Inside by A. D. (most important books of all time .TXT) 📕

I go online or play a video game.Still no contact.I go and smoke again.I watch movies on netflix.I do this everyday.It's my comfort zone I think or maybe it's just me being ignored.

I walk around this saken house.You just walk right by me.Like I was nothing.Not even a ghost.

I am breathing so that means I am alive.So why does everyone act like I'm not?Why do I feel like I'm dead?Why do I feel the need to harm myself to feel something?

I have grown lost.I have started believeing that I am nothing cause you made me feel like I was nothing.Not a hi or a how are you doing.Just nothing.

I didn't ask to be here.I wasn't the one who wanted to have sex to have a baby.So if you didn't want me either why am I here?Why did you birth me if you hate me?

Was it some sort of sick game to you?Where you so angry at my father that you needed to take it out on someone who looked like him?Why is it that I'm the only one you didn't want out of 4.

You love them all.You talk and spend time with them all everyday but me.I'm the one you like to try to fight with.I'm the one you scream at like I'm a stranger.Like I'm not your baby.

What did I do that was so wrong?I can't remember.You must know the answers to all of my questions.I mean you do do these things for a reason.There must be a motive.

Why do you constantly think I'm a whore?Why do you always fuck with my relationships with guys or friendships with girls?Why do you talk about me behind my back like I'm a worthless piece of trash?Why are you always putting me down and discouraging me?

I'm not a whore.I actually believe in self respect.My friends and boyfriends care deeply for me like you should have.I sit in my room all day so what could I have done wrong.I can do these things just like anybody else can.But you wouldn't know that cause you don't even know me.

You know the person you have made up.Just so you have something to talk about with your fucked up family.You don't know me at all.You never cared too.

Or maybe it's becuase your all of those things you said I was.You know your the whore.You had more one night stands than anybody I know.You have no friends or boyfriends that will stay with you so you have to fuck everyone else's up.Your the worthless piece of trash that your mom had created.Let's be honest your just like her.You always put me down cause I have what it takes and you don't.

So stop with the bullshit.Your fake to me just like your family is.None of them cared about me just like you.I was the odd one everyone talked about.I'm the highlight of all your lives cause none of you have your own.

So when I do die please don't say anything at my funneral if I even have one.We all know it's fake.

I loved you my dear sister.I was always there when you needed me.I always had your back no matter what.Your my sister and best friend why wouldn't I.

We were so close I thought.But recently I feel far away from you.We are growing up I know.Sometimes people grow apart whether we like it or not.But from my sister I couldn't imagine.

Your the one person I thought I could tell everything too.Now I feel I can't tell you anything.Not cause you would tell others but because you don't really care.You may ask and say you do but I know we are not on the same page.

Your all about boys which you should be.I'm not saying your a whore cause your not.Your normal and human.You just fall head over heels for anybody that come your way friends or boyfriends.

I guess I was a little jealous.Not of you but of your time.When there's no one to hang out with I'm your last resort.I put you first before anyone.You know that but I guess your not the same.

You always chose everyone else over me and it wasn't fair.Our sisterhood has always been unfair.I have always put my needs and wants on the back burner for you.And I know what you would say to this.You would say so that's not my fault she did that.I didn't tell her to.

No you never told me to put my clothes back so you could get that random 44 dollared top on my dime.You never told me to fade in the back of your relationships.You also never told me to put you first in everything I do but I did cause I love you.

You never noticed anything though.You never noticed how unwanted I felt all the time by you.You never noticed how unhappy I was when I made a desicion to make you smile.You never noticed me because you didn't care too.

Life was about you.Never me or me and you.I built my life around you and I probably shouldn't have done that.As long as you were happy right?As long as you got what you wanted it didn't matter who you were hurting in the process.

I came in the room other day when you were talking with mom.I asked what you guys were talking about and you didn't say anything.What happened to telling me everything huh?The women that you claim to hate you tell but not me.

I wasn't hurt by it.I was just hurt that everyone looked at me like I was trash in that moment.Like I wasn't good enough to know what y'all were talking about.But I kinda already heard.You have to be a little smarter than that sister.

I know your planning to leave somewhere with a boy.Just fuck me right.Fuck our plans.Fuck everything that we've talked about going to live together.I'm not even disappointed though sister.I'm not a boy or a friend.I know I'm meaningless to you.

I know I'm just there when no one else is.I know I'm just a money and pot machine to you.I know that I'm used.I just take advantage of it cause it's better than nothing.How sad.

Well let me tell you something baby sister.I'm dying inside.I'm harming myself and crying all the time.I hate who I am and am constantly starveing myself.I know that's not your problem but I would have cared if you were doing these things.

Pretty sad that I can't tell you that I want to kill myself cause I know you won't care.You'll just be another person sitting at my funneral.Pretending to care.Just like everybody else who left me unnoticed.

Today I have officially starved for two days.I can honestly say it feels a lot harder than it looks.I feel like I have the flu but on a good note I don't want food.Like at all.It's kinda weird.

I don't know if it's because I'm finally determind or if I'm just really depressed.So much is going on right now and it's out of my hands.I think it was perfect timing for all this shit to happen.Now I can finally control something.

See my sister thinks she can move to vegas with her not even boyfriend and everything will be okay.I never left her here in this hell for one minute.We were supposed to get out together but of course I'm not invited.I just can't believe I actually thought she cared about me.It's plain to see she is just like them.

So I'm left here again.Always being put on the back burner.Everything just seems so far away and impossible.But I know if I keep it up I won't get no where and just let the world swallow me whole.

I've been fucked over enough.I won't let life do the same.I'm going to go forth with my life.Do the things I said I was going to do.If stephen wants to be with me he's just gunna have to change.He's gunna have to do it my way.

But I know no one can put up with me for too long.I told him one more chance.If he fucks up again I'm gone for good.I mean it this time.My birthday is in two months and I'm changing for my future.

I've decided since everyone has their own agenda now so do I.I'm going to leave now without any distractions.I won't look back.I will live my own life the way I want to.The way it should be.

I don't need no man to be with me while I do it either.I have my dogs and money.I'll just be that success story in my family.The only difference is that I did it by myself and I'm not sharing.

Lately I've been on some fuck people shit.Everyone is bullshit.Everything they say and do is bullshit.I'm going to become the coldest bitch you know.The world did that to me.Humans did that to me.

Fuck you and your life.I'm livin mine and having fun.With no worries or drama.Just me and my animals in our own house.Under our own rules.

Now that sounds like the life to me! 

Journal Entry #23          10/25/17      3:38pm
   

I wish I died in that car accident.I can't help it.I don't want to be here.I thought it made me motivated but here I am again.Everytime I try I get knocked down.Like the world is denying me.There's nothing here for me so why didn't you take me god?I wanted to go.Was that another one of your fucked up pranks?I don't understand any of this.I'm too dumb for this world.Everyone seems to get it but me.I see all these stupid people getting out there and life just hands them everything.What about me?Don't I deserve to have nice things?To go out.To have money to do things I like.What am I doing wrong.Someone please just tell me cause it hurts so god damn bad.It hurts to