Colors of Joy by Timothy Carstensen (christmas read aloud TXT) 📕

Jamie turned back to his bed. "But..." He felt a twinge of darkness well up inside of him. His only advantage over others who had friends, who had good foster families, and those who had real families, was that he never got distracted by them. 'He could succeed alone' was his motto, was his creed. He saw the word "But..." resting just beyond is peripheral, a wisp of grey. Sean didn't know what he was thinking about. He was older, and was in the situation too, not having a foster family, not having a real family, but Sean was normal. And normal orphans still had others to help them. Not like him. He was alone. But that was his advantage, no one to lead him, but no one to mislead him or distract him. And even now as Sean was back in the group home, his older foster family was coming back for him. The black shadows rose and boiled around him.
Sean interjected, "It's ok. It's only one weekend, and we're not too far. We can always skype you in for an interview too." His words rose in his own unique ribbons, shades of green interweaving with each other, cutting through the shadow.
Jamie knew Sean had mistaken his hesitation as a fear he'd had before, but not anymore, the fear that adoptive parents would come and request an interview when he was gone, and he would miss the chance for a family. He didn't want a family though. He wanted to be alone. A small part of him rebelled though, pleaded for him to get out of the stifling orphanage and have a weekend to pretend to be normal. He finally decided to go, and watched in satisfaction as the ribbon of grey dissipated. "Yeah, I can go." After all, he needed a break, and as lonesome as he was, he'd never get the chance again.
Sean grinned, and for a second he shimmered slightly. "Awesome! We can leave on friday, then. I'll ask Bernie." He walked back to his bunk.
"What should I bring?"
"Don't worry about bringing much. We don't have much to pack here anyway, and you can always use my stuff."

That was tuesday night, and today was friday. Jamie sat in the school room, staring at the teacher, at the kids. The teacher was lecturing on history, and Jamie watched his words, intertwining orange and brown oscillating through the room and fading slowly. He noticed the movement of the kids, one bouncing his knee and tapping his heel impatiently, giving off the shadow of an impatient red glow. Another two were busily scratching out notes, the sounds of their pencils rising up from their desks as a tan haze. Jamie wondered about Sean.

He just came in a week ago, and had gotten situated rather quickly. He didn't notice him until the day after he'd arrived at the group home, in the caf. Jamie had sat alone in the corner, seemingly ostracized by the rest. He wasn't offended by it, either. He'd gotten used to being alone, and had grown comfortable with the darker colors that rose inside of him in response to his loneliness. Being alone meant he had less distractions, and less distractions meant he could succeed. He didn't need anybody else, anyway, and felt nervous when he was joined. The colors and the sensations he encountered while watching others often distracted him and posed embarrasing. He was better off alone, staring at the empty space above the other orphans and listening to the music of their voices, watching the colors it produced. Some days it was a confusing jumble of colors all matted together, like a spill of twenty paints on a piece of paper, but most of the time it was a beatifully dynamic pattern, leaping and writhing bright colors with a smooth undercurrent of earth tones and the ripples of royal blue and purple hues. He was engrossed in the colors, as usual, when Sean had appeared, almost out of the blue. His voice cut through the colors and dissapated them, a mellow combination of green shades. Jamie never saw just one color, but different combinations of shades. He admired the green, and then Sean spoke again, and Jamie realized he was being addressed.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I was just wondering... is anyone sitting here?"

"Um, no, just me. Why?" Jamie watched his words, as green ribbons, rise and sway in the air, spinning out with hints of yellow and creating a vibrant, dynamic pattern.

"Cool." He sat at the table and began eating.

The word rose from him like a shot of navy blue, rippling slightly, merging with the green, and when they crossed, creating new lines of aquamarine. "Who are you?" Jamie asked, eventually.

"I'm Sean. You?"

Jamie watched the words, pulsing in the air, spining and spreading out. Eventually they faded and he pulled himself back to the conversation. "I'm Jamie."

And the friendship began. Jamie rarely ever had a messmate (his synesthesia always kept him absent-minded, distant... he'd get distracted by the colors... and never had one that was actually interested in him anyway. He'd been there almost three weeks, but he'd been between foster homes for more than a month at a time before. Sean didn't try to avoid him either, but hung out with him during recess at school, sat with him on the van ride back to the group home, and spent time with him afterwards. He learned that Sean had been bouncing from family to family for several years, and now one family had left him at the group home for a week but were coming back for him.

