Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

now!

 

‘ “One night when coming out the Army institute after a heavy cocktail my i10   was stopped by Police, may be for random checking. An old ASI came to the driver’s window and told me “Sir, may I see your driver’s license?"

 

I said, ”Well, Inspector I don't have a license, it was given to my agent for renewal."

 

The inspector got suspicious and said" What?   do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

 

I was unmoved and told him "No, the car is not mine! I stole it from the Institute I am pretty sure I saw a registration book in the dash board when I put the gun in it."

 

The inspector stepped back " you say that there is a gun in the dash   board?” I made a huge sigh and said, "Yes inspector, I dumped that idiot of a driver in the dicky”

 

The officer stepped toward the back of the car and said ,” Give me keys, don’t get out now ok! I am calling for backup."

 

The ASI called for backup and with in ten minutes another highway patrol van pulled aside. A smart young MVI got out, walked to driver's window slowly and asked me for my driver’s license. I coolly pulled out my purse from the hip pocket and said," Yes inspector here it is, right here."

 

The inspector checked the license and found nothing wrong! “Sir I am afraid there is a gun in the dashboard” I controlled my laugh and said “Inspector why would there be a gun in my dashboard?" I opened the dashboard and showed it to the eagerly waiting MVI, there was no gun!

 

Now the inspector asked me to open the dicky because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. I   straightaway agreed and opened the dicky, to utter surprise of the MVI. There was no body but only a spare tyre and   a jack. !

 

Totally confused the MCI told “ Sir I do not understand, that idiot of the ASI said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, no papers, there was a gun in the dashboard and a driver's body in the dicky. I m really sorry, You may go Sir” he politely handed over the key back.

 

I put my gear on first and looked at the baffled MVI and said “Yeah, and I'll bet he would have said this old fart was over speeding & drunk too! Thank you! You came in time!’’

 

I drove off humming " I have a great story to tell my wife” , I could see the MVI giving a dressing down to the poor ASI’

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Accepting the essence of who you truly are is the beginning of enlightenment." Hi did u understand anything?

 

14   Hope this won’t happen to you!

 

It was some time in 1975. Col and I both young captains were doing the Junior Commanders Course in MCTE. One Saturday evening we all got together as usual in the mess and kept the bar open over midnight, naturally boozing around. Morris, English speaking stout old man in his fifties with a big mustache, the NO1 in the bar patiently waited for all of us to finish and go to the dining hall. At last around 2 pm he locked up the bar and went home to sleep.

 

He might have been in bed hardly for 10 minutes when his phone rang. “Morris! Morris is that You? What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man’s voice. Morris, half asleep was furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice asking the same question.

 

” Hi Morris this is me here what time do you open up in the morning?” I think he recognized the voice. He replied in an irritating tone

 

” Sab there’s no sense in asking me at this time as to when I would open the bar! I swear by Lord! I am not going to allow a person in your condition in again come what may, you have already broken three cut glasses”

 

“ No Morris I don’t want to get in,”

 

I interjected “I want to get out!”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on”.

 

15   Nice Son-in-law!

 

Col’s young daughter brings her boy friend to meet her parents. During the elaborate dinner she tried all she could to explain to the parents how good a man he is and how best they would be blessed to have a Son- in –law in him.

 

But her mother was not so convinced though Col seemed much impressed with the young man !

Col’s wife asked her husband “ Dear why don’t you have a detailed chat with him and find out whether he really loves her”

 

Col invited the young man to his library and over another drink asked him “So what are your plans?”

 

“I am a Torah scholar.” He says.

 

“A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the Col says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?”

 

“I will study,” the young man said, “and God will provide for us.”

 

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the Col.

 

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

 

“And children?” asks the   col again “How will you support children?”

 

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the young man .

 

The conversation continued like this, and each time the Col   questioned, the young idealist insisted   that God will provide.

 

Later,the eagerly waiting mother asked , “How did it go, Honey?”

 

Col answered nonchalantly “ Hi absolutely fine! “He has no job and no plans!, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“No one has more driving ambition than your grandson who wants to buy a car!”

 

 

16  Playing Golf Col’s way!

 

You know Col had been a good golfer in his younger days, that is what he claims!. Still he enjoys golfing and visits the golf club every Sunday.

