The Rivals by Richard Brinsley Sheridan (good book club books TXT) 📕

JULIA
[To DAVID.] Do speak, friend.

DAVID Look'ee, my lady—by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines, fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers beside!—This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour.

JULIA
But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend?

DAVID
My poor master—under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my
lady—I am David—and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres.
Then comes Squire Faulkland.

JULIA
Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.

Mrs. MALAPROP O fy! it would be very inelegant in us:—we should only participate things.

DAVID
Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives—they are desperately given,
believe me.—Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir
Lucius O'Trigger.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir
Lucius into the scrape?—Why how you stand, girl! you have no more
feeling than one of the Derbyshire petrifactions!

LYDIA
What are we to do, madam?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent mischief!—Here, friend, you can show us the place?

FAG
If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.—David, do you look for Sir
Anthony.

[Exit DAVID.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, girls! this gentleman will exhort us.—Come, sir, you're our envoy—lead the way, and we'll precede.

FAG
Not a step before the ladies for the world!

Mrs. MALAPROP
You're sure you know the spot?

FAG I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss them;—never fear, ma'am, never fear.

[Exeunt, he talking.]

* * * * * * *

ABSOLUTE A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a mad dog.—How provoking this is in Faulkland!—never punctual! I shall be obliged to go without him at last.—Oh, the devil! here's Sir Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a circle to go off.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don't know me, I could have sworn that was Jack!—Hey! Gad's life! it is.—Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey!—sure I'm right. Why Jack, Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]

ABSOLUTE Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:—I don't remember ever to have had the honour—my name is Saunderson, at your service.

Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I beg your pardon—I took you—hey?—why, zounds! it
is—Stay—[Looks up to his face.] So, so—your humble servant, Mr.
Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.

Sir ANTHONY You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky:—but what are you muffled up so for?—what's this for?—hey!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis cool, sir, isn't it?—rather chilly somehow:—but I shall be late—I have a particular engagement.

Sir ANTHONY Stay!—Why, I thought you were looking for me?—Pray, Jack, where is't you are going?

ABSOLUTE
Going, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, where are you going?

ABSOLUTE
Where am I going?

Sir ANTHONY
You unmannerly puppy!

ABSOLUTE I was going, sir, to—to—to—to Lydia—sir, to Lydia—to make matters up if I could;—and I was looking for you, sir, to—to——

Sir ANTHONY
To go with you, I suppose.—Well, come along.

ABSOLUTE Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world!—I wished to meet with you, sir,—to—to—to—You find it cool, I'm sure, sir—you'd better not stay out.

Sir ANTHONY
Cool!—not at all.—Well, Jack—and what will you say to Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her—promise and vow: but I detain you, sir—consider the cold air on your gout.

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, not at all!—Not at all! I'm in no hurry.—Ah! Jack, you
youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?

ABSOLUTE
Nothing, sir—nothing.

Sir ANTHONY
What's this?—here's something damned hard.

ABSOLUTE
Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets!—a bauble for Lydia!

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, let me see your taste.—[Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.]
Trinkets!—a bauble for Lydia!—Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to
cut her throat, are you?

ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha!—I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean to tell you till afterwards.

Sir ANTHONY
You didn't?—Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!

ABSOLUTE Sir, I'll explain to you.—You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear—I'll fall upon its point, and expire at her feet!

Sir ANTHONY Fall upon a fiddlestick's end!—why, I suppose it is the very thing that would please her.—Get along, you fool!

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, you shall hear of my success—you shall hear.—O
Lydia!—forgive me, or this pointed steel—says I.

Sir ANTHONY O, booby! stay away and welcome—says she.—Get along! and damn your trinkets!

[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

[Enter DAVID, running.]

DAVID
Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire!—Stop fire! Stop fire!—O Sir
Anthony—call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire!

Sir ANTHONY
Fire! Murder!—Where?

DAVID
Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir
Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the fellow's mad!—Stop whom? stop Jack?

DAVID
Ay, the captain, sir!—there's murder and slaughter——

Sir ANTHONY
Murder!

DAVID Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts of slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on, sir—bloody sword-and-gun fighting!

Sir ANTHONY
Who are going to fight, dunce?

