Inside by A. D. (most important books of all time .TXT) 📕

We all had our scary points though right?Being 104 was pretty small already but in my head I wanted to be thinner.Looking at my self in the mirror back then was amazing.For the first time in my life I actually was satisfied with myself.

Now I'm fat and depressed.I have a boyfriend that doesn't even pay attention to me.No friends what so ever.I have no source of income.I'm basically a waste of space.

This is going to change though.I'm tired again and have an ich to lose weight.I'm going to do it behind everyone's back this time.I will lie my way out of it.I will not stop for anyone.

I will push myself day and night to get back to what I was.I was pretty and hot.Everyone liked me then.I need to get back to that life.And I'm going to do it all by myself.

This August I'm going to be signing up for college classes.I will sell stuff online to make cash as well.All summer long I will be working on my body.It needs to be in shape by the time August comes around. 

I'm in my prime right now.I should look my best while doing my best.I don't want to be in a small shit town for the rest of my life.I want to be successful and know that I did it all by myself.

Everyone will try to get at me again.Everyone will try to be my best friend.But this time it's me myself and I.I've learned very clearly over the past year that everyone is out to get you.

There is no such thing as friendship.They just want what you have.Love is a myth.They only want to drag you down with them.Family is a joke.They just want to know what you can buy them next.

I'm putting a stop to it.Today embarks a new motive.Me.I'm fixing and focusing on me.Something I have done in a while.No body cared about my feelings or life so why should I do everything in my power to make them happy.

They don't love me.Like really true blue love me.I refuse to be a product of this town and the people in it.I choose to fix myself up.Meaning go forth with my life and make something out of my being.

When it's finally all over I will be happy.Cause this journey I will be taking is very new to me.I need to start taking care of myself.I need to start treating myself.I need to be by myself and be happy for once.

See the thing is I will still help people because I am a good hearted person.I won't let shade get to me.My days of being angry and bitter are over.It's about me now and nothing will get in my way.

As for right now.I am taking time relax before I have a wild year ahead of me.It's summer which means you can take a break.Do what makes you happy this summer.Have the time of your life.You deserve it.

Journal Entry #18                   10/3/17       6:04pm

      I'm on the edge right now.Every which way I turn the door is slammed.I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.I'm so fucking scared of who I've become.I don't know this person.It's like I lost all my social skills.I have no idea how to make new friends or to keep them.I'm so fucking lonely that I'm running to all the wrong people.I'm a let down and a waste of space.There is no direction for me to go.I fucking hate this.I hate me.I hate living.I hate all the expectations this world wants.I try to keep up with it but I can't anymore.I'm beginning to think I don't belong here.When nothing works it should be a sign right.A sign that I suck.A sign that this could be me giving up.I haven't talked to anybody about these feelings I've been having cause everytime I try to the feelings overwhelm me and I choke.If I can't even talk about how can I express it.I can't.There's just too much emotion.It's taking over me and I'm screaming stop.Everyday.I yell at myself but it doesn't help.It just makes me feel worse.I sit here waiting for help.A oppurtunity.It's hard when people are yelling at you but you can't find anything.I'm pressured for time and I'm stuck in it.I can't breathe most of the time.I've grown silent.I'm dropping weight.I'm mentally there.At my point.The point where suicide is a option.The point that scares everyone.If it doesn't get better and it only gets worse from here....I'm gunna have to take that route.I can't live like this forever.I'm tired of worrying about everything.I'm tired of losing my hair.I'm tired of caring about my weight.I'm tired of dealing with all these personalities that ruin my life.I'm tired of feeling lost.I'm tired of getting abused.I'm tired of being angry.I'm tired of everything.I want to let it all go.It hurts.It hurts so fucking bad.I want to curl up in a ball and be locked somewhere nothing could affect me.Only bad things are put in my way.How am I supposed to be good if there is no good options.I can't make it.I'm falling behind and I just don't understand why me.Why do I have to think like this.What the fuck is wrong with me.What the fuck did I do to deserve this.Cause last time I checked...I didn't ask to be born.If I had a choice I would have stayed nothing.I wanted to be nothing.So why am I here.Just fucking kill me already.What are you doing up there god.Fuck dude at this point I don't even care where I end up on the otherside.Anywhere is better than here.This is actual hell.Nothing is worse than having this brain.Nothing.I'd rather be dead.I mean that.I really want to die.This is not a place for me.I can't be like this.It's killing my soul.It's killing my heart.I'm suffering.No one understands what is going on in my head.I can't talk to anyone without crying.Fucking crying.I can't control it.When I'm at work all I want to do is stab myself multiple times.No one can understand that.I don't even.I need help but everything takes money which I can't get.I don't think I want to do another year of this bullshit.If things don't change soon it's over for me.I can't take it anymore.I really can't.

I don't even know where to start.People are trying to shoot up my house now.My boyfriend is treating me like shit again.My family is broken and it is beyond repair.Mine and my sister's bond has faded.

I feel more alone now than I ever have in my entire life.I'm still trying to decide out if that's a bad thing or a good one.I'm ignored here.No one notices me.They are all too busy with everyone else to just talk to me.Acknowledge I'm here damn it!

I mean I am alive.I have air in my lungs.I have a voice and a life.So why do you all just walk by me like I'm invisible?I know I'm dead inside but I'm still sleepwalking on the outside.

That's all I want.Just someone to talk to.I have no one but silence.It's become deafening and I've grown starved for attention.I'm depressed and desperate.I've fallen so far and I can't be reached.

I've asked to die.I've prayed to god about it over and over but everything just seems to get worse.I can't tell anyone how I've been feeling because no one will listen.It's not that we don't want to talk about it.It's that no one is listening.Sometimes you just need someone to listen.

I have no job.No friends at all.A family that ignores me.I mean that kind of stuff makes you want to go over the edge but still you don't.I don't know why I don't.

If there was a breaking point for me it would be now.I thought 2014 was bad but really it was just the beginning.The beginning of a fucked up life.A beginning of no life at all.

I'm really drowning over here.I don't know what to do anymore.I don't even think I want to do anything anymore.I kinda just want to sit here and let it take it's course.If I die I die right?

I spent so much time telling myself that I didn't want to die.But what if I do.What if I'm tired of fighting.What if I told you I wanted to put a end to it all tonight.Would you listen?Probably not.

The truth is that's how more than half of America feels.Wanted to throw their life down.We want to give up cause we know how hard it is to live with the mind we were made with.If I could get a different one maybe things would be different.

I want to be normal.I want to be sad over death and breakups.Losing a job.Normal things that you get over.Instead I get my mind.Waking up depressed for no reason at all.Feeling lost and hopeless everyday.

I don't feel alive.I havent felt like that at all.I've always felt this sickness.I don't want to compete.I want to go to sleep and never open my eyes again.Does that seem bad?To me it sounds like peace.

No one cares about me here.I don't even care about myself.I do reckless things knowing what can possible come of it but I just don't care.I don't care if I die cause I want too.

I've spent so long fighting it.Bruises and scars everywhere.I'm tired of it.I don't need help.I need peace.I just want peace.

I sit in my room everyday waiting.Waiting for something interesting to happen.Waiting for someone to come and talk to me.Waiting for anything really.

Everyday is the same.Like the exact same just different order sometimes.I wake up and I check my socail medias as if I had something waiting for me.I take a shower and then smoke.I return back