Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

to death, twice? “

 

 

 

84    New test for Drunken Driving

 

 

Prof KU TTappan the famous juggler of Trivandrum was driving to his next performance at Kovalm Beach. At Enchakkal Junction he was stopped by the police.

Police asked to open up the dicky. To their utter surprise they found a bunch of sharp Knives. Picking one of them and scratching his forehead with its end and with a triumphant look the young Police officer asked him

“ Hi, Do you belong to RSS or Simi? What are those knives doing in your car?”

“I belong to neither Sir I’m Prof KU TTappan,   I’m a juggler”

“ I am not bothered you are Tippu Sultan or some one else. But You’re a smuggler alright? “

“No Sir” said the Juggler “ Im not a smuggler but a juggler! I use them for my show in Taj Hotel tonite” The young police officer did not really get it. Not wanting to show his ignorance , He told Ttappan ”ok   ok! Let me see how you do it”

So Prof Tappan pulled out his three starred special cap from the car and put it on his head. Then he started tossing and juggling the knives with utmost precision.

“ Oh great Go on! I like it” Said the inspector. KU TTappan had no other way , he kept showing different items.

We , Col & me were watching this fun as Col was driving me home from the AOI.. He said with a sigh of relief “ Wow ! thank God! we didn’t have anything today. Look at the new test these chaps making us do now! Though we had nothing today I bet we can’t do it for 5 seconds ! we are in for trouble!”

 

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

 

 

 

 

 

85: Time Management

 

Col who has psc on his shoulders is having a roaring business in Dubai as a consultant. Apart from providing consultancy on so many Communication problems, which he himself has never sorted out in his long career with Army he used to deliver lectures on Management and Consulting in gulf countries only next to our famous Shiv Khera.

 

In one of the sessions he concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these lessons I talked about in detail at home. You may be in trouble at times”

 

”Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

 

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

 

"She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time and wasting precious time.

 

One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at one time and save time and energy as well?

 

“Ohh! does it save on energy & time? Wonderful?” The guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take my wife 30 minutes to fix the breakfast. Now I do it myself exactly in ten minutes”

 

You don’t believe? The consultant genius is back home at Tvm. I can give you his mob No ‘and get his further lessons.

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane”

 

 

 

86   Col’s  Firtst computer! 

 

This happened some time in 1992 when we were still on MS DOS mode. Col was on the learning curve of using computer effectively.

Here's the true record of the tele conversation between the Col and the customer care representative which I could smuggle out!

 

 “ Hello is it the Customer Care Service “

 “ yes Sir May I help you?"

"Yes, well, I am Col ……. I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a C-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

         "Tell them you're too stupid an idiot to own a computer."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?”

 

 

 

 

87 Flying Training

 

 

Col took two months forgo combined with annual leave and ventured in to learn flying since he hard tried very hard to get into Air Op and failed. He signed up in a small airport where there was a pilot training institute. But he was told that they have only helicopter available for training. Col thought twice as an Army man does by training and said

 

"That’s fine, I'll just learn how to pilot a helicopter. In Air op too they have only heptrs”

 

After some ground instructions and after about 100 hrs of flying with the Instructor the day of the solo came and Col was at the command of the helicopter. He goes up 1000 feet with no problem, climbs to 2000 and the instructor asks

 

“ Is everything o.k.”

 

Col responded in right earnest “yes boss everything is going well.”

 

The instructor is very happy to have such a great student and decides to give him the last test, so he orders the Col t climb to 5000 feet, make a turn and land. The instructor goes out to see the landing when suddenly he sees the helicopter falling down in a big lump!

 

Luckily after all that the student pilot was alive, and the instructor asked him, “ Sir , what happened when everything was going so well?

 

Col replied “Boss! nothing happened. It was getting bloody cold over there so I turned the outside fan off."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

 

88  A good Push!

 

On a cool Nov Sunday Col went to bed after few Peter Scots. He was woken up by a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. Col rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.

 

” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolled over. Then, a louder knock followed . So he dragged himself out of bed, went downstairs, opened the door, and found there was a man standing there. It didn't take the Col long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

 

"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," said Col and he slammed the door He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says,

 

"That wasn't very nice of you Hon. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on one old man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy is dead " said the s the husband.

"It doesn't matter," said his wife.

 

” He needs our help and it would be the kindeast thing to help him in this cold night "

 

Muttering to himself Col got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs. He opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouted “ Hey, , do you still want a push?"

 

Then he heard a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger col shouted once again "Where are yhe hell are you. Tell me location Can t see you!”

 

The drunk replied , "Over here, on the swing."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

 

  

89  Sherlock Holmes

 

Col is very fond of Sherlock Holmes At times he bores every one with Sherlock Holmes stories and always claim that he is no less than the famous detective. When in that mood he calls me Dr Watson which I never resisted.

 

During an exercise in Rajasthan desert Sherlock Holmes and Watson had a good meal after finishing of half bottle of Bacardi and went to their 112 pounder and lay down for the night, quickly went to sleep. Some hours later, Watson up and nudged his faithful friend. " Holmes,, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Holmes replied without any sign of annoyance on being woken up from sound sleep.

 

He said "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" I asked him. Holmes pondered for a minute.

 

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

 

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" He asked me

 

I was silent for a minute, then spoke. “ Holmes! sorry to call u an idiot now! Somebody has stolen our tent!"

 

Cols’s Tweet

 

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

 

 

 

90. Col at his best !

 

 

Col after retirement purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He and his wife spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down the street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the Col decided it was time to take some action.

 

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each 20 Rupees every day if you'll promise to come around and do your good work. The kids were so elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans more enthusiastically After a few days,   Col greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. He told them “ "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income and from now on, I'll only be able to pay you RS 10 to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.A few days later,