Malignant Self Love by Samuel Vaknin (best ereader for students .TXT) 📕

possessing others, he purifies himself, cathartically, and exorcises

his demented self.

This accomplished, he acts almost with remorse. An episode of extreme

abuse is followed by an act of great care and by mellifluous apologies.

The narcissistic pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing

others and empathically soothing the resulting pain. This incongruous

behaviour, these “sudden” shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and

“love”, ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and

remorse, the harsh and the tender - are, perhaps, the most difficult to

comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the

narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear,

stress, and anxiety (“walking on eggshells”). Gradually, emotional

paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland

inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways

than one - and even when he is long out of their life.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 39

To Age with Grace

“The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality.

Then permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to

reality.”

James Michener, Author

The narcissist ages without mercy and without grace. His withered body

and his overwrought mind betray him all at once. He stares with

incredulity and rage at cruel mirrors. He refuses to accept his growing

fallibility. He rebels against his decrepitude and mediocrity.

Accustomed to being awe-inspiring and the recipient of adulation - the

narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the pathetic

figure that he cuts.

As a child prodigy, a sex symbol, a stud, a public intellectual, an

actor, an idol - the narcissist was at the centre of attention, the eye

of his personal twister, a black hole which sucked people’s energy and

resources dry and spat out with indifference their mutilated carcasses.

No longer. With old age comes disillusionment. Old charms wear thin.

Having been exposed for what he is - a deceitful, treacherous,

malignant egotist - the narcissist’s old tricks now fail him. People

are on their guard, their gullibility reduced. The narcissist - being

the rigid, precariously balanced structure that he is - can’t change.

He reverts to old forms, re-adopts hoary habits, succumbs to erstwhile

temptations. He is made a mockery by his accentuated denial of reality,

by his obdurate refusal to grow up, an eternal, malformed child in the

sagging body of a decaying man.

It is the fable of the grasshopper and the ant revisited.

The narcissist - the grasshopper - having relied on supercilious

stratagems throughout his life - is singularly ill-adapted to life’s

rigors and tribulations. He feels entitled - but fails to elicit

Narcissistic Supply. Wrinkled time makes child prodigies lose their

magic, lovers exhaust their potency, philanderers waste their allure,

and geniuses miss their touch. The longer the narcissist lives - the

more average he becomes. The wider the gulf between his pretensions and

his accomplishments - the more he is the object of derision and

contempt.

Yet, few narcissists save for rainy days. Few bother to study a trade,

or get a degree, pursue a career, maintain a business, keep their jobs,

or raise functioning families, nurture their friendships, or broaden

their horizons. Narcissists are perennially ill-prepared. Those who

succeed in their vocation, end up bitterly alone having squandered the

love of spouse, offspring, and mates. The more gregarious and

family-orientated - often flunk at work, leap from one job to another,

relocate erratically, forever itinerant and peripatetic.

The contrast between his youth and prime and his dilapidated present

constitutes a permanent narcissistic injury. The narcissist retreats

deeper into himself to find solace. He withdraws into the penumbral

universe of his grandiose fantasies. There - almost psychotic - he

salves his wounds and comforts himself with trophies of his past.

A rare minority of narcissists accept their fate with fatalism or good

humour. These precious few are healed mysteriously by the deepest

offence to their megalomania - old age. They lose their narcissism and

confront the outer world with the poise and composure that they lacked

when they were captives of their own, distorted, narrative.

Such changed narcissists develop new, more realistic, expectations and

hopes - commensurate with their talents, skills, accomplishments and

education. Ironically, it is invariably too late. They are avoided and

ignored, rendered transparent by their checkered past. They are passed

over for promotion, never invited to professional or social gatherings,

cold-shouldered by the media. They are snubbed and disregarded. They

are never the recipients of perks, benefits, or awards. They are blamed

when not blameworthy and rarely praised when deserving. They are being

constantly and consistently punished for who they were. It is poetic

justice in more than one way. They are being treated narcissistically

by their erstwhile victims.

They finally are tasting their own medicine, the bitter harvest of

their wrath and arrogance.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 49

The Inverted Narcissist

With contributions by: Alice Ratzlaff (*) and

The members of the Narcissism List

THE CLINICAL PICTURE AND DEVELOPMENTAL ROOTS -

OPENING REMARKS

Terminology

Codependents

People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and

the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding,

submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature

behaviours in their effort to maintain the “relationship” with their

companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is

inflicted upon them - they remain in the relationship.

