Samantha at the World's Fair by Marietta Holley (ebook and pdf reader txt) 📕

"And," sez I, "your Father Dagget wuz a good creeter before he lost his mind."

"Yes," sez she, "but for upwards of two years he's tried to put his pantaloons on over his head, and he'd put his arms in his boots every time if we'd let him, thinkin' it wuz a vest."

"Wall," sez I, "you've did well by him, Selinda, and now if I wuz in your and Bizer's place, I'd try to look round all I could and git my mind off, and see everything I could see."

Sez she with a deep sithe, "There hain't no trouble about that; there is enough to see." Sez she, "It seems as though I had seen enough every five minutes sence I come, if it wuz spread out even and smooth, to cover a hull lifetime, and cover it thick, too," sez she.

"And," sez I, warmly and candidly, "Heaven knows that is true—true as gospel."

And then Selinda and Bizer, and Josiah and me walked on into other parts of the buildin', and there we see a small-lookin' model of the Santa Maria, the Admiral's flag-ship, manned by men with the same clothes on as wuz wore by Columbuses mariners. That filled me with large emotions, and Selinda felt it too.

[Pg 629]

And it wuz here that Josiah nudged me, and sez he, "You've always throwed it into my face that men don't think so much of each other as wimmen do; and now," sez he, "look at them two men—I've watched 'em as long as ten minutes—a-holdin' each other's hands."

And sure enough, I turned, and I see two good-lookin' men a-holdin' each other by the hand as if they loved each other fondly—

As if they couldn't bear to leggo. They wuz first-rate lookin' men, too, and you could see plain by their liniments how much store they sot by each other.

Wall, Josiah and I wended off and looked at the wax figgers of Lincoln, and the death of Marie Antoinette, and lots of other interestin' wax statutes; and when we come back, there stood them two men still a-holdin' each other by the hand; and Josiah whispered agin, "How they love each other! no gabblin' and gushin', like wimmen, but jest silent, clost, deep love."

"But," I sez, "I believe there is sunthin' wrong about 'em. It hain't nateral for men to stand still so long holt of hands. I believe they're in a fit or sunthin'."

"A fit!" sez he. "I spoze a woman would have a fit if she had to keep still a minute with another woman in gunshot of her.

[Pg 630]

"But to satisfy you," sez he, "I'll see."

So he accosted 'em, and sez he, "I will ask the way to Noah's Ark." So he advanced with a polite air, and sez he, "Could either one of you two gentlemen tell me where Noah's Ark is situated?" Sez he, "Bizer is anxious to see it."

They didn't move or stir, and Josiah agin sez, "Do you know where Noah's Ark is?" and he laid his hand on the arm of one of the men who stood near him.

A Columbian Guard who stood near sez, "Keep your hand offen the wax figger!"

Josiah wuz mortified most to death. He'd wanted to show off the equality of his sect, and to have man's love and fidelity proved to be but wax wuz harrowin'.

But he didn't stay mortified more'n a minute and a half on sech a business.

And the Guard told us where Noah's Ark wuz.

And Bizer and Josiah wuz all carried away with it. This wuz in the children's room, and all the animals are reproduced life size, every one of 'em two and two, jest as they enter the Ark.

We couldn't hardly tear our two pardners away, Selinda and I couldn't.

Josiah said, "It wuz so beautiful and interestin'," and so Bizer said.

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But I believe what made them men cling to it so for sech a length of time, they hearn us talk about how we wanted to go into the Bazaar, where there wuz lots of things to sell.

But finally they see they couldn't hold us back no longer, so we went through that gorgeous place, all full of bronzes, rugs, vases, pipes, and etcetry.

We didn't stay long here, though, for Bizer and Josiah said that the air wuz that bad they wuz chokin', and that they couldn't stan' it.

And Selinda and I a-feelin' that chokin' a pardner wuz the last thing we wanted to undertake, we went through it at a pretty good jog, and anon we found ourselves in Turkey; and here I found the Turkeys had done first-rate.

Why, one piece of their hand-wrought lace wuz worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. While I wuz a-admirin' of it, Josiah whispered firmly—

"Don't go to thinkin' of that old night-cap in sech a time as this."

And I whispered back, "I hain't no more idee on't than you have of buyin' that old tent to take down to the lake with you a-fishin'."

That very old battle-tent wuz all hand work, embroidered in gold and silver and silk in nateral figgers, and they said it wuz worth five millions of dollars—

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And a silver bedstead the Sultan is a-goin' to give to his daughter as a part of her settin' out when she marries wuz worth four hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You can from this form some idee of the value of the other enormous exhibits.

And the most beautiful horses you ever see, right from the Sultan's stable, wuz a-prancin' round. And one hundred Beoudins with camels and dromedaries added to the picteresqueness of the seen.

And then we see Cleopatri's needle, that tall column a-risin' up to the sky, all covered with writin' worse than mine, and that's a-sayin' a good deal. I couldn't read a word on't, nor Josiah couldn't.

And to the back of the Grand Bazaar wuz leven cottages, where male and female Turkeys wuz workin' at their different trades, showin' jest how rugs, and carpets, and embroideries, and brass work is made.

As I said to Selinda, "Would you believed it possible, Selinda, if we'd been told on't a dozen years ago that you and I should be a-travellin' in Turkey to-day?"

