The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

other Vandallick clans to ’em⁠—had all of them a wise custom of debating everything of importance to their state, twice; that is,⁠—once drunk, and once sober:⁠⸺⁠Drunk,⁠—that their councils might not want vigour;⁠⸺⁠and sober⁠—that they might not want discretion.

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,⁠—was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose;⁠⸺⁠and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination,⁠⸺⁠he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the Saturday night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

These my father, humorously enough, called his beds of justice;⁠⸺⁠for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.

It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it⁠⸺⁠or, if he can, may it be always for his body’s health; and to do it, as my father did it,⁠—am I sure it would be always for his soul’s.

My way is this:⁠⸺⁠

In all nice and ticklish discussions⁠—(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book),⁠—where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back⁠⸺⁠I write one-half full,⁠—and t’other fasting;⁠⸺⁠or write it all full,⁠—and correct it fasting:⁠⸺⁠or write it fasting,⁠—and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing:⁠⸺⁠So that with a less variation from my father’s plan, than my father’s from the Gothick⁠⸺⁠I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice,⁠—and no way inferior to him in his second.⁠⸺⁠These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature,⁠—of which,⁠—be her’s the honour.⁠⸺⁠All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.⁠⸺⁠

Now, when I write full,⁠—I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live;⁠⸺⁠that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world.⁠⸺⁠I count not the number of my scars,⁠—nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs.⁠⸺⁠In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fullness of my heart, as my stomach.⁠⸺⁠

But when, an’ please your honours, I indite fasting, ’tis a different history.⁠⸺⁠I pay the world all possible attention and respect,⁠—and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you.⁠⸺⁠So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured Shandean book, which will do all your hearts good⁠⸻

⸺⁠And all your heads too,⁠—provided you understand it.

XVIII

We should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother’s, as he opened the debate⁠⸺⁠We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.⁠⸺⁠

We should so,⁠—said my mother.⁠⸺⁠We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.⁠⸻

I think we do, Mr. Shandy,⁠—said my mother.

⸺⁠Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.⁠⸻

⸻He does look very well in them,⁠—replied my mother.⁠⸻

⸺⁠And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of ’em.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠It would so,⁠—said my mother:⁠⸺⁠But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,⁠—rejoined my father.

⸺⁠He is very tall for his age, indeed,⁠—said my mother.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.⁠⸺⁠

I cannot conceive, for my life,⁠—said my mother.⁠⸺⁠

Humph!⁠⸺⁠said my father.

(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)

⸺⁠I am very short myself,⁠—continued my father gravely.

You are very short, Mr. Shandy,⁠—said my mother.

Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother’s⁠—and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

⸺⁠When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he’ll look like a beast in ’em.

He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠And ’twill be lucky, if that’s the worst on’t, added my father.

It will be very lucky, answered my mother.

I suppose, replied my father,⁠—making some pause first,⁠—he’ll be exactly like other people’s children.⁠⸺⁠

Exactly, said my mother.⁠⸻

⸺⁠Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stopp’d again.

⸺⁠They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.⁠—

They will last him, said my mother, the longest.

But he can have no linings to ’em, replied my father.⁠⸻

He cannot, said my mother.

’Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.

Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.⁠⸻

—Except dimity,⁠—replied my father:⁠⸺’Tis best of all,⁠—replied my mother.

⸺⁠One must not give him his death, however,⁠—interrupted my father.

By no means, said my mother:⁠⸺⁠and so the dialogue stood still again.

I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.⁠—

⸺⁠There is no occasion for any, said my mother.⁠⸻

I mean in his coat and waistcoat,⁠—cried my father.

⸺⁠I mean so too,⁠—replied my mother.

⸺⁠Though if he gets a gig or top⁠⸺⁠Poor souls! it is a crown and a