Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

normally is "Ah, yes; that is not so serious yar. it is technically known as the “blow-up problem’. I have treated that also. Go and get my paper on this published in 2008”

 

Col didn’t know where to go!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

You won't regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up

 

54 Col’s Dream

 

On a Sunday when I was really enjoying the blissful morning half sleep under my velvet quilt the mob rang . Col was on the other end as expected

“ hi Mate listen “ hi I had a wonderful dream yesterday but the end was terrible!”

“Boss keep the dream with you I will listen when we meet in the mess for breakfast. For God sake let me sleep now”

“No yar I will forget if I don’t tell you now,   you have to listen “

 

“Shit! Ok go ahead “ I said . Col never budge once decided on something!

 

He continued “ I was on the beach one day and I found a bottle half buried in the sand. I, with lot of caution, opened it. To my pleasant surprise there was a genie , came out from the bottle.

 

The Genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." I thought for a while about the first wish ‘I think I would love to have Rs 1 crore want to be transferred to my SBI account. POOF! The bank receipt was on my table!

 

Next I wished for a Ferrari Red in color. POOF! There was the car plum red sitting in front of me ” Ohh wonderful “ I thanked the Genie profusely and wished the third " I wish I become irresistible to women." POOF!

 

You know! ‘Unkindest cut of all’ I was turned into a box of chocolates.”

 

I was wondering when Col started borrowing phrases from Shakespeare!.

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; a person who never asks is a fool forever

 

 

55  Who came first Egg or Chicken!

 

One Saturday evening I landed in Indian Coffee House, after so many years. I was surprised to see a table occupied by four Ceta68 oldies entirely different from each other temperament wise, GRC Nair, GH Krishna Iyer, Subash Chandra Bose and SA Thomas. The fifth chair was vacant. I went on and sat down on the vacant chair. None bothered bcos they were involved in a heated discussion. I lit up a cigarette and listened to them keenly.

The discussion was, of all the worldly problems, on who came first the Egg or the Chicken! It was very interesting to hear the arguments floated. GRC was tirelessly trying to prove that Chicken came first which was rebutted ( borrowed from Arnab Gosamy) by Krishna Iyer in his own calm style, in between urging GRC to keep his cool. Both narrated various theories and postulations to prove their point. GRC even quoted the dates and subject lines of various mails that he had forwarded last seven years on the subject. GHK wont agree, he insisted that Egg came first. He would even swear “kottarakkara ganapathiyane Satyam”

SA Thomas intervened “ Bible! it says Eve came out from the rib of Adam. How can it is possible? How Adm can be there before Eve. I asked so many pallilachans, no one can explain! So this egg and chicken problem is also tricky as that” He looked lost in serious thought.

GRC’s words came like Shoib Aktar’s 159 km per hour bouncer, “ come what may I won’t agree! Or you have to prove to me mathematically” he knew well that none present there could come out with mathematical explanations like he himself does so meticulously with so many internet problems. Bose said, “ Just wait let me go home and search out from all those stupid forwards which I never read but sent out to all Ceta68s”

So the discussion was heading nowhere! At last GHK gazed at me with a tired look. I was in a catch 22 situation; I can’t antagonize GRC by siding with GHK or vice versa. I thought for while, then came the Col in his stylish Levis jean and dark Denim Shirt. I was much relieved. I posed the bone of contention to the Col who was greeting every body with his charcterstic smile. “ Hi This is a tricky one, any way let me try” He said and called the waiter and asked him what had been ordered for the evening ? Waiter replied, “ Sir Double Egg Omelets and chicken sandwich, sandwich may take some time, but Omelet is coming straight Sir!” I think the tube light in Col lit up. He announced triumphantly “ Egg comes first & the chicken next, the waiter says so, so it must be taken as conclusive!”

 

I still can’t forget the dig GRC had at Col “ hi! your army brain works on Saturdays?

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Confucius says: "Man cannot exchange woman of forty for two twenties…"”

 

56 Select your own Staff!

Col, when he took over as the Gen Manager of a company( after retirement of course)   found that the standard of typing of his personal secretary was atrocious. So she called the HRD Manager ( another old Maj sab retd) and told him. “ You see I have to tell you very frankly that the typing work of my personal secretary is awful. Will you get some one better for me from any of the other branches ?”

