Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

in those days. My wife used to play Mahjong with other ladies and invariably she comes back every day saying “ today is not lucky for me!” I used to tell her “ you are like the Sardarji who goes to the same movie everyday wishing for the train to come late!”

 

My Boss, Col used to tell me about his golf exploits and his handicap is 18 he says! But I have never seen him anywhere near a golf course!

 

One Sunday I coaxed him to go angling with a promise to his wife that we would be back with a full bag of Sardines! We went to Teesta river, waited for almost all day, caught nothing! We saw another fauji walking by with a huge load of fish.

 

Col asked him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

 

 

This fauji with lot of gusto replied though giving us a dirty look “If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are plenty of hungry fish."

We thanked him and went on our way down the stream. Fifteen minutes later, Col said “ Hi fill this bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dipped the bucket in the stream and drank some. "Nope. Still salty."

 

30 minutes later, he asked himself to check again. "Nope, still salty." After one hour we checked   again. "Nope. Still salty."   Col Said

 

"This isn't good,"   I said "We have been walking for almost two hours now and the water is still salty!" "I know," said   Col "And the bucket is almost empty!"

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair. Ask Brig Sasi if   you have any doubt!”

 

 34 How to get a good ACR ?

 

Col, when he was a Major, was quite perturbed about his ACR (Annual Confidential Report) because it weighs heavily when he is considered for promotion to the next rank. “If I don’t get 8 plus I may not make it and i'm ruined then” He used to tell me quite often “ I heard the Old man (Commanding Officer) is too stingy in giving marks!”

 

He asked me “ hi would it help if I sent a couple of Blue Labels neatly wrapped as a gift on his coming birthday”

 

“ Oh No! This man is too strong and objective to be bought by Blue Labels or Royal Salutes! It would definitely prejudice him against you. He might even give you 6! So don’t get involved with stunts like this, Ok “

 

After two weeks Col came to me, he was in a extremely joyous mood “ you know the old man gave me 8.2! Thanks for the tip about the Blue Label it worked”

 

“I'm sure you would have been cooked if you'd sent them." I said

 

"But, I did send them." Col told me with a glee in his eyes

 

"What? You did?"   I asked

 

"Yes. That's how I got 8.2 I think."

 

"I don't understand," said I

 

“ Hi you are a Kaddu, it is so simple I sent the bottles in right earnest, but enclosed the visiting card of Major Chopra, that idiotic company Commander of A company !”

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“I've never learned anything from someone who agreed with me”.

 

 

 35  Missed offer

 

Col was frantically in search of a job after retirement from Army, because he found it very difficult to stretch both ends meet! Ultimately he was called for an interview by a reputed Bangalore firm. After a detailed interview the interviewing officer, a polished Sardar, said, “ I think you might meet our requirements in the Administrative side. We will send you an offer shortly. And what starting salary were you looking for?"

 

Much relieved, Col replied “In the region of Rs 2 Lakhs per month, depending on the benefits package." He remembered his wife’s caution ‘ask for a high salary and you may land up at least the half way’

The interviewer enquired calmly "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Hyndai Accent and a young and beautiful secretary?"

 

Col was overwhelmed and asked "Wow! Wonderful Hope you are not kidding!”

 

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, of course, but you started it."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

‘You must have been thinking all the time that I am a nut case! Now I also have started feeling the same!”

 

 

36 Col has brains too!

 

Col was driving to Pirappancode in his newly acquired i10 on a Sunday morning. Near the turning in front of Mar Ivanios College his car hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

 

He stopped the vehicle and within no time few locals surrounded him. He explained what had happened and told them that he would pay compensation for the dead calf. He asked them how much the calf was worth.

 

One of the locals, may be the ring leader, wearing a coloured trade union uniform raised his head above every one and told Col “ Oh   Sir it might be around Rs 500 now. But in six years it would have been definitely worth more than Rs 5000 I am sure! If you pay Rs 5000 now you can go”

 

Col thought for a while, sat on his car, pulled out his cheque book from the dashboard, wrote a self cheque for Rs 5000 and handed over to the ring leader. He collected the cheque with that trade union brand smile and allowed Col to go. Col thanked him and drove off .

 

As he sped away he yelled at the leader “Be careful! the cheque is for Rs 5000 and is postdated six years from now."

 

Col Tweets

 

“If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else”.

 

37   Expert Engineers

 

Three old retired chief engineers, one from KSEB, one from PWD and one from PWD Mech Wing and Col were on a holiday trip to Bangalore. They hired a Meru Cab for going around the city.

 

On the way the car broke down, the driver got out for a look as to what happened.