DAVID Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony:—everybody is going to fight, my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain——

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, the dog! I see his tricks.—Do you know the place?

DAVID
King's-Mead-Fields.

Sir ANTHONY
You know the way?

DAVID Not an inch; but I'll call the mayor—aldermen—constables—churchwardens—and beadles—we can't be too many to part them.

Sir ANTHONY Come along—give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we go—the lying villain!—Well, I shall be in such a frenzy!—So—this was the history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him!

[Exeunt.]

* * * * * * *

ACRES By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims!—I say it is a good distance.

Sir LUCIUS Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me.—Stay now—I'll show you.—[Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance—a pretty gentleman's distance.

ACRES Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir LUCIUS Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight!

ACRES
No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards——

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.

ACRES Odds bullets, no!—by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:—a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!

Sir LUCIUS
Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.—But tell me now,
Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or
commission I could execute for you?

ACRES
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius—but I don't understand——

Sir LUCIUS Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk—and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it—I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.

ACRES
A quietus!

Sir LUCIUS For instance, now—if that should be the case—would you choose to be pickled and sent home?—or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.

ACRES Pickled!—Snug lying in the Abbey!—Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so!

Sir LUCIUS I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before?

ACRES
No, Sir Lucius, never before.

Sir LUCIUS Ah! that's a pity!—there's nothing like being used to a thing.—Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

ACRES Odds files!—I've practised that—there, Sir Lucius—there. [Puts himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS
Now—you're quite out—for if you stand so when I take my aim——
[Levelling at him.]

ACRES
Zounds! Sir Lucius—are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir LUCIUS
Never fear.

ACRES
But—but—you don't know—it may go off of its own head!

Sir LUCIUS Pho! be easy.—Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance—for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left!

ACRES
A vital part!

Sir LUCIUS But, there—fix yourself so—[Placing him]—let him see the broad-side of your full front—there—now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.

ACRES
Clean through me!—a ball or two clean through me!

Sir LUCIUS
Ay—may they—and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.

ACRES Look'ee! Sir Lucius—I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS [Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint us—Hah!—no, faith—I think I see them coming.

ACRES
Hey!—what!—coming!——

Sir LUCIUS
Ay.—Who are those yonder getting over the stile?

ACRES
There are two of them indeed!—well—let them come—hey, Sir
Lucius!—we—we—we—we—won't run.

Sir LUCIUS
Run!

ACRES
No—I say—we won't run, by my valour!

Sir LUCIUS
What the devil's the matter with you?

ACRES Nothing—nothing—my dear friend—my dear Sir Lucius—but I—I—I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.

Sir LUCIUS
O fy!—consider your honour.

ACRES Ay—true—my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honour.

Sir LUCIUS
[Looking.] Well, here they're coming.

ACRES Sir Lucius—if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid.—If my valour should leave me!—Valour will come and go.

Sir LUCIUS
Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.

ACRES Sir Lucius—I doubt it is going—yes—my valour is certainly going!—it is sneaking off!—I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands!

Sir LUCIUS
Your honour—your honour.—Here they are.

ACRES O mercy!—now—that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I was aware!

[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir LUCIUS Gentlemen, your most obedient.—Hah!—what, Captain Absolute!—So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself—to do a kind office, first for your friend—then to proceed to business on your own account.

ACRES
What, Jack!—my dear Jack!—my dear friend!

ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.

Sir LUCIUS Well, Mr. Acres—I don't blame your saluting the gentleman civilly.—[To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground.

FAULKLAND
My weapons, sir!

ACRES Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my particular friends.

Sir LUCIUS
What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?

FAULKLAND
Not I, upon my word, sir.

Sir LUCIUS Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so cantanckerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.

ABSOLUTE
O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.

FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter——

ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland;—I'll bear my disappointment like a
Christian.—Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to
fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.

Sir LUCIUS Observe me, Mr. Acres—I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody—and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him—I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing.

ACRES Why no—Sir Lucius—I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged—a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face!—if he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!

ABSOLUTE Hold, Bob—let me set you right—there is no such man as Beverley in the case.—The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you please.

Sir LUCIUS
Well, this is lucky.—Now you have an opportunity——

ACRES
What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?—not if he were fifty
Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.

Sir LUCIUS Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance!

ACRES Not in the least! Odds backs