The Heartless Man by Jezebel Rouge (books to read for self improvement txt) 📕

I once met a man who had no heart. Yes, no heart he had. I met him under pouring rain right across the station. It was midnight and my train was running late. No one was there; it was only me. He ran down the stairs and I clenched my jaw as I heard the bellowing footsteps. He was soaked; wearing only black as most heartless men do. He had stopped once he had noticed me. It was there and then that I took a glimpse of his face; due to my profession it made it easier for me to read faces and indeed this man was heartless. His face was full of youth and at the same time full of bitterness and sadness. He kept approaching and as he did, I could not help myself but to study him. He seemed peculiarly familiar but I knew it was impossible. I had only lived in this city for two months and I had not gone out as much as I had expected. I could not have known this man! No I could not have.

He did not strike me as a patient of mine; if so, he would have recognized me. I noticed he carried vinyl gloves and a gray briefcase on his left hand. He had a watch on his right hand. It was shiny and it looked expensive. An executive, I thought. The man had sat next to me; the poor, poor heartless man. He had taken off his waistcoat and drenched it with both hands. I began to fidget; it happened mostly when I felt uncomfortable. The man placed his waistcoat to his side and took various glances at his watch. I knew he was expecting the same train I was, because it was the last train of the night. The train was coming; I could hear her glide on her trails. I made an advance to pick up my things and make sure they were near my reach. I did not carry much luggage, I only took the necessary. I would return in three months to finish the book I was writing based on my psychology thesis, but I needed to go home to keep the research going; to make sure that I was on the right track.

The heartless man had been staring at me and I had not paid any mind to it; I was so caught up with my necessities that I forgot my homework; I was not done studying him yet. It was a petty thing of mine to study the people surrounding me, though in this rare occasion, one has never captured my attention as this one had. He had smiled; if it may be called a smile, to me it seemed as if he was trying to relieve his jaw and his cheeks, by stretching them to his ears. The train had arrived, thirty minutes later from the time stipulated. I was ready to leave; walk away from the poor heartless man. I had walked away from beggars and homeless people before and have never regretted anything, but this peculiar figure just would not allow me to leave like I was so used in doing. I had my bags on my hands and I was standing up to get inside the train when something took a hold of my wrist. The poor heartless man had seized my wrist and had pulled me back to him.

- Please, do not get in the train.-
I could not understand this man. I was nervious but yet I remained still and fearless. I tried to comprehend but I couldn’t! Of course I could, he was a heartless man.
- Excuse me... Why not?!-
He seized my wrist even tighter.

-If you get inside, you shall regret it. Hear my words for I speak them clearly.-
The train was boarding now and he was standing by me seizing my wrist, while an invisible gaze stared at me. I could not see his face underneath his hat, could not see his eyes but I knew they were blue. An ocean blue, like an Aruban beach, with crystal irises that could radiate and create an oasis of ecstasy. His grip began to lose as I began to trance myself trying to look behind the dark shadow covering his face.

I could hear the train preparing for departure; the doors closing and the railings setting off that awful jaw-tightening sound. I just stood there, gazing into the nothingness of his shadowed face, enthralled by something I could not quite see. He had let go and he had sat down on the bench pulling me without any physical touch, towards him.
I sat next to him and I heard the shattering of something that had fallen to the floor. Someone had dropped a bottle to the floor; I had awoken then, it was as if I had been asleep and I had been abruptly awoken.
The heartless man had said nothing. His gaze rested on his grey briefcase. I had thought of taking it and seeing inside of it; I even saw myself doing it and before I could realize what I was thinking, he had opened the briefcase and placed it on my lap. It was bright, bright as the rays of the sun. It shone against my face and my eyes became oceans of tears cascading down my cheeks, water falling inside the briefcase. He had grown closer and he had moved my hairs to my back, and whispered in my ear:

I give you a choice; you could walk away from this and never witness what I want to show you
or you could stay and bear with me what you're about to see.
Your call.

I stood amazed; I could not understand- wait- I could understand but I refused to believe I did. I wanted to be naive about it so he could guide me. I could not hide it any longer, even though I had not seen his face, I felt as if I knew him and I wanted him, I needed him and I yearned him. When he had touched me I had pictured his hands running up and down my body and I had scolded myself for such a thing. He closed the briefcase and took my hand and before I knew it, everything was blank. It was only us in an empty white endless place. There were no seats, no walls, no ends, no stops; endless.
His clothes had changed, he was now wearing white all over and his face was, for once, revealed to me. His face was youthful; no age lines, no crow's feet. His lips were full untainted, lips of a doll. He looked as if he was a doll brought to life, he was beautiful yet scary. He was enthralling yet something about him frightened me.
He drove in forward, his breath crushing mine.
He kissed me, but not a normal kiss; it was different, like a rush of morphine had run through my veins; I felt peace, I felt lightheaded; I felt rendered. The more it went on, the more I felt my knees trembling, the more I wanted him to keep going and I cursed myself for wanting him, because I didn't knew him but I knew he was heartless- he was being heartless! Heartless men only look for hearts to devour and I was the victim. I fought to break free but I couldn't, those morphine kisses had sedated me and I couldn't make moves, I couldn't fight him because I wanted him and I could feel him drinking me, swallowing me, taking my heart within him; I felt weary, cold, empty; hollow. I fell and he rose, he roared and he laughed. Such a bitter sweet laughter, he looked at me and smiled; he pointed his finger at me and laughed.

-“I gave you my gift; use it well, eat it, breathe it, sleep on it and learn to live with it. One day you shall thank me, and when you do, I'll come back and return you your heart. You shall understand then, why heartless men like me do this to people like you.”-

After two years of bearing his curse, I hadn’t met someone who’d move me. I couldn't feel compassion, couldn't cry, couldn't laugh, couldn't love, and couldn’t miss. I couldn't enjoy much out of life except for those random scenes of things, like sex, food, drinks, silence and despair. I enjoyed being in pain because it reminded me that it was a pain I could deal with. The heartless man left me a mess; I lost my family, the love of my life, my friends and even my lover.
I rendered myself to the will of the curse and it drove me miles from who I was and who I had become; I couldn't go back because I was lost and I couldn't find my way back. I rendered myself and he came to me, willingly, one rainy night in the train station. He sat beside me and talked to me of life and of love, how two worthless things meant so much to the world; how much they feared death but not life, how much they valued love but never knew what it truly was, the sacrifices it involves. He involved me, enrolled me into a trance where I found myself losing my train and realizing I was alone; he had walked away leaving a note behind. He didn't know me, neither did I, but he said he loved me from the moment he saw me. He left me and I felt my heart intensify in its anger and pain.

That same night I left the train station, I went to a small café downtown and drank some coffee and ate a cream danish. A man came into the store, and he sat in front of me. I looked at the man in awe. I never thought I would see him again!
The same man of the train station was there!
I never saw his face; he carried on a large hat that covered his eyes.
He took it off and showed his face.
The heartless man! It was him!

“You have learned your lesson and so have I. I have learned to love you because you cannot love; I have learned to live because you cannot live. I cannot be without you and you cannot be without me. We owe this to each other because from the moment I saw you I loved you and from the moment you saw me you loved me.”

He kissed me. He kissed me again. Until there was no assurance of who had the curse. Our jar of hearts was half empty; we would fulfill each other with our halves.
We were both half heartless people on the world that had learned to love by refusing to have a heart.