Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (100 best novels of all time txt) 📕

the separation and I still remember learning that it was okay for me to feel the way I did. Being able to talk to someone else with my parents there was a great relief.” – Allie, 29

If you can stomach it, plan a family outing.
If you didn’t just puke all over this book after reading that last sentence, then bear with us just a bit longer while we explain. For the sake of the kids, it would be most wonderful if you and Ex could put aside your differences from time to time and spend time together with your kids. If you can’t imagine the thought of going to a play, or a concert, or football game as a family without turning the event into a full on WWF Smack Down right there in the aisles, then you just can’t. We certainly will not prod you on to martyrdom! If you can find it in yourself to genuinely and graciously spend time together with the kids without going Hannibal Lector on each other, the Girlfriends highly suggest it. Your kids may not appreciate it now, but it will pay off big time in the long run. Lady, if you can do this, you deserve a cocktail!

“We made the kids together and we are committed to raising them together. We both attend their sporting events, school functions and birthday parties. Sometimes I just hold my breath and before I get out of the car, remind myself that I have lived through worse and I can surely get through the next 3 hours in close proximity to him for the kids’ sake…and then go home and reward myself with a nice pinot noir!” – Jane, 50

“As I child, I never noticed the tension between my divorced parents. They always appeared to be courteous and civil when we were all together. At my ballet recitals or graduations, they didn’t sit together, but they were game for photo ops and never gave me cause to stress or be concerned that they would make a scene. Now, as a divorced parent myself, I respect them so very much for providing me with that normal façade in front of my peers. Now I know the underlying tensions that were in boiling just under the surface and I try my best to emulate their great co-parenting skills.” – Evelyn, 44

Be flexible and cooperative.
Co-parenting takes time to adapt to and perfection is rare. Be flexible to the needs and wishes of your kids and your Ex. If it doesn’t put you out, it doesn’t hurt to diverge from the set schedule and plan from time to time. Perhaps your child wants to stay an additional night with her dad because there is a block party in his neighborhood and she would love to go. Maybe you have always facilitated the school projects but this time Ex wants to handle it with your son. It’s okay. Remember the “Power of OK”? Being flexible, without being a pushover, looks good on you. Our girlfriends say it helps to improve posture, reduces wrinkles and helps them sleep a whole lot better at night!


Chapter 8 Checklist: Kids and Custody – No, you’re not ruining their lives


___ Practice the “How do I tell my kids?” conversation before you tell them.
___ Rehearse words your kids will need to hear: You LOVE them, it is not their fault, let them know what to expect with the process, how they will live, will they go to the same school, will they still see their friends, can they still take music lessons, will they still play soccer, etc.
___ Plan when to tell them on your time. Don’t let your husband force you into having this conversation with the kids until you are ready
___ Repeat to yourself several times: I am not ruining my child (children’s) lives.
___ Allow them to freak out, give them space, be consistent, give them love and give them a lot of your time.


CHAPTER 9
Abuse – Signs, stereotypes and solutions for escaping it
After a bit of soul searching or therapy, some of our girlfriends have been able to make a connection between their abusive marriage and an abusive incident in their past. In some instances, they had witnessed one of their parents physically or emotionally abuse the other parent. Hmm? The light goes on and wow, "It all makes sense now why I allowed him to treat me that way for so long. I grew up with the same dysfunctional scenarios." Most of our girlfriends said before they were married, the only thing they knew about abuse was what they had seen on television or in the movies. They wondered why all these weak women stay in those abusive relationships.”
We lived in denial. We couldn’t even see that we were in it – it was as though it was too horrific to admit that the person on television was living a life of abuse behind a closed door, the person in the newspaper whose husband was arrested again or was found killed by her husband and the woman in the movie who would hide her black eyes and bruises with makeup, may have been one of us. Nope, this wasn’t who we were. We were living the American dream – some of our girlfriend’s had large gorgeous homes, 2 new cars, gourmet meals cooked with Kitchen Aid appliances, Pottery Barn decor, granite countertops, stunning landscapes, children who had every toy on the planet, sports and projects to the nth degree for them – gosh, on the outside, who would ever guess what was happening! Well, that was part of the plan. Under that “Hi, I’m awesome” smile, was a stomach churning with acid, jaws that ached from clenching teeth during sleep, headaches from multitasking - and this kind of multitasking also involved juggling our husbands, and our husbands unpredictable behavior that was able to erupt with no notice. No smoke or grumbling (at least a volcano would often give warning signs)! So yeah, we could not see that we were living in this life. We could talk ourselves out of it. And the excuses … I’ll stay with him for the kids, I’ll stay with him until I save more money, I’ll stay with him through Thanksgiving (which then became Christmas, Hanukkah, which became President’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, etc.), I’ll stay until I can get my own credit card and bank account, I’ll stay with him until his 2nd cousin’s cousin broken finger gets healed, etc.