And she said, "No, indeed; she had never imagined that she should ever visit sech foreign shores."

Yes, we felt considerable riz up to think that we wuz engaged in foreign travel, but not hauty. No, [Pg 633]we are both on us well-principled, and don't believe in puttin' on airs.

Wall, we stayed here a good while, and Josiah thought he'd eat sunthin' here, too. If he'd had his way, he would had a good square meal in every foreign country, and native one, too. That man's appetite is wonderful. Foreign countries can't quell it down, nor rumatiz, nor nothin'.

Hakenbeck's animal show comes next, and it is the most complete—so they say—that wuz ever exhibited.

The tent is two hundred feet square, and is filled with all the animals that ever went into the Ark, and more, too, I believe. Five thousand people can go in here at one time, and set down, and see lions a-ridin' on horseback, with a woman to run the performance, and see animals a-doin' everything else that ever wuz done by 'em, and tigers, and elephants, and performin' horses, and two hundred monkeys, and one thousand parrots.

We didn't go in, but Josiah slipped in one day when I wuzn't with him, and he described it to me. He owned up to me that he had.

And he said he did it to keep me from havin' sech a skair.

"Why," sez he, "a woman that is afraid of a gobbler, and runs from a snake—

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"Why," sez he, "I wouldn't as a man of feelin' take her right in the way of havin' her feelin's hurt and skairin' her most to death for nothin' this world could give."

And I said—and I meant it—"If it hadn't been for the fifty cents I guess you wouldn't felt so, Josiah Allen."

But he stuck to it that it wuz pure affection and principle. I d'no what to think about it, but I have my suspicions.

Wall, at the next place Josiah could not be restrained. It wuz the good old-fashioned New England house with gable ends, and here a good New England dinner wuz served.

And sez Josiah, "I don't leave this house till I have a good square meal."

Bizer felt jest so, and so Selinda and I jined 'em in a meal most as good as she and I got up to hum, and that is sayin' a great deal.

Josiah's satisfaction in eatin' that pork and beans, and them doughnuts, wuz a sight to witness.

Bizer called for cold biled vittles, and sure enough, they brung 'em on.

And the enjoyment of them two men wuz extreme. Selinda and I took comfort in some old-fashioned pound-cake and custard pie.

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Selinda said she'd love to have the receipt of that pound-cake.

Selinda is a good plain cook. She can't cook like me, of course, but she duz well.

Wall, their extra good meal had sot up Josiah and Bizer to a wonderful extent (they had drunk coffee too strong for 'em by half, and I knew it), and them two men wanted to go back into the Cairo Street. Bizer and Selinda had never seen it, and all the way there Josiah seemed to be on the lookout to do sunthin' heroic and surprisin' to Bizer.

And jest after we got there, we did see as strange a sight as I ever see. It wuz a Eastern Fakir, as they called him. He wuz performin' one of his strange sights right there before our face and eyes.

A big crowd wuz gathered round him of human bein's in all strange costumes, and camels and their drivers, and dromedaries, and donkeys, and everything else under the sun. But this man stood calm under the sights and ear-piercin' yells and jabbers.

And in some way, I d'no how, nor Josiah don't, he wuz a-holdin' another Japan or Turkey—anyway, one of them foreign men—suspended right up in the air.

I see it, and Josiah see it, and Bizerses folks. Eight eyes from Jonesville looked at it, to say nothin' of the assembled crowd.

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He wuzn't restin' on nothin' at all, so fur as we could see. What material wrought out of the Occult World wuz piled up under him I d'no.

There might have been a sofa and two cushions wrought out of another fabric different from what we know anything about, and that don't make any show aginst the summer sky.

And then, agin, it might be that Josiah wuz right.

He sez, "It's easy enough to do that. He casts a mist before our eyes, and we have to see jest what he wanted us to."

"Wall," sez I, "if I had to do one of 'em to entertain the Missionary Society at Jonesville, I d'no but I had jest as soon hist Submit Tewksbury up in the air, and suspend her there in our parlor, as to cast mists before the eyes of the Jonesvillians and make 'em see her there when she wuz a-settin' on the sofa. Either one on 'em is queer—queer as a dog."

"Wall," sez he, "you don't want to go into any sech a job. You'll kill Submit, anyway, experimentin' on her."

And I sez, "You needn't worry; I hain't a-goin' to try to branch out into no sech doin's." Sez I, "I wuz usin' Submit as a metafor."

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Wall, the Fakir after a while asked the queer-lookin' crowd gathered round him for money to try more experiments with.

And wantin' to branch out and outdo Bizer, and make himself a hero, Josiah planked out a five-dollar bill.

And then the man asked Josiah to look in his hat, and there inside the band he found the money, or so it seemed.

And then he told me to look in my pocket, and there wuz five silver dollars to all appearance.

I felt real well about it, and wuz about to put 'em into my portmoney, thinkin' that they wuz my lawful prey, seein' they had fell onto me through my pardner's weakness, when lo and behold! they wuzn't there.

I felt real stunted, and kinder sot back.

"Slight of hand," sez Josiah to me and Bizer. "Don't be afraid, I'll make it all right." And he reached out his hand to git the money back. The man handed the money back, or so we spozed, and vanished in the crowd.

And Josiah, when he went to look in his hand, found some pink and white paper. He hollered round and acted for