The HRD Maj sab who had been there for some time in the same office found nothing wrong with the person.  So he said” I think she is ok. Has been doing a good job when I was officiating”

“No she is terrible! types advice for advise, imminent for eminent, and so on Doesn’t even know the spelling of entreapreanuer Her GK about the whole world is also so poor, I gave her a small quiz. I asked who is Amarthya Sen and she said Sushmita Sen’s father! I don’t want this incorrigible lady.  Please get some one else”

Maj sab reluctantly sent messages across all branches in the Circle to send a good typist. At last, he selected an ex army clerk from one of the offices. He was asked to report directly to the Col.

Col told him "We have a critical shortage of good typists. You are specially selected for me Ok. Anyway I'll give you a little test. Type this". He ordered giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held an electronic typewriter and an adding machine.

The ex Hav clerk quite reluctant to become a clerk cum typist once gain and that too under another fauji made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. He returned the typed paper with the hope that he would be chucked out instantly.

Col gave the typed copy only a brief glance. Then said “ This is fine! Good work! You join for work at 9. 30 tomorrow, I reach the office early every day Ok “

“But Sir   you haven’t read the paper full “

Col gave him a dirty look and told him “ you passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine and I see you carrying the Manorama Yearbook 2009”

 

 

Col’s tweet

 

I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me.

 

57 : Col and his clock

 

Col is very religious minded and does not forget to pay a visit to Guruvayoor at leaset once a month and leaves Guruvayoorappan in doubt whether Col is more devoted to him or the late “ Leader”. He recently bought single room apartment at Guruvayoor in which he stays whenver he comes to the temple.

During one of his visits to Guruvayoor he got attaracted to   a beautiful Grandfather Clock with a long pendulam and a cuckoo nest in one of the antique shops and decided to buy it for he thought it could seve as a very pleasing gift to his evernagging wife for her birthday nexr week.

After lot of bargaining he could arrive at price of Rs 2000. He asked the owner if he could deliver the clock at his flat which is only 400 metres away. The owner flatly refused to take that responsibility.

Since it was walking distance Col decided to strap the clock on his back and carry it to the flat and started walking. After about 50 metres a well dressed equally faithful Guruvayoorappan devotee came out staggering out of a hotel and bumped into the Col knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits.

Col managed to get up and shouted at the man “ You idiot! You have broken my beautiful clock into pieces. Can’t you see a big thing like this? Are you  drunk?” He looked at the man . He was stunned to see the huge frame of  Subbu on the road, in front of him.

Subbu somehow managed to lift himself up his huge frame and said apologetically “ yes I am but really sorry Sir. Oh! it is you   Col ! Hi, why  the   bllody hell  you don't  wear a wristwatch as every one does rather than this clumsy clock. And I wonder how will you see the time if it is strapped on your back? “

 

Col’s Tweet

 

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

 

58 Blow Hot Blow Cold

 

On a Monday morning Col was relaxing in his elegantly furnished office. He heard a knock on the door and in a flash entered a smart young girl.  

She asked “may I come in Sir”

Col replied “you are already in ? why do you ask then? Any way you are most welcome what can I do for you sweet girl?”

The girl blushed for a moment and then said “Sir. This is our latest model of thermos branded ‘ Blow Hot, Blow Cold’"  She opened the pack and showed him a trendily designed flask. Also gave him a marketing Pamphlet very colourfully designed.  

Col was not much impressed. He asked “What is so special about it?”

“Sir! this is a new generation flask product of Japanese ingenuity which keeps the hot stuff hotter and the cold stuff colder” .  It seems Col fell for it  this time!

” Ohh that is great, really wonderful”

After some bargaining Col bought one for Rs 480 deciding in his mind that it would really please his wife this time at least! .

The next day he arrived at the office and proudly kept his lunch box and the new flask on the side table and got to work.   During lunch hour our friend Maj Mishra walked in . Seeing the new Flask he asked “ Sir you got a new Thermos? So Cute! How much?"

Col said with a glee in his face “500 chips less 20 discount.”

 " Oh! Great but bit costly! what is so special about it?”

“ Hi it keeps hot things hotter & cold things colder “

“ Really ? That is fantastic what have you got now? I also want one” Mishra said

Col replied in a bragging manner “two cups of hot tomato soup & two cups of chill cold Lassi, Like to have  a sip of each? 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning”

 

 

59   Jews in India

 

On a Saturday evening we, Col and me were sipping hot coffee in Coffee House in Connaught Place.  

Two foreigners were sitting in the next table and were talking , may be, in their own language which we couldn’t follow.

I said to Col “Boss it seems that they are from Israel” ” How do you know” “you don’t have a Sherlock Holmes brain Boss! Cant you see the EL Al tag on their bag?

Col was impressed “ Mate you are smarter than me! ‘’

“ Always” I replied with a grin

“ By the by