Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

town”

 

Col stood there dumbfounded.

 

Then another heftily built man in immaculate attire came and put a coin in the slot. The computer came up with “ You weigh 224 pounds, you’re divorced, one child and you’re on your way to Delhi where your business is!”

 

Col asked the man “Are you divorced and on our way to Delhi?”

 

“Yes.” Replied the man.

 

Col was amazed.

 

Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes put on his DSSC blazer and dark glasses. He went to the machine again. After ensuring that no one is seeing him he put another coin in the slot. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married with three kids and you just missed your flight No 502 to Trivandrium!’’

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad Ceta68’s fwds”

 

 

27 Good bargain

 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new i 10 advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, our Col dressed in black jeans and a brown Denim jacket and wearing Gucci shoes and Ray Ban   sunglasses, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,

“ If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

Col parks his car, whips out his Dell Notebook computer.

He connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The old man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Pam Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 10-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet Printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd.

He watches the old man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the Col stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the old man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? “

Col thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re an Army Officer that too retired” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says Col.   “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted   to get paid for an answer, I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know a crap about my business....Now give me back my dog!"

 

 Col's Tweet 

 

"Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side."

 

 

 

28 Trip to heaven .

 

Rev Father Thomas Purakkan walked into the Metro bar and said to the first man he met " Karia! Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

Karia said enthusiastically "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this bar right now!"

 

And approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven Johny?”

"Certainly, Father," was Johny’s reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to third man on the bar desk.

 

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," The old guy said emphatically.

 

 

The priest looked at him right in the eye, and then said, “ Col! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Col had a hearty laugh. Then said "Oh Father! when I die, yes, Father I would love to! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now by the next flight . I can’t make it today, there is a golf tournament starting tomorrow”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me up in cellar!”

 

 

29 Three Doors

 

We had been to Goa in 2008, Col, Murali, MGK, Murthi and myself. We were staying in the 2 STC Officers' Mess at Altino, Panjim. On the first day we roamed around North Goa during day and spent a lovely evening having dinner on the side of the beautiful swimming pool in the mess with the usual prefixes of Foster/ Old Monk/ Baccardi / Royal Challenge as per one’s choice with accompaniment of delicious snacks ranging from moongphally to fish fingers and sheek kabab, courtesy the Malayali Mess NCO.  

 

The second evening after a hectic trip to South Goa and a lovely cruise on board ‘Santa Monica’ we got back to the swimming pool for the evening. MGK said “what the hell yar!   Every beach is same, only people are different! Why should we go from one place to another and waste our time and fuel? Tomorrow lets spend whole day here in this beautiful rendezvous!” All agreed!

 

At about 10 pm when the spirit level started showing upward tilt Col said “hi I want to speak to my wife, lest she should be worried where I got lost! Ohh shit! I left the mob in my room! I am back in one minute ok”. Though his speech was coherent his bulky frame had a bit of dangling movement which one could see.

 

Even after 15 minutes Col was not back. “Ochasiromoni, he must have lost the way to the pool!” said Murali, then ordered me in his inimitable style “why don’t you ring up and find out”.

 

I dialed his mob no from my mobile with ‘Spkr On’. After few minutes we all heard the distressed voice of Col “ hi I’m in shit, I can't get out of my room. Here are only three doors, one is to the shower, second one to the closet and third one have a sign on it ”Do Not Disturb”!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac bcos you are beyond that stage and beyond BLR ( Beyond Local Repair).

 

 

30 Spelling Mistake

 

One night Col was driving back from the Institute in his good old Royal Enfiled, which he keeps still, to Vanchiyoor where he was staying at that time! He took the safer route to Vanchiyoor from the Institute to Edappazhinji and then to Jagathy and then to his home to avoid any Police checking in front of Trivandrum Club ..

 

As soon as he reached Edappazhinji he came across a man lying fully drunk on the center of the road. A good senior citizen that he is, Col dialed 100 for help from his mobile, don’t ask me how Ok !

 

The operator on the other end asked him where he was and   who he was. Col replied “I’m   Col …… I am at Edappaazhinji now Here is a man lying on the road . He may cong off any moment “

 

“Where u said Sir ?” The cop may be new to Trivandrum , He asked “ Would you kindly spell the name of the place Sir ?”

 

“ E-a—d” Col began “ No it is E- d- p-pa,   No No   I’m sorry it is E-d-a-pp-h-“ Oh shit ! I can’t spell it. Hi Just wait! Let me drag him to Jagathy I will call you back in 15 minutes from Jagathy Ok !”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“When you’re right hundred times no one remembers. But when you’re wrong once, your spouse will never forget!”

 

 

31 Emulate him if you are in distress !

 

Col calls his son in Huston and tells him" Monu, I have something to tell you something very important but bit disgusting ok. . However, I don't want to discuss it in detail. I'm merely telling you because you're my elder child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

 

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." Col said

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 38 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her too. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No! I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Onam I will hold off seeing the lawyer until Onam is over. Call your sister and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, the Col receives a call from his daughter in London who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving day after tomorrow. "Monu told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." The old man promised .

After hanging up from his daughter, Col turns to his wife and says, "Well Memsab, it worked this time for Onam but what are we going to do next time for Diwali ?

 

Col Tweets

 

“Haven’t you reached the age where the happy hour is a nap!”

 

 

32  Driving Hazard

 

One Evening Col was driving at break neck speed to reach the Insitute before 7 pm since bar opens at 7 pm. Nearing Vazhuthacadu Junction he had to stop for a while for the signal. Col   switched off the engine to save Petrol foreseeing that the petrol prices would be hiked next week!

 

In a minute the traffic light turned Amber and then Green. After a deep sigh Col tried to start the ignition. Ohh! the engine was not starting despite his best efforts and the traffic was held up in blocks behind him and horns were blowing crazy!

 

A traffic Inspector rushed to his car and politelty asked “ Sir What is the matter? Don’t you like any of our colours? Or are you colour blind? If it is the first one kindly consult a psychiatrist immediately!   If it is second one no eye specialist can cure the problem! In either case I suggest you stop driving!! We will push your car to the side . please ring up and get your driver”

 

Col overheard the muttering   of the Inspector as he walked away   “ Fauji ! I don’t Know how he got into the Army with such handicaps!”  

 

 

Col’s Tweet  

 

 

“Things you buy now won't wear out, but you need an old steel box to preserve all those.”

 

33  Angling Experience

 

Hi ! You know Angling, Golfing , Bridge for gents and Mahjong for ladies are some status symbols in army!

 

I used to go angling since I never played golf because of the mere fact that it is too costly and one half set even costs 20 K