when there is structure and stability…so ensure it for them as best you can. (See The Action Plan Chapter 3 (Top Ten List)…you should have thought of this before now).

“Telling my kids (ages 4 and 12) that I was planning to divorce their father was horrible. They were shocked and confused. They were hurt and angry. We were all together, the four of us, and as I struggled to hold myself together, my head was swimming and I felt like I was going to puke. Typically, I have an excellent memory; but the experience was so upsetting that I cannot remember much of what happened. The memory is blocked. I do recall that when it was over I left the house sobbing. I drove for about a mile, pulled the car over and puked on the side of the road. I can’t remember what happened next. I just recall waking up on the kitchen floor of my apartment hours later.”

Now, 3 years later: "The world is not spinning quiet so fast anymore. Life is (can I even say it without jinxing myself?) good. We have a 50/50 custody agreement and it is working as well as can be expected. As long as the lines of communication are open between my Ex and me, everything goes smoothly. It's not the life the kids would choose. They would rather have a family straight off the Disney Channel; but I have learned through all this that it is better for kids to be from a broken home than living in one." – Monica, 36

“The youngest (age 1) was so little he had no idea what was going on. I told my oldest (age 11) that his father and I needed to spend time living apart and that our marriage vows had been broken and I was unsure if I could forgive him. I literally told him that his father and I weren't able to love each other the way that married people must to be able to trust and love unconditionally and that as he got older he would be able to ask more questions and get a clearer understanding. The most difficult part was his not understanding why his dad couldn't live in the same house. He kept telling me that we didn't have to talk to each other or sleep in the same room but that his father should still be able to live with us. How do you explain that??? I am still trying…”
Now, 2 years later: “They have both adjusted very well. My youngest always wants to be with what I have heard referred to as their "Disney Dad". You know the one that sees them maybe every other weekend and has all kinds of gifts, junk food, and nothing but time to do whatever they want. It's infuriating but I find piece of mind knowing that as adults they will understand that I was the one who had to have rules and had to go to work, had to be the disciplinarian. – Shelley, 42
“He told the children before he walked out the door which was very poorly planned and not well managed at all. It was a mess for a while. My oldest son (16) ran amuck, slipped out at night, and got involved with a not so pristine group of friends. My little guy (6) missed his dad all the time and was struggling in school.”
Now, 8 years later: “Super fantastic; however, the youngest one has ADD and struggles with school work. He plays us against one another. The older son is awesome. He recently graduated college and moving out on his own and seems well adjusted.”– Sarah, 44

“My ex-husband told my son (age 10) before he discussed it with me. My son didn’t really understand until we moved out. He acted out and hated me for about a year – all the while going to therapy, which eventually helped. He continued seeing a therapist until he was 13.”

Now, Six years later: “My son happy and healthy now. He is saddened at times that his father and I are not together, but my son is very resilient.” – Grace, 33

“My two oldest daughters (ages 22 and 20) said it was ok to divorce their father that I deserved to be happy and that the youngest daughter would be ok. My youngest daughter (age 12) was crushed and it was very hard on her. Once the decision was made, the two oldest daughters struggled as well. It wasn’t easy for anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

Seven years later: My kids are much better. They understand why there needed to be a divorce and things are repairing. – Carolyn, 56

Mommy and Daddy are not getting back together! Kids across the USA have been brainwashed across into believing they can flim-flam their parents into reuniting! The glorified happy-ending in the Parent Trap movie has left kids secretly hoping Mommy and Daddy will be back together happily ever after in the dream house. (But we do secretly enjoy the remake (1998) with eye candy Dennis Quaid.)


Telling the Kids Must-Dos:
1. Explain that they did not cause the divorce.
Tell them that have not said or done anything to cause this. Depending on the ages and maturity of your kids, and without adding too much detail, tell them that mom and dad have decided that they would be better, happier people if they lived apart.
2. Tell them both mom and dad still love them very much now and always.
Emphasize: “Although mom and dad’s love for each other may end, their love for you will NEVER end. It is so important to emphasize to your child that this divorce is between the parents, NOT the parent and the child.

3. Make it clear to your kids that they cannot get their parents back together.
Show them by gradually building a new life for you and them.
4. Tell them what changes to expect.
Answer their burning questions like: “Where will we live? When will I see Daddy? Where will Daddy live? Will I go to the same school? Will I still be able to take ballet lessons on Tuesdays?” Remember your Exit Plan? Before you drop the D-Bomb on the kids, make sure you can tell them what their new living arrangements and schedule will look like…and when mom and dad will be present for what activity. The more details you can give them the more regarding their schedule and structure, the easier the transition will be.

“My Ex and I planned everything out before we told the kids (ages 18, 16, and 11 at the time) – how to tell the kids, what would matter to the kids during this change, where they would live, when they would spend time with each of us – we sorted it ALL out before we told them. We wanted them to know that we were still in control and were looking out for their best interests despite the change in living arrangements. They were sad, and shocked at first, but our being able to put aside our differences and put them first has turned out to be so positive for everyone.”

1 year later: “We are all doing so well! The kids still needed to know that we are a family. My Ex and I owe it to them to be good parents. We all get together for family game night (cards, board games), dinners and concerts. You have to put down your differences with your Ex and help your kids to know that love can change and can grow into a different but equally positive relationship.” – Janice, 53

“My Ex told me and my son (age 8) the day before he left and said that we had come to a mutual decision that he would be better if we did not live together anymore. I immediately corrected my Ex and said that this was his decision. Our child wanted to know who was going to pay our bills. The first month was hard; however, now that my Ex continues to use poor judgment, our child is more hurt because he can't trust or rely on his dad to protect him or to do the right thing.”

Now, 2 years later: “Our son sees his dad for what he is. He still prays for his dad and he calls him to check on him. Our son is more like the adult in the situation. He realizes that for now, he loves his daddy because he is his daddy, but he knows that his daddy continues to make lousy choices that are bad for him.” – Heidi, 32

Kids don’t need to know the nasty details of the demise of your marriage, but they do need to know that you tell them the truth. Sensor your responses to their questions, boil it down to a level that they can process and tell them the truth. If you always tell the truth you never have to remember what story you told to whom.


5. Allow them the time (and space) to freak out.
They don’t want this. Expect door slamming. Name-calling. Tantrums. Even adult kids who have had to witness their parents engage in endless screaming matches and secretly wish they would get divorced may not completely understand when D-Bomb Day