Sean also learned about him. He explained why he was always spacing, why he was always distant. The colors that he saw from people's emotions, their words, their music, they engrossed him, distracted him, hijacking his attention as if it were by force. That's also why he always did poorly in school. How could he focus on anything with so many colors and sounds flooding the room?

Sean sympathized. He imagined the synesthasia like Jamie saw it, not like a disability but like a wonderful gift. He would sit beside Jamie, like someone blind, and ask him what colors he was seeing. When they turned on music, Sean would turn to Jamie to ask which music looked the most beautiful, and often Jamie pointed him to his favorites, orchestral, pop, or rock classical. They always filled the air with huge ribbons and swaths of rainbow colors, shifting and pulsing with every note, every beat, creating such a breathtaking living art. He tried to watercolor what he saw for Sean, but he couldn't capture it. By the time he started painting, the colors would fade and dissipate, and he was left with an empty canvas.

And then, Sean got news of the family returning from him, and had asked Jamie to join him. Jamie didn't want to leave the home, in case another family might come, but he knew he'd rather spend a weekend with another orphan than alone with a foster family anyway. Especially someone he knew like Sean. So he agreed, and tonight they were leaving.

He remembered that right now he was in school, and suddenly returned to his work. He tried to finish the rest of the assignment in the allotted time, but it was futile. Once again, he'd allowed himself to be distracted. Oh well. It's not like he could pull up his grades anyway, at this point.

At the end of school he gathered his books and headed off immediately for the van. It wasn't hard to leave the small groups of kids talking after the last period. Most of them were just waiting for their perfect parents to pick them up in their perfect cars, headed to their perfect homes. The thought made him sick. Part of him always wanted to yell bitterly, "Why me? Why did my parent's have to abandon me to the state after I was just so old no one would want me? Why did I have to be the freak that never could pay attention to anything?" He knew that even normal orphans could befriend the other kids, but he couldn't even befriend the normal orphans. The thoughts, the words rose in his through like the burning of bile, and he saw them even without him saying them as dark shadows moving in the sky. But another part of him was filled with disgust at the kids, how they could have everything and look down on the orphans, look down on him. It's not like he chose to be lonely. The shadows merged in his mind, swirled and shifted. But he suppressed the thoughts, as he always did. The van had to leave the school pretty quickly to get back to the group home on schedule. He continued toward the van, his face down. He'd continue fighting as he always had. Nobody would want to help him, or befriend him. He had to fight his way through life alone, and he could do it. He'd just leave everyone else behind like they all left him behind, and he could succeed. He just couldn't let anything succeed in getting in his way. At the van was several of the other orphans already, but Jamie had to look around before he could spot Sean approaching. "Hey, Sean!" he called.

"Hey!" Sean reached the bus. "Ya ready for tonight?"

"Definitely! When do we leave?"

"As soon as we get home. They'll be here soon."

"Sweet!" Jamie liked the word sweet. It swirled up when he spoke it, white and bright blue twisting and spreading out, like a vortex of energy. He found himself using it for fun, just to see it. But for now they waited on the ride to the home, packed what they had in two cases, and grabbed their cases in their free hands, as Sean pulled him along outside into the parking lot. They ran out into the lot and a silver SUV pulled up from the right. The window rolled down, and a man stuck his head out of the window. "Hey Sean, Jamie! Hop in!"

"And we're off!" Jamie grinned.

"Yup! Meet Mr. Kelly. He already knows you!" Sean grinned.

"Cool! So where exactly are we going?"

"Home, actually," replied Mr. Kelly. Sean interjected, "We've got some stuff planned for tomorrow, but for tonight we eat in and stay up late!"

"I'm all for that!" Jamie continued. He'd thought of eating out, but hoped against it. He'd rather embarrass himself to foster parents of a friend than to complete strangers.

After the hour and a half ride, they pulled up to the house. It was a rather small compared to the bulk of buildings in the group home. The driveway led up to a garage, and part of it split off to behind the the house. Mr. Kelly opened the garage, and they pulled in. He shut off the car, and the boys piled out. "Wow!" Jamie burst, immediately. He retorted to Sean, "You didn't tell me they had a convertible!"

Sean grinned. "Hey, how else would we hang out tomorrow if not in style!" Jamie laughed, half incredulous. "Sweet!" He watched the white bolt bounce off of the car and fill the room, with the bright blue undertones trailing it. He admired the car as they passed, a yellow car with a black stripe down the top, and the word SHELBY on the back with the crest of a