Samantha at the World's Fair by Marietta Holley (ebook and pdf reader txt) π
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- Author: Marietta Holley
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[Pg 638]
And then it wuz Bizer's time to show off and act. Nothin' to do but what Selinda had got to ride a camel.
She hung back and acted 'fraid. She hain't a bit well, for all she is so fat. She has real dizzy spells sometimes, and is that cowardly that she'd be 'fraid to ride a cow, let alone one of them tall, humbly monsters. But nothin' to do but what Bizer would have his way.
He did it jest to go ahead of us, and I knew it, for I put my foot right down in the first on't.
Josiah would a paid out the money willin'ly ruther than had Bizer go ahead of him.
Bizer said he wanted to give Selinda all the enjoyment he could while on her tower, she had been shet up so much, and hadn't had the pleasures she ort to had.
I knew his motives and Selinda's feelin's, but couldn't break it up, for Selinda had always follered Elder Minkley's orders strict, that he gin her at the altarβ
"Wives, obey your husbands."
She didn't rebel outward, but she whispered to me in pitiful axentsβ
"I hate to ride that creeterβoh, how I hate to! But you know my principles," sez she; "you know I always said that wives ort to obey their pardners."
[Pg 639]
And I sez, "When pardners and common sense conflict, I foller common sense every time. Howsumever," sez I, "if you want to air them principles of yourn, you won't be apt to find a more lofty place to exhibit 'em."
And I glanced up the gray precipitous sides of that camel, and she looked up 'em, too, with fear and tremblin', but begun to gird her lions, figgeratively speakin', to obey Bizer and embark.
She has always boasted to me and the other neighborin' wimmen that she has never disobeyed her husband once; and I sez to her cheerfully, "Wall, I have, and expect to agin, if the Lord spares my life."
And so Miss Bobbet told her, and Miss Gowdy, and Miss Peedick, and all the rest. She acted so high-headed about it, that we said it some to take down her pride, and some on principle.
We believed there wuz reason in all things, and none of us wimmen felt that we would stand
"On a burnin' deck,
Whence all but we had fled,"
and burn up, even if our pardners had ordered us to. We wuz law-abidin', every one on us, but we felt there wuz times where law ended and common sense begun.
[Pg 640]
But Selinda argued, I well remember, that if Bizer had ordered her to stay on that deck, she should stay and be sot fire to.
And she praised up little Casey Bianky warmly, while we thought and said that Casey acted like a fool, and felt that Mr. Bianky would much ruther had him run and save himself than to burn up; anyway, old Miss Bianky would, and I believe his pa would.
Men are good-hearted creeters the biggest heft of the time, but failable in judgment sometimes, jest like female wimmen.
But Selinda wuz firm in her belief.
And here this day in Chicago she gin one of the most remarkable proofs of it ever seen in this country.
So while Selinda trembled like a popple leaf, and her false teeth rattled over her dry tongue (besides the camel, she wuz 'fraid as death of the Turkey that driv it, and he did look fierce), the camel knelt down, and the almost swoonin' Selinda was histed up onto his back by the proud and haughty Bizer, and the strange-lookin' Turkey.
She had no more than got seated when the driver give a skairful yell, and the camel give a fearful lunge, and straightened up on its feet, and Selinda's bunnet fell back onto her neck, an[Pg 642][Pg 641]d lay there through the hull of the enterprise, and her gray hair floated back onchecked, for she dassent let her hands go a minit to fix it.
It wuz a mournin' bunnet and veil, but black gittin' soiled so easy, she had put on a bright green alpaca dress she had, thinkin' that she wouldn't see nobody she knew; and she wore some old yeller mitts for the same reason, and some low, shabby-lookin' shoes, and some white stockin's.
And her weight bein' two hundred and forty, she showed off vivid aginst the settin' sun.
Selinda is a meek woman and obedient, but she cries easy. You have got to take good traits and bad ones in folks. She can't help it. She always cries in class meetin', or anywhereβhas cried time and agin a-tellin' how she would be trompled on and lay down and have her head chopped off if Bizer told her to.
And of course it couldn't be expected she would go through this fearful experience without sheddin' tears. No; before she had been up there two minits she begun to cry.
She always makes up pitiful faces when she weeps. It has been talked on a sight in Jonesville, some sayin' she might help it, and some contendin' that she couldn't; but she skairs children frequent.
[Pg 643]
But now she dassent leggo a minit to git her handkerchief, so she rode along weepin' silently, and a fearful sight for men or angels, but truly a cryin' monument of wifely devotion.
As she moved off, I could see at the first strain her dress waist, bein' one of the short round ones with a belt, had bust asunder, leavin' a white waist of cotton flannel between 'em, which seemed to be a-growin' wider and wider all the time. (She wears cotton flannel for her health.)
As I see this, and not knowin' what would ensue and take place in her clothin', I cast onto the wind my own fears, and the shrinkin' timidity of my sect, and graspin' my umbrell in my hand, I run along by the side of the lofty quadreped, a-tryin' to reach up and fix her a little.
But I could not; her position wuz too lofty, the mount wuz too precipitous on which she sot.
