Inside by A. D. (most important books of all time .TXT) 📕

You will never get rid of the sour thoughts.You will always feel disgusting after eating.You will always look and feel ten times bigger then you actually are.It's just how a eating disorder is.

So embrace it.Not everyone can have the strong mind set that you have.Not everyone can control it like you can.I actually think it's sort of a super power.

Take advantage and get that summer bod you always wished for.Be that thin model you want to be.Fit those crop tops only skinny girls can look cute in.Be the skinny girl you and I both know you were meant to be.Cause lets be honest you look your best when your thin.

For starters get away from that junk food.You don't need it if you want to be skinny.Start slow if you aren't really used to the hunger pains.Like cutting out chunkie foods.Not for good don't worry.

Try to not eat all day until dinner.If you can't possibly do it then eat one apple and that is it.Keep yourself busy with friends.Smoking pot away from a fridge is perfect.Just keep yourself busy all day.It works trust me.There will be no time for food.

At dinner time you can eat whatever.Junk food included but it has to be  meal.Not snacks.Snacks are more fatting then a real full meal.Keep this in mind.

Repeat this for at least a few weeks.Your weight will drop a lot if your bigger.Like I was once.After a few weeks your body will adjust to what you are doing and the hunger pains will go away.But there is still work to be done.

After you think you have mastered that you can move on to bigger things.Like starving yourself for a full day.You have to be stern and harsh to do this.Everytime you go to eat you drink water.Fill yourself up with water.It works and it keeps you hydrated.

First day is done and the hunger pains are back.They hurt so bad that they make you want to eat.You can but small portions.The next day after that starve again.Repeat the cycle for as long as you need to feel like you can handle more days.

Add day by day to the starve cycle being harsh on yourself mentally is key and keeping yourself on the go constantly.Start going on late walks to improve stamina.After a few days you will feel weak.But after your breaking point you will feel amazing.

What's a breaking point you might ask?It's the point when you realize you have no pains at all.You feel great even though you haven't eaten in awhile.It's a feeling that is like the best feeling in the world.You'll know what I'm talking about when you get there.

Once you've reached your breaking point keeping starving.Like for 5 days straight.Don't be fooled by the breaking point.It's the best yess but it is also a vulnerable state.Eating could put you back at square one.So go forth with it even more.

Just don't go past a full week yet.Your still new.Doing so too quickly could make you faint.You don't want this to happen.You want to avoid that.Take it slow like I said.You will get there.

Now eat after the sixth day.What ever your little heart desires.Big apetite but full all too quickly huh.This just means it's working.Great news.

Next morning get back in line.Starve for 4 days this time.Then eat the best salad you've ever had.Lettuce, cheese, olives, dryed onions, fresh red onions, crutons, and buttermilk ranch.Change the menu if you'd like but salad only.

In the morning you'll still be thin.Next is starving again.I think you might be ready for a full week.But that's for professionals.You don't have to do the full week if you don't want to.Starving for 6 days at the most will still get you good results.

Life long results.You can do it all the time and lose weight everytime.Everytime you'll get smaller.Trust me.

I've came into contact with an old friend I guess you can say.I don't know if this could be a thing.We are two very different people now.She's a gamer and into technalogy.I'm stupid when it comes to that stuff.I just have basic know abouts.

Is it bad that the only reason I've accepted her message request is to learn how I can make money from home?I feel terrible about it...And my sister...She would never approve of our friendship.I'm torn.

I don't think I want any friends.Like at all.I have not one friend on this earth currently.Before I was depressed about it but now I feel perfectly content.I don't want to hurt this girls feelings but she seems she doesn't know what it's like to feel sad.Or any fear of danger.

I wouldn't want to corupt her.That's all I ever do.I'm not innocent.I know this.The only thing we have in common so far is smoking pot.But she could be lying just to fit in with me.She was kown for that.

When we were kids she was more of the bully.Yes she was my best friend at one point but at the same time she was a asshole.She would point out how I was fat.Or that I was the only girl in 4th grade to have such huge boobs.She made me feel bad sometimes.

But she is incredibly smart and could help me i so many ways.I could use her to get me into college.I can use her in getting a good job.I could also use her for how to make money at home.All of this is using her...

She's clearly just looking for a friend.I'm such an asshole man.But this life I live made me one.She also had a part in that.She can't blame me.I'm not the same mousey Amy that you used to know.

I'm not fat anymore.I'm not shy at all.I love sex and drugs.I crave and live for the rebelious thrills.I'm a bad person to hangout with lets face it.

But hey if she wants to be my friend then let her.Who knows maybe it could be great for the both of us.She can get a friend out of it and I can get employed.We doing each other a favor.

Unless my thoughts are true.The thought of her being on Terria and Bre's side.Like come on an old past friend hitting me up out of the blue.Right around the same time.I don't know anymore.

What if this is her setting me up.Or maybe it's just me being paranoid.I think of everything that could happen before I do something and it sucks.It really stops my life.I think everyone is out to get me.And most of the time they are.

I just don't know what to think of it yet.So for now I'm going to keep it online.Like pen pals.Plus I don't want her to know where I live just because.I don't need anymore people knowing where I am.

I just need her help with college.Also it'd be nice just to have someone there.

I don't even know if I want a boyfriend anymore.Things just don't feel the same.We have almost nothing in common and I still feel he's on drugs.He's just too skinny.

He always leaves me lonely.He rather hang out with everyone else except for me.Of course he just tries to sweep my feelings under the carpet because he just doesn't care.It's clear to see that.

I've lost feelings for him.I don't get butterflies anymore.I don't smile as much as I should.I barely leave my house.I'm so lonely that it makes me desperate.I'm depressed and he has a part in it.

So why am I still with him?Maybe it's the fact of not wanting to be completely alone.Or maybe it's cause I don't want him to be happy with anyone else but me.

I don't even have sex anymore.It's like once in a blue moon.And even then I feel alone.I always either feel like throwing up or it hurts to bad cause I'm just not turned on.How could I be?

I don't want any attention like that anymore.I just want to be left alone.In the piece and quiet in my own comfort zone.Away from everything.

But on a brighter note I finally got past my first day of no eating at all.I woke up this morning wanting to throw up so I had something little and sweet.I feel better.Now I just have to run with it.

I'm not giving up now.I want to look cute on those tiny crop tops.I want people to look at me again.I want to be called skinny.I want thin thighs and nothing is going to stop me.

Who knows where this journey will take me.Maybe I'll get back to 104.Or maybe I'll push myself more this time.I'm trying to be perfect skinny.No sagging skin anywhere.Just pure beauty.

Maybe you'll notice me now Stephen.When I start dropping pounds left and right.Will you notice me then?Or will you just think it's normal?The funny part about this all is not even you can stop me.

I will do this and not care at all.I don't care what anyone thinks.It's my life.My body.I will do what I want with it.There's not a damn thing anyone can say.

 Journal Entry   #10            7/23/17          11:33am

        I've got 3 more weeks until my birthday.Even though I hate that I exist I still want to be thinner by then.I haven't exactly been taken my weight.I'd rather not know what my starting point was because I already know it's alot and it would make me push my body too fast.I want to push my self hard but not fast.Yes it gets fast results but I'll feel alot more sick and people will notice quickly.I don't have a problem with people knowing.I mean they're gunna see too...If I lose too much in a small time frame people will try to stop me and of course I can't have that.This time it's different.I will not stop for others feelings.I will not let someone force me into eating.My