My Skeptical Thoughts by Suleman Nasir (book club suggestions .txt) 📕

to bring into fruition. A man’s purpose, other than an unwavering obedience to Divine will, is to make the world a place, much better than the state he had found it in. Man must be cognizant of the reality that he is the product of millions of his ancestors, thus living a meaningless life would not only be a disservice to his self, but also the entire chain of his ancestors. One must be on the hunt for his purpose of life, and he must configure his goals and his abilities in such a manner that it contributes a fair share in the betterment of lives of his fellow beings. A man, by utilizing the time allotted to him and by his proficiencies, must toil towards a better life graced with virtue and morality. If a man sets his mind and heart into achieving something he turns unstoppable. Living a life devoid of endeavor is squandering one’s efficacies, and is tantamount to ungratefulness.

 

A man has entities inimical to him both within and without. A man not only has to jostle with other beings of his kind, but he also has to quell his irrational desires, temptations, fears and vexing insecurities that tend to weigh him down. He who conquers the foe within, the enemy outside can deal him no blow. It is often the enemy within, that steers a man from his path and makes him oblivious to his purpose or duties. What stops man from acquiring his purposes and goals is often he himself.

The Human mind is a double-edged dagger; it empowers man beyond recognition as long as it is wielded by him, but the movement a man loses the levers of his mind, it becomes his tyrannical master and dictates his life at its own accord. The only thing that draws distinction between humans and wild beasts is that humans do not act on whims and caprices. Their actions are actuated after proper contemplation over rights and wrongs and deep deliberation over the aftereffects of their doings.

We, as the appointed deputies of God, must commence realizing the duties that have been fastened upon us. We must get immersed in a tight-laced struggle to expedite ourselves towards a splendid life. Not having a purpose in life or not fully utilizing the brain as well as brawn in the actualization of life’s purpose is similar to going into a gold mine and coming out empty-handed.

 

Chapter 14

 

Till Death Do Us Part

 

“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.”

–Samuel Johnson

 

 

 

Life is a long drawn out journey, and venturing into it on one’s own is unimaginable and inconceivable. After a certain age, feelings of loneliness bring us on pins and needles. We feel a void inside of us that cannot be filled with materialistic things. Being privy to man’s yearning for companionship, God devised the institution of marriage. Marriage, like a skillful tailor, stitches two souls together. The practice of marriage does not imply setting out on the hunt for a perfect and flawless partner, who, like a knight in a shining armor or a miraculous fairy, will disembarrass us of all troubles and sculpt our life into a fairy tale. Perfection is a myth. The essence of marriage is in receiving with arms open one another’s imperfections and concertedly staring tribulations of life in the eye.

Matrimony is a bond of sanctity and mammoth purity; a husband and wife when behold each other with love-coated gaze and exchange vows of love, God’s mercy twinkles upon them. Sexual relations in marriage are doubtlessly an expression of love and a mean for procreation, but it should not be an impetus to bring about marriage. Marriages forged solely and wholly on the premise of carnal bliss are bound to fail; once such luscious motives are attained, marriage will be reduced to an inconsequential entity and the partner, to a burden. It does not take much time for such marriages to fall. Marriage should also not trigger an end to our freedom and liberty, but it should be the beginning of it; one should not hide parts of himself/herself to make room for someone else to shine.

A successful marriage is a kaleidoscope of love, care, trust, empathy, and chemistry between two individuals. Men want from their wives affection, unflinching belief in their capabilities, understanding, appreciation and affirmation, respect, and undaunted trust. In the same vein, women cherish to be reminded by their spouse day in and day out that they are being loved; she wants to be understood and listened to. Being complimented on looks and attires and appreciated for her day to day work is like music to a woman’s ears. For a wife, quality time spent in the company of her husband is far more treasured than anything else. Both men and women should tend to look attractive for their spouses so that they remain consumed with desire for each other and do not get disenchanted. Humans are fallible beings; propensity for inadvertent mistakes and errors is something they suck in with mother’s milk. Thus, both men and women should recourse to a lenient approach towards each other’s faults. A couple ought not to circumscribe their relation to that of a husband and wife, but also let feelings of friendship and bonhomie sprout between them. Women are emotional beings, hence men should, like a sponge, absorb and listen calmly what they say rather than inciting arguments.

It is a household precept that a husband and wife are like two indispensable wheels of a single carriage; both partners should take stabs at fulfilling their share of duties; without sufficient investment from both sides, a marriage sails aimlessly like a sheep without a shepherd. It takes two to make the marriage a success and one to make it a failure. Marriage is a boon but it is the transgressions and abandonment of obligations by one or both partners that transmute it into a bane.