She see me, but she didn't stop her cryin', and the faces she wuz a-makin' wuz pitiful in the extreme, and skairful to anybody that hadn't seen 'em so much as I had. She wuz half bent, which made her cotton-flannel infirmity harder to witness.
The camel wuz a-swayin' fearful from side to side, and a-lurchin' forwards and a lurchin' backwards at a dangerous rate.
Oh, how dizzy-headed Selinda must have been! How skairt and how dretful her feelin's wuz!
[Pg 644]
Sez I, "Dismount to once, Selinda Dagget."
"No," sez she; "Bizer has placed me here, and here I will stay."
"You don't know whether you will or not," sez I. "I believe you are a-fallin' off; and," sez I, "I'm 'fraid you'll git killed, Selinda; do git down!"
"I fear it too," sez she, and she looked down on me with agony in her mean, and sez sheβ
"Good-bye, Sister Allen; if we don't meet agin, we both believe in a better country."
I wuz all carried away by my emotions, or wouldn't spoke out so; but I sezβ
"This country is all right enough, if folks didn't act like fools in it." Sez I, "Do you git down and pull down your bask, and wipe your nose and eyes; you look like fury, Selinda Dagget."
"No," sez she; "Bizer wanted me to ride, and I shall die a-pleasin' him. I took vows of obedience onto me at the altar, and if I die here, Sister Allen, tell the female sistern at Jonesville that I died a-keepin' them vows."
Sez I, "I'll tell 'em you died a nateral fool;" and sez I agin, "Git down offen that camel, Selinda Dagget, before you fall off."
And I kep clost by her, and kinder poked at her with my umbrell, to let her know I hadn't deserted her, and ha[Pg 645]vin' a blind idee that I could hold her up with it if the worst come.
Where wuz Bizer durin' this fearful seen? while I wuz a-showin' plain the deathless devotion to my sectβto another one in distress.
He wuz all took up with his own feelin's of pride and show.
He wuz a-ridin' a donkey, and it wuz a-backin' up and a-actin', and took every mite of his strength and firmness to keep on.
He had a tall white hat with a mournin' weed on't, and a long linen duster, and the wind blowed this out some like a balloon.
He looked queer; but as soon as he stiddied himself on't he tried his best to reach the side of SelindaβI'll say that for him. But the donkey wuz obstinate, and kep a-backin' up, and Bizer, bein' his legs dragged, kinder walked along with the donkey under him. Occasionally he would set down for a spell, but the most of his journey wuz done a-walkin' afoot. And the crowd see it and cheered.
It wuz hard on Bizer. Nothin' but pride and ambition led him into the undertakin', or kep him up through it.
As for me, I lost all patience, and my breath, too, and went back to my pardner.
And anon or about that time they made their rounds, and come back where Josiah and I stood.
[Pg 646]
I reached up a handkerchief to Selinda as quick as I could, but she couldn't wipe her eyes or tend to her nose until she dismounted, or fix the gapin' kasum at the back of her waist.
She greeted me warmly the minit her feet touched terry firmy, as one might who had come out of great peril. She's a good-hearted creeter.
And between us both, with some pins I took out of my huzzy I always carry with me, we fixed her up agin.
And if you'll believe it, the very minit I got her pinned up she begun to act high-headed and to boast of how much principle she'd shown.
And I said, "You've shown more'n principle, Selinda; you've showed cotton flannel that you had ort to have kep to yourself. You have made a panorama that can't be described."
"Yes," sez she; "it will be sunthin' to tell on all my life."
She took it as a compliment. Oh dear me suz!
Bizer had scraped the patent leather all offen the toes of his shoes, and had squandered three dollars in money, but he felt good. Yes, they both said what a excitement this adventure would make in Jonesville when they told on't.
[Pg 647]
And I thought to myself, if the Jonesvillians could see jest how she looked, and he too, it would be apt to make a excitement.
How many times did I digest this great truth while on my tower! How little we know sometimes what a appearance we are a-makin' before men and angels, when we think we are a-doin' sunthin' wonderful!
Wall, Josiah wuz all took aback; he couldn't seem to bear Bizer's patronizin' ways so well as I could Selinda's. Truly, females learn the lesson well to suffer and be calm.
But he acted kinder surly, and proposed that we should go hum; and bein' tired as a dog, I gin a willin' consent, and Bizer and Selinda parted from us, their way layin' different from ourn.
Wall, that night, after we got back to Miss Plankses, I felt all kind o' shook up in sperit, and considerable as I do when I've eat too hearty, and of too many kinds of food.
You know, you mustn't swaller a big meal too quick, or eat too many kinds of food when you're tired, or it won't set right on your stomach.
I felt real dyspeptic in my mind that night, and I felt that I had wandered out of the sweet, level paths of Moderation and Megumness that I love to wander in.
But I am a eppisodin', and to resoom.
[Pg 648]
It seemed as if the bed never felt so good to me as it did that night; and the pillers never felt so soft, and quiet, and comfortable. And with a deep sithe of content I went out at once into the Land of Sleep, and bein' too tired to
"tread its windin' ways
Beyend the reach of busy feet,"
I sunk
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