An abuser makes you feel badly about yourself – that is how you know it is abuse.

So why are we bringing this up? What is the point? What is underneath all of this? Yeah, yeah, we know. No really, why are we bringing this up? Our girlfriend’s (and a lot of our girlfriend’s girlfriends, etc.) like to TALK! Women do that and we’ll admit, we talk A LOT and yes, sometimes EXCESSIVELY. It helps us process, and it helps us come up with answers. However, it often leads us astray. I’ll say it again: it leads us astray! The bottom line and what is underneath all of this is … while we spent hours and hours talking and talking and processing, chewing and digesting the day to day of what we were going through, then talking and talking some more we realized that we didn’t know what was happening to us! We would talk to our parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, neighbors, but this took us down the wrong street. We thought it would help and we were confused when it didn’t. We were going astray! We needed to LISTEN TO OURSELVES! We weren’t doing that. Oh, we know, it is SO HARD to do that! It is so much easier to get the answers from someone else. We can all tell you that as hard as it is, it will save you so much time and energy – when your friends, family, confidants, etc. give you advice to say, “Thank you so much for your suggestion and advice” and then do a delete in your brain. Only listen to yourself! All of the girlfriends have said, “I wish I didn’t listen to my neighbor Marge when she told me to…” And “I can’t believe I did what my Mom said because it messed up…” “Do you know my Dad told me to tell my lawyer that...and I had a funny feeling that that wasn’t right? Gosh, why didn’t I listen to myself?” This is so important that we could write an entire book discussing the importance of learning to listen to ourselves.


He doesn't mean it, right? It's going to stop soon. I just know it will.
He’ll change, he’ll stop doing it. He knows it is wrong. Right?


Are you a victim of verbal, emotional or physical abuse?
Are you being abused? So he didn’t break any bones (yet), huh? Excuse me? What was that? What does abuse mean? Just because it’s not physical does not mean it’s not abuse. Sometimes the word "abuse" can be confusing and at times overused. Sadly, that is the case in the majority of relationships that are not healthy. Abuse may manifest in many different ways.
• Verbal Abuse - use of words that demean and / or threaten
• Financial Abuse - use of money to control the relationship
• Sexual Abuse - withholding or demanding sexual activities without concern for the needs and desires of the partner
• Physical Abuse - the use of force at any time and in any manner
• Third Party Abuse - engaging in unacceptable behavior toward a friend, family member (often a child) or even a pet
• Social Abuse - Denying opportunities to interact with friends or family members, denying the right to make simple choices, such as what to wear, what to select from a menu, etc.
• Emotional Abuse – Using guilt, fear, religion (scripture passages, fear of sinning) to keep a victim from reporting the abuse or to keep a victim from seeking help.

“Domestic violence is about the control of one human being by another. This control begins with verbal abuse and is similar to mind control,” states Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive man–Can He Change? Verbal and emotional abuse is common and they are, unfortunately, the most difficult to convince ourselves that they really are happening to us. Others (friends, co-workers and family) often see it before you do, honey. I’m sorry, but your man may just be a bad guy. Any woman, in any socioeconomic demographic, may find herself a victim of abuse.


Some characteristics of an abuser:
• Abusers may be charming, witty, attractive, romantic and intelligent
• Abusers have poor coping skills
• Abusers have low self-esteem (but they work hard to hide it)
• Abusers are unpredictable, unreasonable and demanding at all times
• Abusers may exhibit extreme jealousy
• Abusers always blame the victim, other people or outside events for their behavior
• Abusers deny the abuse has occurred or make light of a violent episode
• Abusers often have a history of physical, emotional or sexual abuse
• Abusers express remorse and beg for forgiveness with “loving” acts.
-Interact, Wake County, NC, “2 Forms of Abuse Coexist”


An abusive man will tell you: “It’s all in your head,” or “you are being too sensitive."