What am I to do? by shi1234 (phonics readers .TXT) 📕

i'm pretty close to both of them, I'm pulled into every fight and i hear both sides of every story. Sometimes i don't know what to believe. 

 

And oh my God, they are so SAPPY! And have no problem whatsoever with PDA. Matter-of-fact, every other day B slips into our 3rd period class and E sits in his lap until our teacher kicks him out. Then they kiss, yes in front of the teacher, before he leaves. And on the day after, E makes herself late to 2nd period so she can see him before class, and majority of the time she tries to make me late with her. Yet other times, she up and leaves me with no warning whatsoever. Why? To hang out with B. So awesome being in the middle of that huh?

 

 

Birthday Blues

I have a love/hate relationship with birthdays, mine specifically. I love that i’m closer to freedom with every birthday, but at the same time there’s the obviously problem: I’m getting older. Birthdays are the time of year where you’re surrounded with people telling you how old you’re getting. The only time of year most of your facebook friends post on your wall and message. The way i feel is that, even though i like being told happy birthday most of the time, if you don’t talk to me on a regular basis, don’t pretend you care just because i’m a year older.

You know the time of people i’m talking about right? Of course you do. It happens to all teenagers, guys included. Matter-of-fact, once people get around the age range of 18 to 25, it’s the start of the please-don’t- mention-my-birthday phase. Me? When i get 25, i’m not gonna stop aging…...i’m gonna start aging backwards. Yep, i’m gonna follow the lead of Benjamin Button.

My boyfriend Vanilla had that early down on birthdays feel. I texted him happy birthday and boy, he was not happy. He did nothing to celebrate his 18th birthday, but instead sat around the house, watching tv and texting me. He’s the party type for the most part so it kinda surprised me. I got him cheered up, fortunately. I hate it when he’s unhappy. When he’s in a good mood, that’s when i am too. Me, on the other hand, although i don’t like that thought of being old, i still have enough years between me and being middle aged that i can still have fun at my parties.

Those friends that playfully talk about you in front of your crush(es). Last year, before Vanilla and i were an item, i invited him to my birthday party. Three of my friends from middle school that i’m still close with are there too. Whole time Vanilla was there, they were telling him stories about thing that happened in middle school, and i spent the whole time with my head in my hands (though i had to admit that they’re funnny).

He Likes Me/He Likes Me Not

Tick tock………

 

I sit or lay on my bed, asking myself the same questions. Does he like me? How much does he like me? Do we have some type of future? I know that picking the petals on a flower is cliche and all but sometimes i want to do it anyway.

Sometimes serious conversations are a must. Whether i want to or not, I eventually find the courage to ask or tell Vanilla what i was thinking. And its nerve-wrecking at the time, though it never stays awkward or serious for a long time.

***

Me: What would you do if i had somebody that looked like me and we switched lives for a week?

Him: Same thing i would do to you. But i don’t think that there’s anyone out there like you.

Me: even if you knew it wasn’t me?

 

I knew i didn’t have the right to be but i was slightly hurt by that answer.

 

Him:it depends

Me: on?

Him: idk, it just depends

Me: you know that’s not a good answer right?

Him: yea i know

Me: as long as you know

Him: Lol

Me: I’m upset now

Him: Why?

Me: i’m jeaulous of my made-up “twin”. Lol

Himm: you shouldn’t be

Me: Do you use your brain all the time?

Me: Ok well turn it on for a minute and ou yourself in my shoes

Him: Ok, now what’s wrong?

Me: (deep breath) Sometimes I don’t think you like me as much as i like you and when i do believe you like me, i have no clue why. Everytime you mention your exes, i get irritated. I miss you whenever we aren’t around each other, and when we are i want to keep you by my side. I love talking to you on a daily basis, but i start to feel like a nuisance if we talk or text for too long. Sometimes i think of you and want to cry because i like you so much but i have no claim to you besides that of a friend. I know you’re funny, cute, sweet, sensitive, and more but i can’t have you. Really kinda pathetic, i know.

Him: I didn’t know you felt that way…….but you’re not pathetic. You’re special to me.

Me: i guess

Him: Wytb? (What you thinking ‘bout?)

Me: (while watching Captain America) That i can’t believe i told you all that and that Captain America is sexy

Him: Now i’m jealous

Me: Lol. You shouldn’t be. Not like i have a chance with him.

Him: You never know. Especially a beautiful girl like you.

Me: Lol. Smh. Flattery at its finest.

 

Although i shocked myself by managing to get all that out, i don’t regret it. I was feeling horrible before, but after i felt relieved, peaceful, and actually happy. Wonder how long these feelings are going to last until i become insecure again. Let me cherish them while i can.

The First

Before Vanilla, there was another guy. His name is Hill. My first serious relationship. We had been quite close lately, so I should’ve seen it coming. Over one of the school breaks, we went to the harbor with a group of friends. Extra long hugs, walking arm-in-arm, sharing a Mcdonald’s lunch, and me sitting on his lap when there wasn’t enough room on the bench for all of us. When school started back up, he told me he wanted to talk to me but he was in a rush to go somewhere at the moment. After hugging me and going on his way, I started wondering what it was that he wanted to talk to be about. One day I saw him right before he was supposed to leave, and we walked down the hall, to a quiet part of the building. He was so quiet while we walked, making me slightly nervous. Once we settled into a spot on the steps, Hill took a deep breath before turning to me and suddenly saying “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

I was so surprised that i was rendered speechless for a minute. Then i thought about it. The long, comfy hugs, easy conversation, and more, then smiled.

 

 

“Of course i do.”

 

***

 

The way our band of friends stay connected is astounding. I told my best friend Extra, and my friend Rob knew because he was there when i walked back to the cafe after Hill left. But by 2nd period the next day, almost everyone knew. Friends were texting me asking why they had to hear from other people and not me, which was slightly comical because i hadn’t seen any of them yet.

At the beginning, the relationship was textbook perfect…...mostly. Saw each other in the mornings, lunch, and relaxed together after school. We liked each other so much and people could tell. Few things he didn’t like though. I had a fear of PDA. Well not PDA exactly, because holding hands and hugging were fine with me. But we never kissed unless we were completely alone. That’s a good thing that came out of it. After the first month, i was getting over that.

Another not so good thing was the start of summer. We still managed to see each other occasionally, but we didn’t get to spend much time together. And that not seeing each other problem got bigger when school started back up. For the most part, we had different schedules, and didn’t see each other much at all. Majority of my after-school activities start later in the year, so no after school hang-outs really. And in our before-school activity, placements were moved around, so he was too far away to talk to.

Near the end of our fourth month together, Hill kept wanting to talk to me about the situtation. Whether i knew how we could spend more time together. But everytime we parted ways, the situation was no better. The third time he brought it up, it was two days after our five month anniversary. I put up my hand, stopping him midsentence.

 

Me: just tell me. Are you going to break up with me or not?

Him: ……………….

Me: Yes or no question hun

Him: I don’t want us to be strangers ag---

Me: I will be here for you no matter what. Are you going to break up with me or not?

 

He got really quiet again then looked at me, slowly nodding. I nodded, cleared my throat, before getting up to leave. He grabbed my hand, looking at me to make sure if i was ok. I kissed him on the cheek, said i’m fine, then walked away with my head held high. Naturally, i waited until i got to the bathroom to break down. Extra found me in tears about five minutes later and hugged me until i stopped. When i got up, she looked at me worried.

 

“Don’t worry about me. I got it out. Starting now, i’m never crying over him again.”

 

***

About two weeks later,