Marriage is the sole remedy for overcoming pangs of loneliness, but there is also no greater loneliness like that of a failed marriage. A man and wife are the architects of the world encompassed inside the four walls of their abode; they shape the lives of each other and their progeny. Spouses, by their conscientious conduct or by shirking their responsibilities, turn their home to an island of bliss or a pit of agony.

 

Chapter 15

 

Salvaging the Fall of Love marriages

 

“Sometimes love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.”

–De Finod

 

 

 

Matrimony brought into existence, whether out of love or arranged by kith and kin, is destined to face the trials and tests of time. But the statistics have evinced the fragility of a love marriage, as it breaks more often than an arranged one. It should be spelled out that it is not the marriage that is culpable of failure but the behavior of those tied in it that lead it on the path of ruination or make it a success story. The heart of the matter is not to shed light on whether to love first and marry or to marry first and love, but rather to direct attention towards the agents that cause the miscarriage of a marriage.

The predominant cause of the collapse of love marriage is embroidered and inflated expectations. Unlike love marriages, those entering arranged marriages tread into uncharted territories and are strangers to each other’s behaviors, moods, likes, and dislikes. Given all this, they are empty of any exaggerated expectations. Conversely, as love marriages are predicated on a long romantic relationship, couples are comparatively conversant with each other, thus they expect their partner to act in rhythm with their turn-ons and turn-offs. After marriage, most of such expectations turn out to be all sizzle and no steak. Being in a romantic relationship and living together as spouses are as dissimilar experiences as night and day. Two individuals, when tryst or convoke a meet up, are donned in the garb of decorum and decency that appeals to the other one, but when the same two individuals begin to live together, they are peeved by even the slightest improprieties of each other. Expectations when unfulfilled lead to disappointment; blessed are those who do not allow any expectations to seep into them. A marriage spoils into a toxic one when spouses try to change or edit each other. It is a peculiarity exhibited by men when they marry women with the hope that they will never change, and women’s unfounded anticipation that their potential husbands will change. Invariably, both are disappointed in the end.

Another factor that sounds the death-knell for both love and arranged marriages is an incompatibility. Compatibility is more crucial than chemistry. It is obvious that we all vary with each other in one way or another, but the marriage of two individuals who are utterly poles apart, leads to only one thing: Compromise. It is our folly that before buying trivial gadgets we spend days in debating its pros and cons, we deliberate over it days and nights, But when it comes to choosing partners, with whom we vow to spend our whole life, we do no such thing because of our haste for companionship and fear of being left alone. There is more to a marriage than love; no matter what the movies tell us, love is not enough. Love does not automatically translate into compatibility; some people may feel love very deeply, yet lack every ounce of compatibility. We lure ourselves into believing that as long as we love each other, it will all work out. It is a toxic mindset. In relationships of this sort, we are tethered to use love as an excuse for other’s inexcusable behavior. Before entering into a marriage, it must be scrutinized that one’s mode of life, nature, behavior, ambitions, and hopes do not contrast with those of the other, lest it will turn out to be recipe for a tasteless marriage.

Intimacy, passion, and commitment are essential elements to push a relationship or a marriage up to the mark.  Intimacy involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and affection; passion involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consummation; commitment involves feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move toward shared goals. Even if a single one of these elements is missing, it is quite likely that the bond will unweave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

 

 

Arranged marriages prove to be more long-lasting because they are often weaved between individuals of the same family, religion, culture, society, school of thought, or belief system. Thus, like two peas in a pod, couples knotted together by arranged marriages converge in many ways. Furthermore, arranged marriages remain under the duress of family and society. On account of this, they are sustained willingly or unwillingly to avoid being at the receiving end of shame and ignominy.

The power to make a relationship or marriage yield favorable outcome rests in the hands of those enlaced together by this bond. A marriage, regardless of its type, is a seed that reaps desirable fruit only when it is incessantly nurtured by love, care, understanding, sensibility, and acceptance coupled with like-mindedness and compatibility to some scale; these are the glues that hold a couple together. A marriage blossoms only, when both halves refuse to give up on each other and earnestly push the envelope to keep it on its toes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 16

 

Begetting Love in Arranged Marriages

 

“Arranged marriage turned into a love marriage when the space between them got replaced by tiny adorable smile.”

-The Scribbled Stories

Arranged marriages are quite archaic and still in practice with all its might. For hundreds of years, in every civilization and dynasty, arranged marriages had been a prevalent norm. Princes and princesses of different kingdoms were bound in arranged marriages to foster amicable relations with other nations. To this