Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

Then our friend, the self appointed master of ceremonies grabbed the mic, looked at Col with admiring eyes and told him. "Dear Friend, we are really proud of you. You have done a wonderful job for all of us. I know how much you could be disappointed in not being bestowed with the Vir Chakra you really deserved. But I am sure you would have definitely been approved had you cut their heads off instead of their limbs, they are enemies of the country."

Col calmly replied controlling his emotions “You know I also thought the same, but somebody had already done it!"

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Don’t expect others to behave, as you would want them to behave, even your spouse for that matter!

 

 

06  Flight to London

 

The other day a friend of mine rang me up from Mumbai.

“Hi how are you? How is Trivandrum treating you? Hope the “cattle class” storm unleashed by Shashi Tharoor has died down? “ He asked

“I am fine, Hope you are too. The Lavalin affair has again taken lead over the cattle class” I replied.

Ha asked, “Hi, you know any Colonel from Trivandrum going to London? He was with me last week when I flew to London by the King Fisher flight from Mumbai.”

“No I can’t place any one, mmm... what happened?”

“Nothing great to worry! Now I know how kaddus are you people from Army”.

He continued.’“In the flight one seat was vacant next to me in the front row of the Economy class. The airhostess, pretty one of course! and the handsome looking flight steward were at a loss as to where is the missing passenger. Suddenly they found one passenger extra in the Business Class. Much relived the airhostess, by the by Sangeetha is her name ok, went to the gentleman seated, comfortably reading Times of India, in the last but one row of the Business class. I noticed him when I heard him saying” No madam I’m a Colonel of the Indian Army and I will sit wherever I feel like”, he was a stocky, little bald, dressed in a beige suit, I could make out from the crumbles on the shoulder, taken out of the box recently. The air hostess told him something very softly which I couldn’t hear.’Busineess Or Economy I couldn’t careless, I’m not going to move from here ok madam’

By this time the flight steward joined Sangeetha and told something to him. The Colonel was bit angry this time ‘ look! I have made it clear I’m a Colonel from Trivandrum going to London. I'm not going to shift my seat. Can’t I travel as I wish? His facial expression could beat Shobhana in Manichitrathazhu any day! The poor airhostess and the steward didn’t know where to go. Hope they haven’t seen Manichithrathazhu otherwise they would have fainted. I saw the desperate steward heading for cockpit. In a minute the Captain, I think he was, came along with him. He leaned to the belligerent Col and whispered something in his ear. No one could hear what he said. To my utter surprise, without any signs of anger or discomfort the Colonel lifted up his stocky frame from his seat, came and sat next to me presenting me with a subtle smile. After making himself comfortable and putting the TV in front on he asked “to London?”  I nodded in affirmative. He continued “me too, my son is there in London. You see both those beautiful little girl and the guy there are idiots of the first order. Poor captain!, you know a nice guy, had to come all the way from the cockpit to tell me that the Business Class goes to Frankfurt and not to London. Why those idiots didn’t tell me in the first place?” I had my heart in the mouth, controlled myself and smiled back

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Take Life as a game not as a treasure hunt; or you will miss all the fun”

 

 

 

07   PP Three Kick Rule

 

Couple of months back Col went on a shikar in the out skirts of his farm at Poonjar where our classmate and friend Karia resides. Some one had told the Col that there are plenty of partridges in that area. He found himself that the statement was true, for he could shoot down four of them even though he had to fire 38 shots! But as luck would have it one of the birds fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the farm fence.

As Col climbed over the fence, a baldy and stocky old man in his lungi and a funny looking T-shirt came running and asked Col what he was doing. With an audacious look Col responded, "I shot four partridges and one of them fell in this field. I'm going to retrieve it.” It seems that the old man straight away recognized the indignant Col as one of his batch mates. But, he thought he would have some fun with this guy. He replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here”

It annoyed the Col more. He said "I am a Col of the Indian Army and one of the finest shooters of my time and, if you don't let me get that bird I'll sue you on court and also take the hell out of you”

The old man gave a characteristic grin and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in this Panchayat. We settle small disagreements like this with the PP Three-Kick Rule.” The Col was lost. He asked “PP three-Kick Rule?"

Our old man replied the “Poonjar Panchayat Three-Kick Rule” He explained further. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Col quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old baldy customer with his boxing experiences in IMA! He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old man slowly and steadily walked up to the defiant Col. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Col’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the Col so much pain, butterflies flew in his stomach, that he was just to give up.