 

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, said the Mech Chief Engineer.

 

“Oh No!” Says the Civil Engineer from PWD “ According to me, my vast experiences suggests that the carburetor must be flooded and the sluice valve must have gone, needs immediate replacement”

 

“Noo! You both are wrong it is an earthing problem you have to check for the faulty plug lead “ said the old man from KSEB  

 

Now all turned to Col who was silent so far

 

"Hi What do you think”   Col scratched his head for a moment and then said “ Ummmm, perhaps it is a booting problem! We get out of the car and get back in” You know that he is a Communication Engineer !

 

By this time the driver came to them and told " Sir! you all have to get out and have fresh air for few minutes. The rear tyre is flat, I will change in 5 minutes”.

 

Col looked at others and asked “ Didn’t I say so?   You have to reboot?“

 

Col;s Tweets

 

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all!

 

38   Col is really great!

 

Col the Great was driving home in his Jonga one night from the DSOI in Mhow. He accidentally (?) overturned the vehicle in to the paddy field by the roadside. Major SK Sharma who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to Col

 

"Hey are you   ok? Forget your troubles, Come in and have a drink, I'll help you to get the Jonga up tomorrow morning "

"That's mighty nice of you," Col answered "but I don't think GPV would like it "

 

"Ohh come on yar, hell with GPV!“ Major Sharma insisted.

"Well okay,” Col finally agreed, and added, "but GPV surely won't like it."

 

After a few drinks and a heavy dinner, Col thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know GPV is going to be really upset and he will screw me tomorrow !”

 

"Don't be foolish!" Sharma said with a smile. "By the way, where is Major GPV?”

 

"Under the Jonga”

 

Col Tweets

 

“The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities. So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh!”

 

 

39 : Col gets a job!

 

After retiring from Army Col went for a job interview as Gen Manager of a commercial firm. At the place of interview he found number of others applying for the same job. He said to himself ”I’m cooked! Anyway let me have a try “

 

After a long wait he was called in. The interview board chairman, a immaculately dressed Sardarji, went through his CV and then asked

 

“Oh you are from Army?”

 

“Yes very much! from Signals”

 

“ Oh you are a communicator?

 

Col said with a stiff face” Yeah That is right”

 

“Ok tell me what is 10x10 ?”

 

Col got lost what a stupid question to ask. Is he taking me for a ride? He thought there was some catch in it. Took out his mobile, got the calculator and tried 10x10 . It showed exactly 100. Col though confused, was not to be fooled . He looked straight to the interviewer’s face and answered 99.999!.

 

Sardarji nodded in agreement!

 

After some more routine questions he was told to wait outside.

 

After others were finished the Sardarji appeared in right earnest and announced

 

“Gentlemen I am pleased to inform you that Col ….. has been selected for the job. He had shown wonderful application of mind and fantastic lateral thinking ability which you need in a Gen Manager. All others being equal, to our stock question what is 10x10 he gave the answer 99.999 which amazingly the closest. All others’ were wrong for they answered 100. You know in Business we don’t need any one who is absolutely right, we need some one who would leave some space for the top management to take decisions and room for improvement ”

 

So you find Col as the Gen Manger of PanAsia in TVM .

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

 “You must be very careful with two people; a young Doctor and an old Barber”

 

 

40 Sharp Memory

 

Col met one of his old   friends in the Coffee House few days back . Had nice chat and promised to meet again on Sunday evening at   Col’s place.

 

The friend promptly reached Col’s House in the evening, but on Saturday

 

Col greeted him well but asked “ Hi you said we meet on Sunday?”

 

“I am sorry I thought it is Sunday today”

 

“No probs!” Col said “You know, both of us are having some memory problems? But you don’t worry now! I had been to a wonderful memory clinic the other day. The Doctor is fantastic; she gave me two doses of medicine. Now I am fully ok!”

“Wonderful! Tell me his name and address I would also like to consult him”

 

“ Ok” Col thought for a while and asked, “ Hi what is that you find in plenty in a pond?

 

“ Hi are you kidding? Frogs?”

 

“No”

 

“Neerkoli”

 

“ No yar it is a flower”

 

“Ohh I got it ‘Ambal Poo’”

“ Shit! Can’t you get another flower?”

 

“Ohh I tell you Thamara”

 

“You are very close, tell me what poets call them”

 

The latter thought and said “yes! Pankajam? Sarasijam?

“ Nooo! A simple one yar”

 

“ Yes Kamalam “

 

“Yes yes now u got it thank you!” The Col turned towards the kitchen and yelled “ Kamalam dear! What is the name of that clinic where we went day before? Noo no yesterday!”

 

Col’s