The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

contract for his passage to Leghorn,⁠—he put the sword into his hand.⁠⸺⁠If thou art brave, Le Fever, said my uncle Toby, this will not fail thee,⁠⸺⁠but Fortune, said he (musing a little),⁠⸺⁠Fortune may⁠⸺⁠And if she does,⁠—added my uncle Toby, embracing him, come back again to me, Le Fever, and we will shape thee another course.

The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of Le Fever more than my uncle Toby’s paternal kindness;⁠⸺⁠he parted from my uncle Toby, as the best of sons from the best of fathers⁠⸺⁠both dropped tears⁠⸺⁠and as my uncle Toby gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father’s, in which was his mother’s ring, into his hand,⁠⸺⁠and bid God bless him.

XIII

Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a series of unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his heels for four years together after; he had withstood these buffetings to the last, till sickness overtook him at Marseilles, from whence he wrote my uncle Toby word, he had lost his time, his services, his health, and, in short, everything but his sword;⁠⸺⁠and was waiting for the first ship to return back to him.

As this letter came to hand about six weeks before Susannah’s accident, Le Fever was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle Toby’s mind all the time my father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a person he would choose for a preceptor to me: but as my uncle Toby thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forebore mentioning Le Fever’s name,⁠⸺⁠till the character, by Yorick’s interposition, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image of Le Fever, and his interest, upon my uncle Toby so forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father’s hands⁠⸺⁠I beg, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, I may recommend poor Le Fever’s son to you⁠⸺⁠I beseech you do, added Yorick⁠⸺⁠He has a good heart, said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠And a brave one too, an’ please your honour, said the corporal.

⸺⁠The best hearts, Trim, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle Toby.⁠⸺⁠And the greatest cowards, an’ please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it.⁠⸺⁠There was serjeant Kumber, and ensign⁠⸻

⸺⁠We’ll talk of them, said my father, another time.

XIV

What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies!

Doctor Slop, like a son of a w⁠⸺, as my father called him for it,⁠—to exalt himself,⁠—debased me to death,⁠—and made ten thousand times more of Susannah’s accident, than there was any grounds for; so that in a week’s time, or less, it was in everybody’s mouth, That poor Master Shandy * * * * * * * * entirely.⁠—And Fame, who loves to double everything,⁠—in three days more, had sworn, positively she saw it,⁠—and all the world, as usual, gave credit to her evidence⁠⸺“That the nursery window had not only* * * * * * * * * * * * ;⁠⸺⁠but that * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *’s also.”

Could the world have been sued like a body-corporate,⁠—my father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals about it⁠⸺⁠as every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable;⁠⸺’twas like flying in the very face of his best friends:⁠⸺⁠And yet to acquiesce under the report, in silence⁠—was to acknowledge it openly,⁠—at least in the opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle again, in contradicting it,⁠—was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half.⁠⸻

⸺⁠Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered? said my father.

I would show him publickly, said my uncle Toby, at the market cross.

⸺’Twill have no effect, said my father.

XV

⸺⁠I’ll put him, however, into breeches, said my father,⁠—let the world say what it will.

XVI

There are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern;⁠—which though they have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, harebrained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so), weighed, poized, and perpended⁠⸺⁠argued upon⁠—canvassed through⁠⸺⁠entered into, and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the goddess of coolness herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it better.

Of the number of these was my father’s resolution of putting me into breeches; which, though determined at once,⁠—in a kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been pro’d and conn’d, and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in two several beds of justice, which my father had held for that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father and my mother debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches,⁠—from which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters.

XVII

The ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius is positive) were first seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder, and who afterwards incorporated the Herculi, the Bugians, and some