Inside by A. D. (most important books of all time .TXT) 📕

I've already started the party babes and your late.Got a new addiction and it's called pills.Need to get my hands on something stronger and better that norcos.Maybe like oxys.It's all candy to me.

I'm tired of being stuck at work and then coming home to sleep.I'm wasting my young life away.I want to live like the bad guys do.Life on the egde.Try new things like hard drugs and getting fucked up in late night strip clubs.

Anything to make the pain in my head stop.To make me feel alive again.To be your girls worst nightmare.To get away with breaking the law.It's time I start doing for me.What I want to do.

No regrets.No shame.Just me doing what I've always wanted to do.All those bad things that have been calling my name are about to be answered.And I can't wait.It's going to feel so good too.

So good to have a 3 some if I want to.So good to have sex for the first time with a girl.So good to see strippers dancing on those poles.So good to have drunken sex with whoever I want regaurdless if I have a boyfriend or not.

I was meant to be bad.Ever since I could remember I was older in the mind.I was always interested in sex and drugs.Not to mention alcohol.I've been drinking since I was 9.

I just want to be set free from the judgement.I know everywhere you go someone is judging.I just want to let that go and not give a fuck.I'm an adult whose going to have her own house pretty soon here.When that happenes I'm going to have my own life back.

My own rules under my own house.Fuck you all who tried to hold shit over my head cause now I'm on my own and it's working out.Your jealous mom?Jealous that I can do it all on my own.Mad that I'm not falling yet.

Well guess what?I'm not going to so you can just stop with the shit talk cause soon you won't mean anything to me.I'm going to be the girl that your parents warned you about.The girl that everyone wants to be friends with but fuck you all cause it's about me now.You all have abused me for too long and now it's my turn.

 Lifes been shit lately.Everywhere I go there's drama.I just want a little piece and quiet.Or just to be okay but no.I can never just be okay.

Work has been more stressful than before.Crooked coworkers lurking everywhere.When you think you can trust one,they are usually the worst one.They have now made me so anxietyed out that I cry when the clock says 9am.Just a reminder of having to leave my home and be around a bunch of people who don't like me.

This one girl I work with is always giving me anxiety.She's like 60 years old and has nothing better to do than fuck with me.She should leave me alone and go retire.Seriously it would take 20 pounds off of my chest.She's always following me around.Constantly trying to get me into trouble.

Now she has others doing it as well.Like the maintenance man.He made me go back to a room making me feel stupid about leaving something under the bed.Then the other house keeper started seeming as if she was annoyed with me for no reason.Slowly they all started going from really friendly to going against you.

The worst one yet was when I had to work with someone else like I was a baby or being penalized.I was so embarrassed.I didn't even do anything wrong.I was acused of not using my chemicals when I did.Someone had filled them up when I was helping someone else out.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did.One of the other girls had yelled at me for dropping my linen when she was dropping hers.It was a honest accident but she acted like I did it on purpose.I had already apologized but it wasn't good enough.She came and found me at lunch and went off on me in front of everyone.

I had so much anxiety after that I went to the bathroom.The tears began to fall.I couldn't stop them.I probably should have walked out and quit but something told me not to.Instead I cleaned my face and cut my lunch short.

I don't understand why I can't just have a simple life.Why does everything have to be so hard.I'm getting kicked out soon.I have to deal with a shit job.A shit "family".No friends what so ever.Why can't people just leave me alone.I just want to be left alone.

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit.Today I just realized how much I don't care about my boyfriend.He treats me like shit and is never here.Constantly lying to me.I'm about ready to just tell everyone to fuck off.

I'm ready to give up on all this shit.No bullshit I want to die.I'm tired of living.I'm tired of venting to myself.I'm tired of starving.I'm just tired of pushing myself to be normal.I have issues and I'm tired of them.

I feel it starting again.The depression but mostly anxiety.It's like a dark wave.A dark wave of flesh eating zombies that I can never get away from.It's always there no matter what I do.It's there.

Some days are worse than others.I pray for the worst to quickly pass.I don't think I could handle another 2014 depression.It was probably the worst time period in my life.I was so depressed that it had took advantage of me.Making me almost impossible to be around.

It was a time where I was so angry with my self that I took it out on the one person who actually loved me.Well at least for the moment.I drove him away and I'm women enough to admit that.I must have been a scary person to be around back then.I didn't blame him but what I did blame him for was giving up.

No matter how bad it got.If I say I'm in love with you that means I will work out every problem and want you all the time.I will never give up on you no matter what your going through.We said this to each other and for a moment it was perfect.Real love.The kind you fight for.The kind everyone thinks does not exist.We had it.

So young at the time I think had a bit to do with our falling out.My mind was with my hoe friends instead of him.The one who really loved me and does to this day.I chose drugs and alcohol over him just as he did to me.He woke up and I didn't.After all the shit I did to him.The cheating.The lying.The constant fights about me eating.He still wanted me.

I was no good for him anymore.I failed him but he failed me too.He let me down by walking away when really what I wanted was for him to hold me.I needed comfort but you left me.Alone out in the open.

You turned to even heavier drugs and sex.I was heart broken.We gave ourselves to each other and I was so hurt to see you fucking other girls.We were meant for each other and you knew it.But you also knew after you fucked someone else it would be over for good.You made that call not me.

So I fucked his best friend.It meant nothing to me.Everything has meant nothing lately.After you I think I died.A little and then my dog that I've had for 20 years passes.You weren't there and we practically raised her together.A part of me went with you that night.I haven't been the same since.

To me she was normal.It was normal for her to be with me at all times.Just like it was normal for him to be beside me.But things change.People change.I changed.For the better I think. 

Today is going to be a bit different.I'm going to share something that I have never shared with anyone before.I hope none of you get offended.This is a venting of mine.All true of how I feel on the days where I just don't want to feel at all.Here we go.

 Journal Entry #1              6/7/17 7:59pm
My heads been traveling down dark thoughts again but this time I fear I can't control it.I push myself to shower and take care of my animals on these days.Sometimes it feels impossible so I wait for little for no people to be out in the living room as I do so.Then it's right back to my room.It happens more now.Before it would be like a bad day and I would wake up the next and be fine.But lately when I wake it's still there.Hovering over me like a ghost I can't see.Mostly it starts with the feeling of feeling odd.Then a sketch feeling of not feeling safe.Then I get angry at myself for feeling this way so I punish myself by hitting my legs with any metal object(a flashlight seems to be working)repeativally and violently.If I wake up the next morning with no bruises I hit myself harder and harder until I want to cry out but I don't.I find it easier to find lies to cover it up then cutting myself.With each day I literally think I'm getting worse.My horrible thoughts have now turned into suicide thoughts and I don't know how to shut them out unless I'm really fucked up or asleep.But recently I haven't been getting much sleep.I dream of mostly sad and upsetting things that never leave my mind for the following day.The most recent one was about me and Tj.We were in a random house hooking up.It felt so real.I felt so happy.The kind of happy I haven't felt in a long