The Rivals by Richard Brinsley Sheridan (good book club books TXT) 📕

ABSOLUTE
So pensive, Lydia!—is then your warmth abated?

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Warmth abated!—so!—she has been in a passion, I suppose.

LYDIA
No—nor ever can while I have life.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her life—will she?

LYDIA Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight with me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!

LYDIA
Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance!—to his face—this is to his face!

ABSOLUTE
Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.]

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Ay, poor young man!—down on his knees entreating for pity!—I can contain no longer.—[Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen!—I have overheard you.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!

Mrs. MALAPROP Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all's safe, I find.—[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady——

Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.

LYDIA
Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou unblushing rebel—didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that you loved another better?—didn't you say you never would be his?

LYDIA
No, madam—I did not.

Mrs. MALAPROP Good heavens! what assurance!—Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying don't become a young woman!—Didn't you boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?—Tell me that, I say.

LYDIA
'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hold!—hold, Assurance!—you shall not be so rude.

ABSOLUTE Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's very welcome to talk thus—it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you.

Mrs. MALAPROP You are too good, captain—too amiably patient—but come with me, miss.—Let us see you again soon, captain—remember what we have fixed.

ABSOLUTE
I shall, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.

LYDIA
May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!—come along—come along.

[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA—Mrs.
MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.]

* * * * * * *

ACRES
Indeed, David—do you think I become it so?

DAVID You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' we've any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops in Bath!

ACRES
Dress does make a difference, David.

DAVID
'Tis all in all, I think.—Difference! why, an' you were to go now to
Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler
wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve
me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly
Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.—Oons!
I'll hold a gallon, there ain't a dog in the house but would bark, and
I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

ACRES
Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing.

DAVID
So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

ACRES But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring.

DAVID
I'll call again, sir.

ACRES
Do—and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

DAVID I will.—By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!—if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit.]

ACRES [Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide—coupee.—Confound the first inventors of cotillions! say I—they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen—I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced!—and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.—Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple—figure in—right and left—and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!—but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!—I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure—mine are true-born English legs—they don't understand their curst French lingo!—their pas this, and pas that, and pas t'other!—damn me! my feet don't like to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes!

[Enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT
Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.

ACRES
Show him in.

[Exit SERVANT.]

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS
Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.

ACRES
My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

ACRES Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last.—In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.—I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray what is the case?—I ask no names.

ACRES Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady—her friends take my part—I follow her to Bath—send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of.—This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.

Sir LUCIUS
Very ill, upon my conscience.—Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

ACRES Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.—Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.

Sir LUCIUS A rival in the case, is there?—and you think he has supplanted you unfairly?

ACRES
Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir LUCIUS
Then sure you know what is to be done!

ACRES
Not I, upon my soul!

Sir LUCIUS
We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

ACRES
What! fight him!

Sir LUCIUS
Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

ACRES
But he has given me no provocation.

Sir LUCIUS Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.

ACRES
Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man.
I never saw him in my life.

Sir LUCIUS That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty.

ACRES Gad, that's true—I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!—I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir LUCIUS What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

ACRES Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were—a kind of courage, as I may say.—Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

Sir LUCIUS Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!—For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.

ACRES O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!—every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!—Odds balls and barrels! say no more—I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast;—Zounds! as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds!

Sir LUCIUS Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case—these things should always be done civilly.

ACRES I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius—I must be in a rage.—Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper.—[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!—Indite, I say, indite!—How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray compose yourself.

ACRES Come—now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme.

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now—Sir ——

ACRES
That's too civil by half.

Sir LUCIUS To prevent the confusion that might arise——

ACRES
Well——

Sir LUCIUS From our both addressing the same lady——

ACRES
Ay, there's the reason—same lady—well——

Sir LUCIUS I shall expect the honour of your company——

ACRES
Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray be easy.

ACRES
Well, then, honour of your company——

Sir LUCIUS To settle our pretensions——

ACRES
Well.

Sir LUCIUS
Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do—in King's-Mead-Fields.

ACRES So, that's done—Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest—a hand and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir LUCIUS You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

ACRES
Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir LUCIUS Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.—Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow.

ACRES
Very true.

Sir LUCIUS So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.—I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.

ACRES By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir LUCIUS I shall be very proud of instructing you.—Well for the present—but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner.—Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword.

[Exeunt severally.]

* * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

DAVID
Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir Lucius
O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.
Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

ACRES Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.

DAVID Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.

ACRES
But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

DAVID Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.

ACRES
Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!

DAVID I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.—Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.—Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well—my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.—So—we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!—I kill him—(the more's my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it?—Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!—by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

ACRES No, David—in that case!—odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave.

DAVID
Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.

ACRES
Zounds! David, you are a coward!—It doesn't become my valour to listen
to you.—What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?—Think of that,
David—think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!

DAVID Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such haste—with an ounce of lead in your brains—I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind