21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES by Paul Curtis (large ebook reader .TXT) 📕

the hill
And he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him

# 58

Horsey, horsey don't you stop
Just let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound

# 59

Hark, hark my dogs do bark
All day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down


# 60

Hark, hark the dogs do bark
The chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown

# 61

Here's the church, and here's the steeple
Open the door and see all the people.
No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee

# 62

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,
The people will always shout,
There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)

# 63

Rain, rain go away,
You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again

# 64

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can

# 65

Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester


# 66

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white

# 67

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin

# 68

Ding dong bell
Pussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden


# 69

Jack ate all the lean,
Joan ate all the fat.
They left the platter so clean,
There was nothing for the cat

# 70

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel

# 71

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick


# 72

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you

# 73

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit

# 74

"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"
“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”


# 75

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite

# 76

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls

# 77

Horsey, horsey will you stop
Just stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells


# 78

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a C
And Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ

# 79

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again

# 80
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache
# 81

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”

# 82

Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese

# 83

Higgledy, piggledy, my pet hen
She lays eggs for gentlemen
Well actually well all said and done
She’s an Essex hen and lays for anyone


# 84

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Well she will if we don’t get rid of this useless bloody government

# 85

Star light star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Get my hands in Glenda’s tights

# 86

There was a little guinea-pig,
Who, being little, was not big;
But from its head down to its feet
It was extremely good to eat


# 87

The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town
The vicious ambitious lion
Beat the poor unicorn so cute
But with one final effort
The unicorn killed the great hairy brute

# 88

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,
It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

# 89

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
Sadly this case is not an exception
If only her daughters had used contraception

# 90

The Sandman's coming
In his train of cars
Think! Tiredness kills
Stop at the next services

# 91

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!"

What are big boys made of?
Chips and ales, and chasing girls tails
That's what big boys are made of!"

# 92

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went outside with no trousers on
Both shoes off and no pants on
Along came a policeman “You’re nicked son”

# 93

Seesaw Margery Daw
Johnny shall have a new master
He shall earn but a penny a day
Because his employer is a bastard

# 94

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
Tapping at the window and crying through the lock,
Come on everyone and look at my - undergarments

# 95

What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

What are big girls made of?
"Allure and entice and all kinds of vice
That's what big girls are made of!"


# 96

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
And in the winter snow
It stood out against the white

# 97

One two buckle my shoe
Three, four, Velcro you wore
Five, six, slip-ons you pick
Seven, eight, lace them up straight
Nine, ten, slip-ons again
Eleven, twelve, dig and delve
Thirteen, fourteen, specialist shopping

# 98

One two buckle my shoe
Three, Four, Excuse me miss?
Do you have these in a size 10 sling-back?


# 99

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
And her defence in court would be
She was suffering from PMT

# 100

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks,
When she saw what she had done,
She gave the bitch another one

# 101

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
If you give her ten pounds then anything goes


# 102

Mary had a little secret
She was a bit of a lush
She was not white as snow
But pure as the driven slush

# 103

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She never ate her ride
But ate the lamb of course

# 104

Mary had a little lamb
It died but she wasn’t sad
She did love her little lamb
But she really loved kebabs


# 105

Mary had a little skirt
It was way above knees
And when she sat down
You could see her fleece

# 106

Mary was a little tart
Who really put it about
Young men flocked to her
And none of them went without

# 107

Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock;
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.
But don’t worry it’ll be ok, if you live in Harringay


# 108

The North wind doth blow and we shall have snow
Pavements won’t be cleared and roads won’t see grit
Council employees will sit in the depot keeping warm
While the rest of us citizens have to get on with it

# 109

This is the house that Jack built!
This is mortgage on the house that Jack built.
This is the rat that foreclosed on the mortgage
That was on the house that Jack built.

# 110

Young lambs to sell, young lambs to sell
If I won the lottery how I would yell
If I won so much money that I couldn’t tell
That I could taste and touch and smell
I would never have to cry, "Young lambs to sell"


# 111

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away.
Which is just as well because the Queen of Hearts can’t bake
And if she’d served them to the King he’d have burnt her at the stake

# 112

It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
We should have changed but instead,
We didn’t and we’ll all be dead by morning


# 113

Jack and Jill went into town
To have a drink with each other
They both fell down
Outside the crown
And then threw up in the gutter

# 114

Higgledy Piggledy,
My fat hen,
She lays eggs
Full of Collagen
Good for women,
And good for men,
Higgledy Piggledy,
My fat hen!


# 115

Hey diddle dinkety, poppety, pet,
The Bankers of London should wear scarlet;
As a mark of dishonour to shame them
But they carry on as before these banking men

# 116

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.
He