Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (interesting books to read .TXT) 📕

are there Jewish people born and raised in India ?”

“I really don’t know Have to ask some one”

“Lets ask the waiter, he is the only fella available here”

When the waiter came by, Col asked him, “Are there any Indian Jews?”

The waiter said, “I won't be knowing Sir, but I will ask the Chef.” He returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'

Col wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, ”Are you absolutely sure?”

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'respectable patrons' gave the expected answer, “'I check again Sir “ and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Col said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Thes guys are scattered   all over the world”

The waiter returned and said,”The Chef, the Captain and my boss all say there is no Indian Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Col asked once again, “'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'”

“ Sir! You look like you are from Fauj ! Faujis don’t trust any one! keep on checking and rechecking! I asked EVERYONE,'” replied the frustrated waiter.

“'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews ! - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

 

 

60 What is your story today?

 

Col was was trying out his new i10 Hyundai driving at 100 Kmph in Kovalam High way. Suddenly he saw a Police patrol car in his mirror getting closer to him.

 

‘What the Hell? He can’t catch me   this is i 10’ he thought himself and drove faster, the meter was going from 115 to 120. He saw the police patrol still catching up! Better sense prevailed it seems . He pulled up the car to a side

 

“Humm Kerala Police is really smart” he told himself.

 

The patrol car pulled up on his side waving to stop. Finally Col brought his i10 to a screeching halt.

 

The police officer Col asked bit perplexed

 

The Inspector continued, “every time I stop someone going as fast as you were, they had some kind of a story. A very easily cooked up one!”

 

Col gave a subtle grin and told him in a comforting voice as he could. “ frankly Inspector I also have one, but you wouldn't believe it"

 

“Go ahead We will see “ told the Cop

Col explained “ you see this car is fresh from the garage but I noticed that my brakes are so bad that I thought better I reach home before I meet with an accident”

 

The Cop nearly fainted!

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes yourtime and annoys the pig “

 

 

 61 All questions be answered in BRIEF

 

Col was on his first assignment as a project consultant just after he retired from Army.

 

He arrived at his office early on a Monday to fill out an urgent report for the company he was working for.

 

Col as usual draped in a beige suit left his Honda City with the parking attendant and entered the office building. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator leisurely waving “hi” to the elevator attendant. He strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his 3.5 K crocodile skin briefcase and sat down at his desk. Pulled out the spiral bound report form the briefcase and started reading adjusting his gold rimmed reading glass to perfect fit.

 

He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped. "I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.

Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished 2.5 K Brooks Brothers shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well. The now barefoot Col then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.

A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his 4 K Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.

A moment later, Col dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively. Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his navy blue pinstriped business suit and his starched white shirt, folded them neatly before stuffing them in the garbage as well. Col finally sat down in his underwear and finished his report in one hour.

 

When I walked in to his cabin saw the stripped Col who had a glee in his face and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “ Boss What are you doing here” I asked in bewilderment.

Col Fuming shouted at me holding out the paper to me “You idiot! Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in BRIEF”

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

 

62 Col is smart at times.

 

By the time Col reached Pokaran on temporary duty on some assignment he was bit late and the MES IB was full. There was no officer’s mess at Pokaran and he had to search for a hotel.

 

He went to one not so impressive hotel found nearby. The hotel manager informed him that no room was available. Col opened his suitcase and placed one Hercules Rum currency on the desk with a thud and told him “ Look friend you have to get a room somewhere, how u get is your headache”. Lured by the xxx currency the manager told him ” Sir I do have a double room with a single occupant, an Air force Officer, one Sqn Ldr Sharma. He might be glad to split the cost I believe. But to tell you the truth, he snores like a railway engine going up the hill that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”

 

" No problem." the tired Col assured him, "I'll take it."

 

The next morning the manager saw Col sitting on the breakfast table bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How did you sleep Sir?”“ asked the manager.

 

"Never better", said Col. The manager was impressed but looked lost. He asked “"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long? Sir "

 

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained Col

"How'd you manage that?" asked the Manager

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" Col explained. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Birds of same feather flock together . . . .and then shit on your car.

 

 

63  Easy solution

 

While in Bombay, ( I am Sorry  Raj Thakery please excuse, I meant Mumbai,) Col along with two of his golf mates, one Brig RK Sharma, an eye specialist from INHS   Ashwini and Cmde DK Kapoor, from Navy were trying to enjoy a golf session on a Sunday morning .

But they were stuck behind an extremely slow group; those   men missed every putt, and do not move an inch from where they are!

Brig shouted fuming “What the hell these idiots are doing   there ?"

The RVC Col chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Brig then said "Hey, here comes one of the caddies. Let's have a word with him."

He signaled the caddie over. "Hi,” The Brig asked "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're delaying our game."

The caddie replied making a grim face “ It's a sad, sad, story Sir, That's a group of blind firefighters; they lost their sight saving our club house from fire that devastated us last year. So the Club always let them play for free once in a month"

The three fell silent in shame.

The Brig then said "That's awful! I   will ask the Club Secretary to send them to me on Wednesday morning when I am in OP . I will see if there's anything I can do for them."

The Cmde Kapoor said “ You know next week we are having the Navy Ball.   I will put up a case to the FO-in-C for some reasonable financial assistance from the Navy Ball proceeds”

Col did not want to be left out! He said “ Sir the secretary is very close to me. I will ask him to allow these men to play at night!”

 

 Col Tweets

 

 "When you have nothing to do start Tweeting "

 

64  Col can’t be lured

 

One fine evening Col went to Pettah Market for buying fish. He was so astonished when a fish from the nearby fish market called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

 

He went to the particular fisher woman and bought the fish for Rs 200 without any bargin. He thought he would pleasantly surprise his wife with that talking fish and put it in his pocket.

 

The fish spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."

 

Col took the fish out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket again .

 

The fish then cried out in desperation "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you for the whole year "

 

Again the Col took the fish out,smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally the fish asked, " You are strange? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

This time Col preferred to speak out. He told the fish in a harsh voice’. “ Look Cutie I am the Secretary of the ESOA . I don't have time for girlfriends, have to settle the minutes of the last meeting, also prepare party games and arrange the caterers for the next General Body meeting ok ! But a talk

 

Col reached home and showed the talking fish to his Memsab and told her “ Isn’t wonderful? Keep her in the aquarium I will kiss her after the General Body Ok “

 

Col’s left cheek is still swollen up !

 

Col ‘s Tweet

 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

 

65   Painting The Pole

 

When Col was commanding a company in Siliguri l was the Adjutant of the regt. Col ( then Maj) had an obsession to paint the flag pole in front of his office, He discussed with me the requirement and decided that we go for the red color which he says is his wife’s favorite. I got the permission to repaint the falg pole from the ‘Old man’ at the behest of Col.

 

Of course we needed to know how tall it is so that we can purchase the paint exactly to the required quantity, Col is very particular not to waste money unnecessarily

 

Col told me “Hi Mate   I will climb up with the tape, you take the measurement at the bottom ok!” Alas, as he reached halfway through he forgot what end he should hold the tape! So he throws the tape back to me and yelled “send me the other end”. Trying to hold the tape I threw up, Col forgot that he was up on the pole, left both hands and fell down hitting his head on ground. I went to