However, Col summoned every bit of his energy and will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old country idiot, now it's my turn.” The Col got ready for his first kick. Before he could take off  the old man laughed aloud and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the partridge, for sure if it were a wild boar I would have made you mince meat". Suddenly the Col ‘s tube light lit up “ Hi you are Karia! Still carrying on with the same old tricks?”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Never consider yourself less than anyone, though never consider anyone less than yourself”

 

 

08  Use your brain, if you still have one!

 

The other day I happened to be part of a hilarious scene which I cannot but share with you all. It was in front of the entrance door of the A compartment of Banagalore bound Garib Rath,  with Lalu Prasad Yadav trademark, at the Kochu Veli Stataion.

I saw my CET class mates Subramony and Ramkumar were engaged in a heated discussion as to how they could get into the compartment because the door width was not broader enough to allow them to pass through!   Incidently I should mention here that Subramony has reached the threshold level of horizontal expansion God had ever designed for humanbeings! And Ramkumar is one above Subbu bcos he has overshot the vertical expansion bench mark too!

I felt miserable since my army brain (empty most of the time) could not find a solution. To my rescue I saw Col walking majestically to us in his own inimitable style.

“ hi guys what is going on here” he asked with his customary grin. You all are coming to Bangalore? Iwas wondering how could I polish off this Baccardi before I land in Bangalore” he said pointing to his carry bag

“ Boss im not coming these guys are !”

Before I could finish Subbu tried to expalin his problem in Tamil, English and Malayalam in that order as only he can ! 

Col thought for a moment, and then yelled “ Rotate ”.

All three of us were flabbergasted. “Rotate what?” I asked with the most innocent look which I could muster.

Col asked in a very confident voice   “You fools! Haven’t you seen Picasa? Cut, crop or rotate. You can't cut and crop these two gentlemen; it would be an awkward sight for others! So apply Rotate 90 degrees and enter smoothly”. Subbu’s tube light lit. He rotated his huge frame 90 degrees and entered the compartment easily, Ramkumar following the suit, of course bending down to safeguard his head.

I was bit amused. I told Col “ Boss you are a genius. For the last forty years I have never seen you coming out with a working solution for any prblem!   Keep it up! Had you not come in time Garib Rath would have gone with out these two 'Garib Men',

Col replied “ Hi mate! “ you know now that I have brains, but I seldom use IT”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“You no longer get caught for over speeding even if you are drunk or otherwise bcos you get fear of speed”

 

 

09  God save the country !

 

 

Recently Col had been to US for a short Visit to his daughter, which spanned ultimately to six months (you and I know that the short visit in our context means babysitting for his newly born granddaughter!).

A couple of days before he rang me up from his home at Poojappura and said “Hey”. I was bit surprised to hear this ’hey’ for I have never heard him using this “Hey’ because his first words on phone always had been “ Mate! this is me”

He asked in a very painful and artificial American accent “Hey mate how do you do?’, surprised more, I replied as innocently as I could ”as every one does’”

“ You know it sucks here, too bloody hot! ”

Actually it was raining and the atmosphere was bit cool and pleasant. I didn’t know how it sucks. I asked ”How was your trip? Nice?”

“ Shit! You drop in here I will tell you”

“Ok in half an hour” I said.

I took an auto and reached his home, I saw him from distance waiting for me in the verandah. He was in a Bermuda and a sleeve less round necked blue T shirt with the words ’90 % of women are beautiful, the rest 10 % are in my office’ embossed on his chest. My God! I have never seen him other than in Kitex Lungi and a slack shirt at home ! What a change in three months, I whispered to my self!

He extended his hand, shook mine saying “ Hey man, u have become chubby!” Chubby? I searched my mind dictionary for a while. He kept on telling me “It sucks! Terribly hot here” and led me to his drawing room.

Next came the most unexpected question “ Hey dude! Care for a Margaritta, really great”? I was lost. Who the hell is this Margaritta? and that too at this odd time at 2 pm! I really didn’t want to be belittled myself by showing my ignorance “‘No thanks, I am on fast today” He caught me straight and explained with a subtle grin

 “ hey, Margaritta, cocktail, classic taste of Mexican Tequilla Triple Sec, fresh lime and sours. Either straight up or on the rocks. Man! You will love it I bet”

Oh God! Where am I? Am I with the same old Col who never had nothing morethan rum if   my knowledge serves me right!

“Man!” I couldn’t stand any further; I hate to be called man.  “‘Look here Boss,   you have any doubt if I am not a man? Mate is absolutely fine as before”

“Ok Ok