See also the definition of the Dependent Personality Disorder in the

DSM-IV-TR.

Inverted Narcissist

Previously called “covert narcissist”, this is a codependent who

depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you

live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to

one, work with a narcissist, etc. - it does NOT mean that you are an

inverted narcissist.

To “qualify” as an inverted narcissist - you must CRAVE to be in a

relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on

you by him/her.

You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists - and ONLY with

narcissists - no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past

experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships

with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only THEN - AND if you satisfy the other

diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder - can you be

safely labelled an “inverted narcissist”.

The DSM-IV-TR uses 9 criteria to define the NPD. It is sufficient to

possess 5 of them to “qualify” as a narcissist. Thus, theoretically, it

is possible to be NPD WITHOUT being grandiose. Many researchers

(Alexander Lowen, Jeffrey Satinover, Theodore Millon and others)

suggested a “taxonomy” of pathological narcissism. They divided

narcissists to sub-groups (very much as I did with my somatic versus

cerebral narcissist dichotomy). Lowen, for instance, talks about the

“phallic” narcissist versus others. Satinover and Millon make a very

important distinction between narcissists who were raised by abusive

parents - and those who were raised by doting and smothering or

domineering mothers.

Glenn O. Gabbard in “Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice”

[The DSM-IV-TR Edition. Comments on Cluster B Personality Disorders -

Narcissistic. American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 2000] we find this:

“…what definitive criteria can be used to differentiate healthy from

pathological narcissism? The time honoured criteria of psychological

health - to love and to work - are only partly useful in answering this

question.”

“An individual’s work history may provide little help in making the

distinction. Highly disturbed narcissistic individuals may find

extraordinary success in certain professions, such as big business, the

arts, politics, the entertainment industry, athletics and televangelism

field. In some cases, however, narcissistic pathology may be reflected

in a superficial quality to one’s professional interests, as though

achievement in and acclaim are more important than mastery of the field

itself.

Pathological forms of narcissism are more easily identified by the

quality of the individual’s relationships.

One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy

interpersonal relationships can be recognised by qualities such as

empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in

the ideas of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term

relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge one’s

own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are

characterised by these qualities may at times use others to gratify

their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of

sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive style of

dealing with other people. One the other hand, the person with a

Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as objects to be

used up and discarded according to his or her needs, without regard for

their feelings.

People are not viewed as having a separate existence or as having needs

of their own. The individual with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

frequently ends a relationship after a short time, usually when the

other person begins to make demands stemming from for his or her own

needs. Most importantly, such relationships clearly do not ‘work’ in

terms of the narcissist’s ability to maintain his or her own sense of

self-esteem.”

“…These criteria [the DSM-IV-TR’s - SV] identify a certain kind of

narcissistic patient - specifically, the arrogant, boastful, ‘noisy’

individual who demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to

characterise the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whose

extreme sensitivity to slights leads to an assiduous avoidance of the

spotlight.”

The DSM-III-R alluded to at least TWO TYPES of narcissists, but the

DSM-IV-TR committee chose to delete this: “…included criterion,

‘reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation (even

not if expressed)’ due to lack of ‘specificity’.”

Other theoreticians, clinicians and researchers similarly suggested a

division between “the oblivious narcissist” (a.k.a. overt) and “the

hypervigilant narcissist” (a.k.a. covert).

The Compensatory versus the Classic Narcissist

Another interesting distinction, suggested by Dave Kelly in his

excellent PTYPES Web site [http://www.ptypes.com] is between the

Compensatory Type NPD and the Classic NPD (DSM-IV-TR type).

Here are the Compensatory NPD criteria according to Dave Kelly:

“Personality Types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality

Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, covert narcissistic

behaviours that derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and

weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high

self-esteem, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of

contexts, as indicated by six (or more) of the criteria below.

The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a

pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an

underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine

feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem.”

The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:

_ Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an

image of high self-worth [Millon];

_ Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack

of a feeling of self-worth;

_ May “acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements

of others are ridiculed and degraded” [Millon];

_ Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon];

_ Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon];

_ Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens

carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval

[Millon];

_ “Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially

(anxious) and vulnerable to the judgements of others” [Millon];

_ Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with

pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon];

_ Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman];

_ Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and

states of excitement and excess energy [Forman];

_ Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for

perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman];

_ Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an

intense need for affirmation and confirmation