In Me by Tiffany Anyel (best android ereader .TXT) 📕

pillow--exhausted.

Last night something…happened in me--I have never felt as alive as I did last night. I had let go--finally releasing my old self: The me that hid--scared at everything and everyone.

The me that let others dictate every thought and feeling she ever had about herself--letting them decide what she was capable of--or worth. Yes the old me died last night--and I hadn’t looked back. Feeling free for the first time--ever.

I had no idea who this new me was--and more importantly what she was capable of but I was more than ready. It was time to feel differently--see things differently. It was time to shine.

Kicking the covers off I get up walking to the bathroom.After I clean my face--getting ready, I skip down to the kitchen.

I see Paul, Sam, John and the guys I had seen last night at the grill—eating what looked like a buffet of food. “Hey everyone,” I finally said gleaming as I came in opening the fridge.

Taken aback they all turned to look at me. Realizing how quiet the room had gotten--and pretending I had no idea why I grab some orange juice popping a strawberry in my mouth closing the fridge.

I go to the table looking at the food, “Wow--yum there are so many choices. Let’s see what do I want?” Licking the juice from the strawberry off my lips—I grab a croissant tearing off a piece.

“So…umm how did you sleep?” Paul finally said as I gulped down the orange juice. Looking at him I smile, “Lovely—and you?”

“Not bad—I was looking for you last night, where did you go?” Instead of answering I walk up to him bending down kissing his cheek, “I bet you were.”

Hearing chuckles across the room I turn and see John stifling a laugh. “What’s so funny John?” Finally catching his breath he replied, “Paul--you put it on him last night. I don’t think I have ever seen him so shocked--and I should know.”

“Is that so?” I say taking another bite of my croissant. Hearing a door shut everyone instinctively turn their heads--hearing footsteps on the steps. Jenn and Lee came walking into the kitchen.

Seeing me in the room they both pause for a moment--and pretending I didn’t see I smile at them, “Hey guys.” Jenn ignores me sitting at the table beside Sam. “Umm Hey,” Lee finally said sitting next to her--looking away.

“How did you sleep?” Jenn looks at me--with pure hate in her eyes. Looking at everyone else she responds pretending to laugh, “We hardly slept—if you get my drift. Lee was on me all night.” Lee looks at her and hearing chuckles around the table--she finally looks at me smiling.

I turn and looking at Lee’s blanked expression as he glanced at me--and not looking away I smile at him saying, “Hmm I wonder why…” Knowing what I meant Lee clears his throat--grabbing his glass taking a drink.

Jenn looks at me, “What is that supposed to mean?” Not knowing I hadn’t meant it for her--I turn to her saying, “Oh, nothing. It’s was an inside joke--you wouldn’t understand.” “Whatever,” Jenn finally said rolling her eyes at me.

And after the room had gotten quiet Jenn finally spoke, “Someone was showing it ‘all’ last night.” Hearing plates clank as everyone froze for a split second--as they tried to hide their expressions—I look at Jenn. She pretends to eat--without a care in the world.

Normally this would have been around the time I would have crawled up with shame--crying my eyes out minutes later. But that me was gone--burned. She was no more.

Seeing everyone stares--as they looked at me. I realize I had started to laugh. Still laughing I look at her, “Jealous Jenn?” Shocked she looks at me, “What?” And looking her dead in the eyes I respond, “Jealous?”

“No!” “No? Stop lying--Jenn. Because I think you are.”

And looking around the table as everyone looked at her--waiting for her to speak Jenn finally spat at me, “You’re the one who’s jealous Kate--of me. You can’t stand that Lee is with me—because you want him for yourself! I see the way you look at him--you secretly wish he was with you!” “Jenn--stop.” Lee says looking at her.

“No Lee it’s okay” I say looking at him, “I started this--so let me finish.” “No! You both need to just stop!” “Fine!” Jenn says getting up from the table storming out of the room.

I take the last bite of my croissant turning to Paul, “Come to me later?” “Ah yes yes of course.” He finally said a little startled. I bend down slowly kissing him on the mouth.

I pull away licking my lips, “Hmm…they do taste as good as they look.” Smiling at him I turn around--winking at Lee as I leave the room.

The Lover in me

At the beach--I finally step into the water. Feeling tingles as my body adjusted to its coolness--I begin to swim farther out. Neck up in water I finally lay back floating with each small current--letting it take me with it as I released my footing.

Completely at ease watching the sky--I see birds flying over and beautiful plump clouds steadily moving with the wind. I let out a breath closing my eyes.

