Reasons Why by A.H (mobi reader TXT) 📕

time without a reason." 

"Without a reason?"  I repeated her words with anger in my voice. 

"Yes! You have no idea how good you have it." she exasperated. Her thoughts were so absurd that I couldn’t think of anything to say. How was my life any good? "Do you know what you have that all those kids that we met don't? A chance to live, Seth.

And you're letting your chance get away by shutting yourself out all the time.  You have a life, so live it."   

I couldn't believe she was saying all that to me. It was painful to hear her lecture me about my depressing life. My defensive instincts kicked in and my pain suddenly turned to anger. Just when I had thought she couldn't say anything worse, she did.

"Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to be like this." April said quietly. Now that I think back on it, I don’t really remember what exactly happen next, just that I had completely lost control.  Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to have a conversation like that in a hospital because I'm sure I ended up yelling.  

"You have no idea what my mother would want," My words were harsh. I saw April flinch from my sharp tone, but at that point I didn’t care.  "You didn’t know her, so stop acting like you did. You think you know everything because you act like a saint, but you don't. Why don’t you stop lecturing me on how to live my life and go work on yours."  With that, I ran to the exit and without even turning back, I knew that there were tears running down April's face. 

* * * 

After that day, April stopped coming to school. At first I didn’t care, but that was only because I was still angry. It took me a whole week to realize that I was not mad at April. I was mad at myself. April had been right. The only reason I got so angry and defensive was because I was in denial of what she was trying to tell me. I needed to find her to apologize and the only place I could think of to find her was the hospital.  

As I walked into the hospital, I tried not to remember what happened the last time I was here. Since it was a waste of time to try to look for April on my own, I went to the front desk to try and ask if anyone knew where she was. I was sure that someone must have been familiar with her since she spent a lot of time helping around the hospital, and I was right. A nurse at the front desk directed me to the cancer patients' ward, assuring me that April could be found there. The only thoughts running through my head were of ones of my mom in the same ward, so I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. 

I walked through the hallway, hoping to bump into April instead of looking through the rooms to try and find her. I passed many rooms but I had still not found April. Summer Fields, Emily Jones, Jason James

, the names of the patients were plastered on their doors and hard to miss, which only made me feel worse. Then, I came across a door that nearly made me collapse. April Parks

, the label read clearly.  I couldn't breathe; I couldn’t comprehend what I saw. I was too stunned to think clearly. I may have stood outside the door for twenty minutes, shaking, until I found the courage to open it.

As I walked in the room, I heard someone talking and, judging from what was being said, I realized that it must have been a doctor who was speaking: "You're in your last stage now and it is crucial that you do your best to take care of yourself.  In your critical condition, it is important that you do not touch any of the equipment set here for you, because you will be putting your life in danger."  He may have said something more but, after that point, I shut my ears and somehow managed to make it to the exit without letting the darkness take over. 

*  * * 

The next week, I spent every day in the hospital. I knew I should have been there earlier, but I had needed the time to process what was happening. I had decided to not get mad at April for not telling me earlier, and I decided not to get sad, because I knew that's not what April would want me to do. Instead I spent every minute with her, making her laugh as much as I could and showing her that I finally understood what she was trying to tell me. 

"Are you sure?" April asked one day when I tried to convince her that I understood, "Because if not, I can take you to the orphanage so you can better appreciate your dad. Or how about the soup kitchen? Then maybe you'll cherish the food you have on your plate and the roof over your head." 

I chuckled, "No, trust me, I get it now. I'm not going to be that depressed kid anymore, because I know that there are people out there who have it much worse than I do." 

"You promise?" April asked softly, "You promise to not go back to the way you use to be... even when I'm gone?" 

"I promise." I said, and I meant it. 

Just then a familiar couple came in.  It was April's parents and, deciding they needed some privacy, I left the room. I walked aimlessly around the hospital for only five minutes, until I already missed April and wanted to go back. I was surprised to find her parents exiting the cancer patients' ward so early, but I did not ask the reason why. I was just glad I came at the right time; I didn’t want April to be alone. I walked in on her fidgeting with her life support equipment. 

"Stop it," I caught her hand and held it tight, "You know you're not supposed to touch that." 

"Where did you come from?" April asked. Her eyes were wide with unshed tears. 

I ignored her question and asked one of my own, "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing." she lied. 

"Why did your parents leave?" 

"I uhm... I asked them to get some of my things from home." her voice was shaky. 

Before I could ask why they both needed to go, she continued to talk,  "Do you mind getting me something to eat? I'm hungry and I can't wait until the nurse comes and serves me." 

Her request was sudden, but I agreed to it, not wanting her to be in discomfort. 

As I was making my way to the cafeteria, I walked past the front desk where I noticed a vase sitting there. It was filled with lilies and I remembered that day in the meadow. April had told me how a lily represented hope and life and how she set them around the hospital. I knew that those lilies must be hers. Just then a giggling little girl came and picked a lily from the vase. She happily twirled it in her hands and suddenly many thoughts attacked my mind: how I had told April it was terrible to watch someone you love die in front of you, how she had reacted, how she had been fidgeting with her life support equipment when she though no one was around, how she had abruptly sent me and her parents away. All the clues forced themselves together in my mind and I understood exactly what April was about to do. I turned back and ran as fast as I could towards her room, somehow knowing that it was already too late. 

*  * * 

Six years has passed since that day, but still I lay lilies on the grave of the girl who taught me in a few months, what my mother could not for years: never take what you have for granted.

April taught me that even the most desperate situations have a positive point to it, no matter how small it is, and finding that point is also where I'll find my reason to smile. 

 

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Text: A.H
Publication Date: 05-12-2012

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