My Demons by Reckless . (parable of the sower read online .txt) 📕

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This Book is just about me... I think i think and inside about how im feeling what more bullshit thats on my mind. how i react to things..just how i fucking feel to be honest.So if you dont wanna hear someone sulk or just talk about stupid stuff then might aswell turn around or exit out this book i dont even know.what ever works for you

 I hate myself. for everything that has happened to me it is my fault. i wouldn't be feeling like shit right now if i didn't listen to others.I chose to learn the hard way.Now look at myself "On The Cold Hard Ground" he don't give a shit and never will to be honest.some Guys have a one track brain others know there priorities and go by them.Hate's a very strong word to use and it puts scars on people and be forever. I don't hate you never will never could i just know where i stand now. I know what i didn't know and i know that Hate could never indulge my heart about you.
Isɴ'ᴛ ɪᴛ Pᴀᴛʜᴇᴛɪᴄ ʜᴏᴡ ᴡᴇ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇ sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴏɴ ᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴡᴏʀᴛʜ ᴀ sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅ ᴏғ ɪt.
I Hate that alot. Basically Gave you  2 fucking months of my life and im never gonna get that shit back.I wish i could hate you but makes things a hella lot easier and maybe then it  wouldn't hurt so much.

 Love, is not even real to me, I have been lied to, left once again, betrayed, used, cheated on, not wanted, what is wrong with me I ask myself sometimes and then I think back to the dark days, where the black wings of darkness soared over my pure heart and turned it a shade of black like no other, then I realised that day, that nothing was wrong with me for the next time I saw those white pure wings that people call love flapped and left the falling feathers scattered in people's hearts, I would burn that father and watch it crisp and crumble into ash.
I do not need someone's pointless and pathetic love for make me who I am, I love the darkness and my self I am who I am, take it or leave it, either way... Your just a human like the rest, you live, sat and breath the same air, you guys somewhat do some of the same things, It is not that hard to find another in my thought. 
                I realized that love isn't real. That's it's all just a lie to tell so you can kill. It takes what people think and corrupts them. It kills the innocents of everyone. I wish that I can tell you not to fall in love, I wish I can help you forget about it all, I wish I can tell you it's all gonna be okay, but it isn't. Love hurts, love kills, love will always be heartache. And the faster you learn that, the better you'll be. DO NOT fall 'in love'. Love isn't real. It's just a beautiful lie to hide reality. Be happy with yourself, be happy by yourself, be you and only you. Only love yourself, and no one else. Love hurts, love is painful. Stay away from the lie that can kill you.
                Love, like anything, comes in varying degrees but only at times of its choosing and is nearly never unconditional. In reality, darkness is the same because while it can mask so much beauty, within and without, it doesn't mask the pain within that hides from nothing and nobody. I know where you're coming from but it would be beneficial to never become so shrouded in darkness that you give up on the wonderment tomorrow may bring.
                        They say, "Love is blind". I disagree, Infatuation is blind, love is all 'seeing and accepting'. 
Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them. Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms, and working around them.Love is recognizing all the fears and insecurities, and knowing your role is to comfort.Love is working through all the challenges and painful times.
Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect. Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real. x)
        Basically LOVE written in a fine line is Pain. Happiness It's what brings people together or tear them apart

 Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ sᴄʀᴇᴀᴍ﹖
YES

Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴄʀʏ﹖
YES

Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴜᴛ﹖
YES

Ɗσ уσυ яєαƖƖу ηєєɗ тσ ƊǀƐ?
YES, YES I DO

 I really dislike when people respond to a text or anything with "Ok". when im either  trying to see if they are alright like what the fuck im trying to see if you're arlight and you say "ok" like my bad for giving a damn about you.then the part of where they just say "ok" after you told them how you feel good or bad. like i just sat down and poured out my heart to you and its just like Ok. like its no big deal like for some people its really hard to fucking open up let alone tell someone how they feel. so instead of just saying "ok" say some other shit cause it makes you seem like you dont give a fuck. if you dont care say it dont have me lead on or just fucking with my emotions. i heard that communication is KEY to all kinds of relationships. these are reasons why i dont open up or tell people how i feel cause i just get shot down like it never meant shit. 

 people think depression is sadness.people think depression is crying.people think depression is dressing in black.But people are wrong.Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. being numb to emotions, being numb to life. you wake up in the morning just go back to bed again. Days arent really days they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. and how do you face them?? youhave to take medications , through drinking, through smoking , through drugs, through cutting. when you're fucking depressed you grasp onto anything that can get you through a day.thats wtf depression is not sadness not tears, its the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.

I constantly feel like i have to fight against myself to feel happy. and when i think i am happy i over think that happiness or maybe im just not happy at im just playing a part and when people ask "aye tams how you feelin" "oh im fine,okay or im good" im really not though like im not and i won't. you can't get over shit in a day and if you do well damn you lucky. cause when my heart breaks it just keeps breaking and then i cry and it breaks again and again. sometimes i feel like im being played like a fucking toy or am i even real do i matter. no i really dont. my life is so fucked up in real life.it isnt stable at all and i dont like to get people in it or open up about cause when im here im worried about my mains and making sure there alright and that they know that they are worth it. because my friends are like my family there in differnt parts of the world but i love them and i guess they love me too or so they say. and im sorry that im depressed and sometimes you guys feel it. but i'll try to smile and keep pushing and pretend like everythings fine