What am I to do? by shi1234 (phonics readers .TXT) 📕

I talked to him at lunch today. He asked me to tell him what happened to me, that made me wary of relationships. I couldn't answer him. My throat closed up, and my breathing became shallower. "Are you ok?" he asked. "No, i'm not" I whisper softly. "Then tell me. Tell me what happened. You can talk to me about anything. You know that." he said. "I know. The question is whether or not I would let myself tell you anything." I said sofly. I could see that he was growing frustrated. He wouldn't snap at me, I knew that much, but he sulk for the rest of the day. I sigh. I don't want to see him unhappy, but in this case it can't be helped. My class was called, and I got up with everyone else, leaving one of my best friends behind.

I know I need to talk to him. I just don't want to. I'm scared I will start crying and look like a total fool. He wants to know about me. But like my friend Ron pointed out once before, i'm a secretive girl. I know I can trust him. But when you spend so much time bottling up emotions and keeping secrets, it's hard to let it out. I'm not in control of my feelings either. I don't know what the heck im feeling. Besides guilt. He does so much for me, but what do I do for him? He says i'm "a really good friend" and i'm "like a sister to him" and "I don't care about material things." But I was cruel. Before we fell into our brother/sister relationship, he asked me out 4 or more times. What did I say? I usually did 1 of the following:
1. changed the subject
2. walked away
3.laugh
4.say no and give no reason why when he asked.

Yet he still stayed around, making me laugh, cheering me up, urging me on. Sure I was mad at him for the whole Ray-ray thing (his now ex-gf). But I realized that the anger was stupid and misplaced. It was his (ex-)gf I couldn't stand and I was taking it out on him. At least he talked it out. Tag and I were there to listen and give him advice. It was his choice what he did with what we told him. Keeping everything inside, it's not healthy. I know that, but I do it anyway. He talks about it, lays out all the cards. You know where you stand with him, but at the same time, he's one of the nicest people ever. And I admire him for that. Me? I'm just a shell. No longer carefree. No longer oblivious to what happens in life. And i'm fake. Confidence, style, and um....certain

other things are not mine. My friends are the ones that keep me going.

Whoever said fake it til you make it is stupid. It should be fake it til your tired. Because i'm tired.When i'm with my friends, I usually leave my drama at home. I laugh, talk, have fun. It makes me feel better, yeah. But it doesn't help anything. When I get home, I still have to deal with the problem. I just have to deal with it ALONE.

* * *

He sent me a message from facebook yesterday. He told me to meet him after school today since i'm staying after for dance practice. Great. So now he's asking, scratch that, telling

me to blow off dance so I can have a conversation I don't want to have. I didn't have the heart to say no though so I said i'll try. It's only 2nd mod now, and i'm regreting it. What he said before walking away was running through my head on replay. "Don't come to me. I'll find you."

In the end I missed practice and my meeting; my dad couldn't pick me up. So I rushed to the bus, looking over my shoulder. Once I was on I sent him a text saying sorry for not meeting him and telling him why.

I slumped on the bus feeling guilty about 3 things:
1. I was hoping the I wouldn't have to meet him
2. I missed dance
3. I missed dance without telling the instructor I wouldn't be there
Man, me and guilt might as well be shopping buddies. It's around enough.

Thank God for understanding people. He wasn't mad at me for blowing him off. When he finally texted me back, all he said was "ok. it's fine."
Me: I promise i'll tell u......sooner or later
Him:U could tell me now
Me: In a txt message? i dnt think so
Him: come on.....
Me: Look, dnt rush me. I'll tell u when im gud and ready 2 tell u. :-(
Him: Ok. fine
Me:Im srry. Didnt mean 2 snap at u. Got upset 4 a min
Him: Its fine. *Change of subject* What do u want 4 Valentines day?
Me:Why does it matter?
Him: ???
Me: I mean, I dnt have a valentine anyway so wats da point?
Him: Wats dat posed 2 mean? U think im nt gonna get u anything even tho i told u i will?
Me: Dats nt wat i meant
Him: ok then. Now wat do u want?
Me: idk. Candy
Him: wat kind?
Me: Lollipops or chocolate
Him: Imma get u a whole bag of lollipops
Me: Yum! Thx
Him: no prob
Me: ok. Im broke rite nw but I get my allowance soon. Wat do u want?
Him: I dnt want nttn
Me: ???
Him: Dnt worry bout me. ok?
Me: ............fine. If dats wat u want

