Inside by A. D. (most important books of all time .TXT) 📕

 So next Monday we are going down the hill.I have to look my absolute best.So yesterday was a cheat day for me but today is where I start my 4 day starving period.The fifth day will be Monday and I can eat finally at a place called Hometown Buffet.

It'll be a reward.But tuesday I have to start again.Can't let myself get out of control again.I don't want to be fat.I don't want to be thick.So I will starve to be my best self.

Yeah so other than that there's nothing new.That's the only thing to be looking forward to in my life right now.I can't wait to but my lips on some homemade hashbrowns.For some reason I've been obsessed with them lately. 

Then there's college sign ups in August.Have to get ready for that as well.I'm pretty excited about it too.This whole summer I haven't done anything to progress.This will give me a reason to get out of bed and something to do.

I have great worth ethic.So I should put this brain to work instead of laying around like a dirty pig.I've giving up on finding a shitty job.They all suck, so why should I be uncomfortable for people who don't treat you with respect.

I'm going to do my own work.I won't have to put myself through the anxiety this way.I will be comfortable doing my own thing.I have too many dreams to ust not work on them.

Then from there I don't really know where I'll be or what I'll be doing.All I know is wherever I am I will be working on me.A better me that is.Sure I might get tired but I want this for myself because it makes me happy.

I might even bounce around.Maybe travle here and there.I think it might be easier for me to find somewhere I like.I have problems finding a place to live where I am most comfortable.Need a place that feels like home to me. 

Everyone has left me on the back burner.Everyone has left me behind.Not anymore.Now it's all of your turn to be put to the side.Maybe It's time for me to spread my own wings and follow my own map.Without the stress and drama from you all.

I'm tired of seeing the same streets.I'm tired of all the bullshit these people put me through.I'm ready to go!I don't know where but anywhere is better than here. 

 Journal Entry #5           6/28/17                  10:32am

      I still haven't got this eating thing down.Why can't I say no to food!!!I find myself eating stupid things when I'm not supposed to eat at all.I got myself to the point that I can go for one day and then the second I don't know what happens.It's like I feel so good about starving the day before that I reward myself with fries and then I just get out of control.I want to go back to the days when I could not eat for a week and still feel great.Those days when I could say no to any kind of food.The day when I was paper thin.Yeah I miss those days so much.Now they just seem so far away that sometimes I wonder if it was even real.I'm so far away from where I used to be.I just know it.I mean I look it.That's why I'm so afraid of stepping on a scale.It's gunna tell me something like 145.That's how much I feel...I want to be skinny.I want to be recongized for how small I am.It's so hard now.My mind isn't as strong as it used to be.But I really have to stop downing.I need to push harder before it's too late.I need to eat less calories when I do eat.I need to hold off on the exercising until I feel great.I need to start off hard.Today I will start the mean course and no butts about it.Just need to stay focused and know what you want.I will starve until I forget that I haven't eaten in a while.Until I see changes.Big changes.I'm 19 now and I kinda got this new fuck you attitude.If you ask me I think I like myself better this way.I will not let anyone push me into eating.This time I don't care what anyone says I'm doing it for me now.To make me feel happy again.Everything this year is going to be about me myself and I.Fuck the friends I don't need them.Fuck the public.Fuck family.Fuck relationships.Just focus on a better me.I will feel better about getting a small job.I will feel better about taking photos.Feel better about visiting relatives.Feel better about myself in general.Possibly become a blogger about life and have a talk radio with my sister.Or become a model and design my own line one day.Either which way I go I will make sure that I don't have any spare time to eat or see family.Then I'll finally leave them all behind and start the good life.

Journal Enrty #2                  6/13/17              8:43am

      I came to the conclusion that I should just stop looking for someone to love me cause it's never going to happen.They say they love you but how am I supposed to believe that.Everytime you leave the house my mind goes crazy.All I think about is everything going wrong.I can't control my thoughts and most of the time they have me down.And with all these relationship problems it doesn't help that I have to cope with not drinking anymore.I tell myself all the time that I'm gunna try a couple sips just to see what happens but in the end I know I'm scared to feel that way again.The pain was horrible last time.But who can live without another sip of liquor?I'm only 19...I shouldn't have a possible ulcer...And then there's the thing with my weight.I can't seem to stop my self from munching on stupid stuff.I used to have it on lock.I could go for a whole week without eating back then.Then I stopped for some odd reason.Got Fat!Now I'm here still having issues.But this time I can't even go for one day.Looking at myself in the mirror makes me furious.I just want to higher a bunch of people to beat me up for the weight gained.But I feel magic today.Like today will actually be the first day that I will not eat.Once I'm past the first day all the rest will be a breeze.Model body here I come!I'm gunna start working really hard at it.I just need stuff to do to take my mind off of it.Like shopping or going to concerts.Just fun things so I won't want to eat.I need to blow pictures up of all my idles to keep my mind straight.I need to get a small job or something to do all these things.I need to get back up starting with a harsh diet to make me feel better about going out.Spend more time with my animals.Maybe get a new puppy...I don't know...I just need my entire time tookin up by activities so there will be no time for stupid relationships and eating.I need to go back to the old me.The rude,loner,and party animal kind of girl.I'm older now and have the means to go to big functions.Back to the Amy that felt good about herself.The 104 Amy.The Amy that everyone worried about.The Amy that gave no fucks.Atleast I felt good about myself for once.

 GOODBYE PART 1-

     I understand that some of you have serious issues.I also understand that we do crazy things becuase of those issues.It may or may not have to do with family but mine did.Your issues may be deeper than anyone had expected.

You can't change who you are.Believe me I've tried.The person and soul you were born with is who you are forever.Ain't no changing that.I'm sorry.

The brain is a fragile thing.That's why it protects us from certain things that had to happen.It's a proven fact that our brain shuts things out without us even knowing.It does it so we won't loose our shit.It's all part of human nature.

These things that it blocks out could be things that scare you or something that was so traumatizing.If you ever figure out the things it had blocked out it might surprise you.It really means that you were too weak to handle that part in your life.When it comes up that means your ready to remember it.

Think of it as your brain doing you a favor.It's like a parent that tries to keep your mind pure as possible.But then there is that one day.That one day that they can no longer protect you because you are old enough.In this case it's strong enough.

I guess what I'm trying to say is your all strong enough in your own way.Whether you believe that or not, it's true.One day you will be ready for anything that comes your way.Not because you force yourself too but because you were born for this.

You've made it to the end time of my book!Congratulations for having the stomach too.I know your head must be sworming with questions.I know this but don't worry I'll make another Inside.You'll get to read on front row seat of my life.

In the next book I will be a bit more personal with you all.I can't explain how.You just have to read to fine out what I mean.I just know and can tell you that it will be better than the first book.

Telling you all about where everyone ends up.Where I end up.Who I end up