I couldn’t help but think about this morning--fighting with Jenn. I had never done anything like that--I would have never called her out or anyone else for that matter--before. I would have sucked it up--keeping it all inside. Telling myself it made me the ‘bigger person’.

But this morning in my room--after the whole ‘Jenn fiasco’—I had felt so…empowered. Feeling strong, feeling more beautiful--than I ever thought I could.

Realizing I was in control of my own happiness--and feeling worth every bit of it. I realized being the ‘bigger person’ was a cop-out--a way for me to not deal with anything.

Pushing myself even further down into numbness and self-pity--until eventually giving up or convincing myself--it didn’t matter. But it did--it always did.

Underneath the lie--was the truth. What I felt—how I felt--did matter. It always mattered. And pretending nothing bothered me--that I was above it all--was a lie. I felt, I hurt, I cried, I laughed--I was alive just like everyone else.

Ignoring my feelings--ignoring myself wouldn’t change that—even if I thought it did. Even if eventually I had let the lie--become my ‘truth’. It was still there buried underneath all my effort to keep it hidden.

“Kate.” Hearing my name--faintly muffled as my ears were submerged under water—I lift my head.

I see Sam waving as she swam up to me standing up out of the water. A little surprised that it was her--I finally sit up—gaining my footing, “Hey.” She smiles at me saying, “I saw you floating out here--I got a little worried.”

Laughing I respond, “Oh. I’m okay--just enjoying the water. I forgot how much I loved it.” Laughing with me she replied, “Oh I know--every chance I get I come out here. But I thought you had never been to the beach?”

“I haven’t--but I have been in pools before.” She lets out a laugh pretending to hit her head, “Well duh—I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. So…umm are you okay?”

Realizing what she was referring to I smile at her, “Yea I am--better than okay actually, thanks. How is Jenn--is she still upset?”

Looking away she finally lets out a chuckle, “She’ll be fine—this isn’t the first time she has gotten worked up over something--and it won’t be last I’m sure. She’s a hot-headed girl anyway.”

Surprised at Sam’s words--but more than that Sam herself that she was actually here--talking to me—I feel myself smile. I had thought after this morning--I would have been on her shit list for sure—I look at her, “So are you and Jenn close?”

“Not really--I mean I have known her for a while. But I met her through Paul--who I have known all my life. We grew up together—so if you need any dirt--I’m your girl,” she says letting out a laugh.

Stifling a laugh of my own I respond saying, “Well thanks—that’s good to know.” Realizing it had gotten a little awkward at the mention of Paul’s name I look at her, “So you and Paul are pretty close then?”

“Umm…yea I guess you can say that. I mean I have

seen him running around--in his tighty-whities before.” Laughing with her I respond, “Yea I guess so then.”

“So what about you and Lee? You guys are best friends right?” “Yea--well we were but…I dunno. Things have been a little weird between us lately.”

“Yea I can tell--well I mean judging from this morning anyway. Paul told me you guys were like this

,” she brings her hand up and gestures with her fingers--wrapping one finger around the other.

“Yea we are—I mean we were.” And letting out a sigh I continue, “I just hope we can be that way again--I miss him ya know?” Feeling my silent frustration she responds, “I wouldn’t worry about it—I think you guys will work it out.” “Yea I hope so.”

“So…a couple of us are getting ready to play some beach volleyball--would you like to join?” “Yea okay, that could be fun. Yay! Volleyball--another thing I forgot that I loved.”

Smiling at me she gestures with her hands, “Come on then--let’s go wipe the floor with these guys.” And getting up laughing with her--we swam back to shore.


****


“There you are.” I turn and see Paul walking toward me--joining me on the steps. “So I heard about you and Sam’s ass kicking on the beach today.”

Smiling at him I respond, “Yea--well Sam’s ass kicking. I was a little rusty.” He stifles a laugh, “Well I heard differently. Sam has officially declared you as her new team-mate. She likes the way you ‘spike the ball’—I think those were her exact words.” Paul finally said smiling at me.

I glance at him smiling. “Are you okay?” I look at him, “Yea—why?”

“I don’t know--you seem…’far-away’ I guess.” “Oh I’m okay--just thinking.” I finally said putting on what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

The truth was I had so much swimming around in my head--thinking was the last thing I wanted to do. After me and Sam's 'ass kicking'--as Paul put it earlier today. I had wanted sometime to myself--to be alone. Hoping that would...I dunno 'clear' my head.

I had walked on the peer and sat on a bench looking out at the water for I don't how long--admiring the