I didn't tell him but I felt guilty. Again. Spending money on me that he could have easily used himself. I was upset. Even though he couldn't see me he just knew.
Him: Wats wrong?
Me: Y do u think somethin is wrong?
Him: Come on. I no u
Me: Fine. I jus feel guilty
Him: Guilty? Y?
Me: Ur always doin stuff 4 me
Him: So?
Me: Wen was the last time i did sometin 4 u?
Him: Yesterday. & da day b4, and da day b4.....
Me: ???
Him: Ur doing something 4 me jus by being there. Im tryna do as much 4 u as u do 4 me
Me: .....................
Him: ???
Me: ..................
Him: U ok?
Me: Um...........yea. Jus surprised.
Him: Y surprised?
Me: idk
Him: How u dnt no?
Me: idk

We chatted 4 another hour, then he had to go. This guy is like a brother to me. We're closer than me and my blood sisters. And i'm afraid 2 lose him because of my stupidity.

I hate rumors don't you? And i'm not a fan of the people who start rumors either.

This summer I was put on the spot by my mom. Way more than once. Why? Because some idiot kept calling her phone saying that he was my boyfriend. My mom questioned me about it endlessly, but I had no idea. This ongoing interrigation ruined my summer vacation. After my mom asked who it was, the guy said "Your daughter's boyfriend. Can I talk to her?" When my mom asked for a name, he hung up.

When I got back to school (in 7th grade), I was approached by people asking if I was dating Cole or Lee (guy friends). I said neither. I was friends with Cole's sister and she told me that it was Cole who was calling my mom's phone. I was mad. Yes, rumors are just that. Rumors. But this rumor had not only been going on all summer, but it shattered my peace.

* * *

Today, Epic, Taco, and I were given a scare. While we were in line at lunch, a boy we didn't know grabbed our butts. I turned around. I wouldn't have known it was him, if not for the smirk on his face. I frowned and gave him the finger. He lost his smirk, you can bet on that. I smiled sweetly and turned back around, making sure that my butt was out of his reach. I looked at the other two. Taco looked troubled, and Epic looked scared.

Later that day, Taco left 3rd mod to go to the bathroom. When she came back she told me that the same boy from earlier was in the hallway. Not only did he grab her butt again, but he kissed her....of course, against her will.

I was fuming. I wanted to go out there and tell that low down, dirty um....

son of a goat where to put his face. He's lucky. I was mad enough that if I had gotten out of class, he would be kneeling in pain from a kick to the place the sun don't shine. Instead I settled for putting my head in my hands. "Coward" I muttered to myself.

Well, good luck must be on our side. We just found out that the boy who made us, shall we say, uncomfortable

was expelled for smoking weed in the bathroom. Yay!! Juvie, here he comes.

* * *

Another skanky peice of nothing was expelled today. Good. That two-timing jerk needed to leave. See he was dating my friend May. One day, my friend Shortstack called......
Ring ring riiing (I pick up the phone)

Her: "Girl, i'm dating Vaugn"
Me: "You know I can't stand that boy!!"
Her: "I know, but can you try to get along?"
Me: *whiny voice* "do I have too?"
Her: "Please"
Me: "Fine. But i'm only doing it for you."
Her: "Thank you. Now i gotta go."
Me: "kk. Bye"

The next day at school, I though about May. "Um......Shortstack?" I called. "Yea" she replied. "Did he ever break up with May?" I asked. "Oh....." she paused "I don't know." "Ok. I'll ask her when I get to class. I'll text you what she says." I said.

When I got to class, I sat down behind May. "Hey. Are you still going out with Vaugn?" I asked. She nodded.