 

"How is your golf going on dear?" asked Col’s s wife one day “ Are you winning these days?

 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

 

"But you're nearing 65 dear " admonished his wife, "you have to grant that age is catching up.” Why don't you take Col GPV along “?

“But he’s 67 now and doesn’t play golf anymore! Lazy chap!" Protested   Col

  ”But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” She told   him.

 

Next Sunday day Col got GPV with him.   He teed off and GPV looked on watchfully. Col swung and the ball high and long and it disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

 

"Do you see it?" asked Col  

” Of Course “ GPV replied

"Well, where is it?" yelled Col peering off into the distance. 

 

“I saw where it was going, but I just can’t recollect where exactly “ GPV said sheepishly  

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Confucius says: Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.”

 

 

17   Presence of Mind !

 

Col after a long wait and longer thought disposed off his old Maruthi and went for a Hyundai i10 recently. One evening he took me for a drive on the highway to Kovalam. The evening wind was cool and pleasant and road was not so busy with traffic. Hence so he decided to open up a bit.

 

As the needle jumped up to 110 kmph, I felt bit nervous and saw the flying patrol of Police following and flashing red and blue lights behind us. "There's no way they can catch my i10! Idiots !!” Col told me and opened it further; the needle hit 115, 120.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?", The gentle man in him rose up and he pulled over to the side.

 

I knew we were in trouble, picked up my stylish Golf cap and put it on, for it had saved me from many embarrassing situations like this. The police jeep caught up. Emerged a police officer as baldy and stocky as the Col himself.

 

He came to us and asked Col for his license. He checked the license without a word and peeped into the car. I sat stiff as I could without a blush. “ Ohh! Sir you are from Delhi ? It's been a long day and I’m on the end of my shift and today is 1st of Vrichikam and a   Monday. I don't feel like to start the month with decent people like you and waste my time on paper wok. But can you give one plausible reason for your excellent speed that I haven't seen before all these years. Then you can go’"

 

Col thought deep for a while, then said ”Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

The Police officer was totally lost and then with a real Innocent trademark laugh told him “ I like your presence of mind Sir! You may go, but be careful! our roads are not as smooth as those in Delhi”

 

More lost was I. I asked   Col “ Boss! which wife of yours yar? the first or the second one? “

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars”

 

18 : Boss! you are a genius!

 

One night while I was fast asleep after two Chivas Regal which my friend Dennis had brought from Oman I was woken up by mob ringing up at peak volume. Col’s name flashed. Before I could switch on my vocabulary he started. ” hi Mate let me tell you one thing. This Trivandrum city is beautiful”

 

I was in my wits end “ Come on Boss we talk tomorrow let me sleep now”

 

“No yar this is fantastic you must listen! I am reading out to you why Trivandrum is great? I got it from a mail of a friend of mine!

  

“ Every one you meet on the MG road has some one in US.

You find cars in front of you are often driven by nuts or idiots of first rder, he will never give u a pass!

You find digging the roads by different authorities in different uniform every other day.

You say “Statue” Every one knows where it is, but no one knows whose it is.

You haven’t been to State Library at least once! That is for the so called elite groups !

Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting and waiting to pass a minister’s cavalcade.

You find three cops, invariably one WC, directing you to four different roads.

Your purchases include a gift coupon of some kind -- houses and cars or soapboxes, without which you cant get home and face your wife !

You’ve a worn out car horn.

You find a Rs 5 lakh elephant atop on a Rs 50, 000 Pickup van.

You find every girl in churidar holding a mobile on her ear walking briskly passing you!.

You find young boys drive bikes with one hand holding the handle the other a mobile on his ear, still balancing!

You are yelled at with lot of respect “ Ammava Othungi Pokkoode chavan vannu Kerikko? They don’t call you “Chetta” belittling you as you often experience in Ernakulam.

 

You can get into an argument with an auto driver about the fare to take you from Rama Rao lamp to Eastfort and then decide to walk!

 

You would then ask where the RamaRao lamp is?

 

You have a middle aged woman relative in your flat, the security chap spreads a rumour straight away

 

Lastly u go the office late and leave the office early so