My Demons by Reckless . (parable of the sower read online .txt) 📕

XD thats my own snap chat picture XDDD oml

Blehh my feelings....

You're everything I thought you never were And nothing like I thought you could've beeBut still you live inside of me So tell me how is that? You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you Cause I can't erase The times that you hurt me And put tears on my face And even now while I hate you It pains me to say I know I'll be there at the end of the day.I don't wanna be without you babe I don't want a broken heart Don't wanna take a breath with out you babe I don't wanna play that part I know that I love you But let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no I don't want a broken heart Something that I feel I need to say But up to now I've always been afraid That you would never come around And still I want to put this out You say you've got the most respect for me But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me And still you're in my heart But you're the only one and yes There are times when I hate you But I don't complain Cause I've been afraid that you would've walk away but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say That I will be there at the end of the day.

February 16 ,2017

I thought i would write this as a journal entry or something.I probably won't work out. I left bookrix for many reasons that i couldn't face.shit i still can't face them now. But i left last night feb 15 and today it's hella hard not to login and just read all the shit you guys left. It's not shit because everything that people say to me i pay close attention too. So sitting in a classroom on the verge of inner madness i talk a bit about my internal problems that have got me so fucked up. :/ maybe it's jealousy. But how could you love someone you can't have?? How can you love someone that never really loved you in the first place. Like you know there past and how they love someone else. Why would you even try?? You can't change people but you can change yourself. It's really hard when in real life it's like a cycle you go to school,barely eat,on get on the internet zoning out listening to music thinking it will fix everything. It really wont. I'm not ready to say what's really bugging the fuck outta me because i'm not ready. I'm not gonna come back to bookrix till i have gotten over it completely so when i see people's names come across the community page i won't get hurt or click on it to see what it is about. I honestly wanna come back and start over. My pass will forever be apart of my future because it was what got me in the place i am in now.trust issues,insecurties call it what you want. We all have a chapter in our lives that we don't wanna read out loud. I think imma just stop writing for now. Btu Jay told me once it was about needing self control yeah maybe i need sleep and stop tryna cram small things in without letting them out. Using some of my self control to be off for awhile. Sorry if i hurt you in any way because i told you from the beginning that would. :T

I care about people who really don't give a fuck about me. I have learnt that i give more then i receive and i'm good with that. I could rant about “oh this is the last time” blah blah but why lie to myself knowing that i’d just go right back to givin a fuck about you and how you feel. My problems is that i care way too much and even though you have done me wrong some many times i won't give a fuck about it. I love you but you lost me. I care from afar because up close i know i will fall apart. For me to be okay and and alright with it i have to get better my depression is pretty bad from life itself and i have come to see that when i mix them both up i come out badder and my attention or focus becomes that. So please don't say i never cared about you or gave a fuck. From my memory i was there for you any time any day. Like i loved you and you cant say i didn't but people love to twist your words and say you never did and tell the next person that they were the first person to ever put time and feelings into you. Then what was i?? Sometimes i look at shit and be like wow this is why i don't get close or even open up because no one really appreciates what i do for them ever. It's just like why? Why waste my time again.

My jealousy is sad as fuck lol. Im tripping i know i am. I have two roots of my jealousy. One is stronger than the other but it constantly comes back thrown in my face or it's just there and i know and i just want to ignore it. But i can't. Better to write it down the cut which i have been fighting with myself not to do.

So heh i don't know how to say it so i'm just gonna flat out say it. I am jealous of sami and brandon XD. why? Because the fuck i'm in love with sami and  yeah. Seeing the very person you wanna make happy with somebody else that makes her more happy then i be doing. So that bugs the shit out of me but i have came to have closer on that. I really don't care about it now. It was just a stupid thing that i was jealous of for whatever reason i don't know. But i said it and it doesn't really make any difference to me on how i feel. She just a real good friend now i don't have a crush on her love is love eh? Anyways moving on second reason on why my jealousy really fucked me up. The second reason it the biggest part like what ate at me constantly. It was elyssia my ex that i fucked up with because i dated her knowing i was still in love with sami. Yeah i loved sami but i loved her too. I worried more about sami then my own girlfriend i was with at the time. Yeah that was wrong but i did it anyways. But all those innocent small times with her made me happy. I was happy for a moment then i became bitter. Because the very person that hurt her came back. I don't know i just chickened out of it.because it always felt like every time i was good in a relationship with somebody their past came to come fuck some shit up. Like when i was with bryan his ex jessica came back and he still loved her, loved her more then me. I'm not gonna stay in a relationship and feel like i have to compete for my love for another person i have done  it  many times and i only feel like in the end is taken for granted. I admit i have taken other people for granted in my life but never to the point where it feels like there under the water watching the after the math. After the big ass fight and just fighting over what though. I really have nothing left to fight for in either of those love scenes. It’s probably overrated and just bullshit as usual but that what it was. That what i was jealous of two hopeless things. I hate falling in love online lol. Like its really stupid you can't be with that person,hold them or even show them how much they actually mean to you. Everything good must come to an end. and  that was the end. Staying up late talking,sharing dumb video’s that had me laughing out loud when everyone else in my house was asleep. You always have to find a way to say good bye to things sometimes writing it down does that for me. I have erased like a million edits of things and cute little paragraphs to finally let go maybe one day in the future when i show with