21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES by Paul Curtis (large ebook reader .TXT) 📕

# 1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score

# 2

It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming

# 3

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon "what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

# 4

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay

# 5

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?

# 6

Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them


# 7

I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine

# 8

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”

# 9

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather


# 10

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand

# 11

This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard

# 12

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother
# 13

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

# 14

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”

# 15

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging

# 16

Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection

# 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake


# 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

# 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
that we get down to it in my room


# 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

# 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

# 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor


# 23

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

# 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

# 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,
Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamber
there I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers


# 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

# 27

Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

# 28

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh shit not again”


# 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,
And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

# 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clock
The clock’s struck dumb
The batteries run down
Useless bloody clock

# 31

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy


# 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,
Tuesdays child is full of pride,
Wednesdays child is fighting fit,
Thursdays child is full of shit,
Fridays child gets out of its brain,
Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

# 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned her
And horny Miss Muffet said ok


# 34

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some bread
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So she ate the doggie instead.

# 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,
One named Peter, one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, away said Paul,
Don’t come back, this is my wall!

# 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine


# 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough

# 38

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
A Pocket full of Posies
"Pig flu! Pig flu!"
We all take a sickie!

# 39

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.
Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost


# 40

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire

# 41

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car

# 42

Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep


# 43

Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,
Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep

# 44

Hickory, dickory, dock
Some mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock


# 45

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pint in the middle of the day
And he called for his cronies three.
Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;
Oh there's none so pissed as can compare
With King Cole and his cronies three.

# 46

Red sky at night,
Arsonist’s delight;
Red sky at morning,
Four minute warning.

# 47

Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?
No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!
Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.
# 48

Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?
Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns

# 49

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC

# 50

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
He was completely shit faced my son John!

# 51

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,
They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all

# 52

I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee

# 53

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
The people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat


# 54

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
After scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.

# 55

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway

# 56

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows


# 57

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of