21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES by Paul Curtis (large ebook reader .TXT) 📕

does it for attention so everyone can see
Because he thinks that he’s a celebrity

# 117

“Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I'm going clubbing, mate," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"Only if you're paying, mate," she said.


# 118

When good King Arthur ruled this land,
He was a goodly king;
But Lancelot did shag the Queen
and that was not the thing
So he killed the queen but spared lance
As he was still loyal to his king

# 119

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a horse
She could never eat her ride
But lamb with mint sauce?

# 120

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
No one was to tease
That everyone agreed
As she was the daughter of Herman Munster

# 121

Mary had a little drink
And got pissed as a cricket
She was found in the woods
Showing the boys her thicket

# 122

Mary loved her little lamb
Every single day of course
But most of all on Sunday
With homemade mint sauce

# 123

When I was a bachelor I lived by myself,
but people told me not to get left on the shelf
So I made up my mind and got me a wife
Too late I realised I had surrendered my life


# 124

Cock a doodle doo,
My wife has lost her shoe;
oh what a convenient confidence trick
Just so she can buy some new

# 125

Little Bobby Snooks was fond of his books,
And loved by his mother and father;
But the kind of books, read by Bobby Snooks,
were pornographic in nature

# 126

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
He must be a Liberal Democrat


# 127

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But Humpty Dumpty couldn’t fall
Because he had to wear a safety harness

# 128

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But so Humpty Dumpty wouldn’t fall
He was sent by the head of human resource
On a three week health and safety course

# 129
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Something to wipe noses
"A-tishue? A-tishue?"
Or if not a hankie

# 130
Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
They had the right approach back then
Blow up the bloody lot

# 131

Oh, Pillykin, Willykin, Winky Wee!
How does the President take his tea?
He takes it with sugar, he takes it with milk,
He takes it in bed wearing pyjamas of silk

# 132

If all the seas were one sea,
What a great sea that would be!
But if all the seas were one sea,
There’d be nowhere for you and me

# 133

I love little pussy,
Now don’t get excited
It’s not that kind of rhyme
That I want to be recited


# 134

Come let's to bed, says Sleepy-head;
Wait a while, says Mo;
Take a blue pill and grab the KY
And we’ll tup before we go.

# 135

Corporal Tim
Was dressed so trim,
He thought them all afraid of him;
But sad to say,
The very first day,
We had a fight,
He died alright,
For lack of equipment, poor Corporal Tim

# 136

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack

# 137

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With there supply of bottled water
What is it with these bloody ramblers?

# 138

Sing a song of Sixth Sense
Haley Joel Osment wonders why
He’s followed every where
By that Bruce Willis guy

# 139

Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all have tea.
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Stop pissing about Sukey

# 140

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Oh I hate runny noses
A tissue! A tissue!
No don’t wipe it on your sleeve!

# 141
Curly Locks! Curly locks! Wilt thou be mine?
You’ll have to wash the dishes coz I’m a lazy swine
But I’ll lay you on a cushion and hold you in esteem
And I’ll make love too you until I make you scream

# 142
One misty, moisty, morning,
When rainy was the weather,
There I met a young man
All clothed in leather
All clothed in leather,
Fitted as tight as his skin
How do you wear it?
How do you move in it?
And what is that squeaking?
# 143

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

They feast and they dine
On stolen food and wine
Then the laughing starts
When Little John farts

# 144

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

Maid Marion comes no more
To the camp of the out laws
Since she saw the merry band
Skipping around holding hands

# 145

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have a pin

# 146

See a pin, pick it up
Then you're sure to have good luck,

See a pin, prick yourself
And end up with hepatitis

# 147

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.
See a pin let it lay,
And you wont be lumbered with a pin all day


# 148

Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time

# 149

Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?


# 150

As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty

As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty

# 151

Cry Baby Bunting
Daddy's gone a-hunting
Well that’s not really true
He’s gone to Tesco’s with my sister Su

# 152

Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
Silly cow

# 153

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey..
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her,
And said, "is that stuff pro-biotic?

# 154

I love sixpence, jolly, jolly, sixpence,
I love sixpence as my life.
Well I don’t actually because it’s only worth 2 ½ p
And what can you buy with that?

# 155

Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring
Then microwave it until the oven pings


# 156

Tom, Tom of Islington,
Married a wife on Sunday,
And that’s all I will tell
Because to be honest it doesn’t end well

# 157

Three wise men of Gotham
Went to sea in a bowl:
Their wisdom was a misconception
They died and that’s natural selection

# 158

There was a little man
Who wooed a little honey;
and she was wooed and wooed and wooed
But not as wude as he


# 159

"Broken chairs to mend"
"Broken chairs to mend"
If I'd not gone to Argos
With money to spend,
I never would cry
"Broken chairs to mend"

# 160

A man of words and not of deeds
Sounds like a politician to me

# 161

Boys and girls come out to play,
The moon does shine as bright as day;
They come with a rug and a packet of three
They come prepared to play carnally


# 162

I do not like thee, Doctor Fell,
The reason why I can now tell;
I only see you when I feel unwell
And you’ll sound my death knell

# 163

Wash on Monday,
Iron on Tuesday,
Bake on Wednesday,
Brew on Thursday,
Churn on Friday,
Mend on Saturday,
Go to meeting on Sunday.
And all on minimum wage
These polish maids are brilliant


# 164

There was an old woman of Leeds
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
until she moved to Lancashire

# 165

Robert Barnes, fellow fine,
Can you shoe this horse of mine?
No, good sir, that I can’t,
Why ever not, fellow fine?
Primarily because I’m an estate agent called Mike
But mainly because that’s a push bike

# 166

Pussy cat Mole
Jumped over a coal,
And in her best petticoat
Burnt a great hole.
And that’s genetic modification for you


# 167

Once I saw a little bird
Come hop, hop, hop;
So I cried: "Little bird,
Will you stop, stop, stop?"
But it didn’t stop
So I shot the little bastard

# 168

Multiplication is vexation,
Division is as bad;
And that’s why they invented the calculator


# 169

Molly, my sister,
And I fell out,
And what do you think
It was all about?

She loved coffee
And I loved tea,
And that was the reason
We couldn't agree!

If you believe that
Then more fool you
She was actually screwing
My husband Hugh

# 170

Little Polly Flinders
Sat down upon cinders,
Cinderella and Polly
Are naughty little girls aren’t they?

21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES

# 001

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
With tattoos on their hips and a stud thru the nose
And a couple of quid buys you a couple of ho’s

# 002

Ride a cock horse to old Kings Cross
To find a lady of the night of course
Who gets down on her knees and gives the best blows
And you can come in her mouth till it comes out her nose

# 003

Mary was a little flirt
With big seductive eyes
And many a lucky lad
Had been between her thighs